I’m tired, shattered and I’ve had enough. I’m confused and pissed off too. Everything can fuck off. The end. 

this is a link to put things into perspective a little http://youtu.be/17jymDn0W6U

It’s Friday already, I’m at work sitting in an empty cottage hoping the rain stops and that the sun comes out. It’s dark. My mood is ok but a little dark too. It’s very cloudy, like my mood. I’m sitting here thinking about life and about people.  I honestly think a huge amount of the people in the western world are fake. They fake happiness in their lives when they know deep down they’re unhappy. They pretend that they’re this or that in life, when really they’re building a false persona that they start to believe is actually them. They fear changes in their lives.  I’m not labelling everyone in this category but most really are that way. Isn’t it funny when we meet someone and are asked what we ‘do’ or what we are. We might reply ‘I’m a builder’ etc etc. I’m not a builder, I’m a human being who has children and a family that I love. I work as a builder to earn money, yes I enjoy it too but I’m not just a builder.   Sometimes I really do wonder about people.  I had an interesting thought process/conversation going on in my head last night because of people driving past my house when it was raining hard. My kids went outside and played in the flood outside our house, I even filmed and photographed them. Their were a few cars that went past, one guy smiled but mostly people looked as if they thought we were nuts. Why is it crazy or nuts to have fun, to laugh and enjoy the rain?  I think some people take everything far too seriously. My kids made a great memory last night. Anyway my internal conversations were with those people, telling them how life is beautiful and great, if figured they would think it foolish or bad for the image of the village etc. Maybe I was overly paranoid. Maybe not though, anyway I had those internal conversations regardless. That’s just me maybe. Life’s to cool and too short to be a grumpy arsehole, although I can be that grumpy arsehole at times too!

Anyway, I’m sat here reading a diary of a guy with bipolar 2 and I think he’s right, all of the best people are slightly crazy. Maybe crazy is actually sane and the so called ‘sane’ people are actually the really crazy ones for believing all of the fake delusions of life like war, hunger, banking,  mainstream fake news etc etc when in fact theres no need for any of it. The Internet and alternative news certainly has helped people to seethe falsehoods of the world. Both world wars were funded by the same banks,  America is supposedly a country trying to ‘give’ peace to the world when in fact they sell and produce the most nastiest weapons, Israel are at war with Palestine when in fact it’s genocide because the Palestinians literally don’t have the weapons that Israel does, in fact Palestine is hemmed in like a huge concentration camp.  So like I said life is short and the same people are probably I sane for believing all of the falsehoods that are perpetuated in the so called news.

Ok so on a lighter note, we should all be pro peace not anti war and we should all love each other as members of the small insignificant rock that we live on which orbits an insignificant star. 

Does the search for enlightenment lead to possible mental health issues? Or living a truly spiritual life lead to it or through it as well?  When we wake from the world of falsehoods, materialism and monetary wealth we see things very differently and maybe it can lead to having mental health issues or certainly feelings of being different.  Maybe some who have been enlightened have faced their own inner demons, have gone through emotional and spiritual turmoil, and come through the other side slightly altered.  Once enlightened maybe one sees everything as it is from all sides and sees the higher meanings in everything. Maybe I’m projecting though. I know that I’ve always been on a spiritual path in this life and am seeking my own enlightenment. The more I’ve read or studied enlightenment and enlightened people the more I realise it’s about letting go. When I do let go I find that I have inner peace and calm. I just need to figure out how to let go fully because I do hold on to things, sometimes for too long. 

I’ve realised that I’ve got quite a lot of willpower.  When I’m tired it drops off a bit but usually I have it in abundance. There’s lots of things I have that I, until now,  don’t understand how others lack. Maybe I’m harsh or maybe I see these things so very differently. They say that we use others as mirrors of ourselves. I know that at times I see my worst traits in others. 

I’m really tired and may of finished work until Monday. I need the rest. I think it’s supposed to pour with rain very soon. Regardless of the rain I might sleep in the tent tonight with the kids. They love camping. I’m not sure yet though because of my tiredness. 

I’m feeling a little distant today and don’t feel too much. Oh well. 

I’m sat here reading a diary of a guy with bipolar 2 and he wishes he could feel things. I can relate to that. I’m not sure I feel things very often. Last night I did briefly when my daughter rushed in after a pony day and told me how good it was. I felt really proud of her and felt so much love I felt I could burst. Mostly though I’m disconnected. Even disconnected from my body, even when I’m high and feeling awesome I still feel disconnected. I’m wondering if I actually enjoy life, if I ever have. I used to think that I enjoyed challenges and being up against it, but truthfully I never have, I’ve just realised that I just get myself caught in such muddles or in such mess. I hate the mess I get into. I hate not feeling things deeply, but when I do feel things I feel it fully and usually too deeply. I guess I’m never satisfied. Ever. 

Often I wish I were rich enough monetarily to not have to work because I feel I would have enough time to fully explore myself. I did a two day solitary retreat earlier this year and started to feel ‘myself’ inside. I meditated for the most part or read lots. I think if I had the money to not work I’d go on semi permanent retreat. I’d certainly meditate lots more. Maybe I’m just a dreamer, I always felt like a go getter but it’s been beaten out of me by life. I really think us humans need to take care of each other not have wars with each other or hate and fear each other. Maybe I need to become my full higher self and help this to be. I’ve read that those seeking enlightenment can go through huge anguish. I’d like to seek enlightenment without that anguish!

This week started slowly at work as I was really tired and very edgy, it was productive though, but has built up a bit again. Today I finished early but had still had a highly productive day. I felt really good too, which is great. I’m feeling pretty good now and was a little high a very short while ago until drinking a strong coffee, which has levelled me out a bit strangely. 

I’ve realised that there’s a Metallica song that sums up my mental health state most of the time http://youtu.be/3QimHGlyxzI It’s got very apt lyrics, ‘old habits reappear, fighting the fear of fear, growing conspiracy, myself is after me, frayed ends of sanity, here them calling me’

I’ve been reading lots about bipolar again these last few days and have had to bring myself back to full presence and snap out of lower thinking. My thoughts have been exceptionally violent and aggressive although outwardly I’ve had my usual exterior. That’s me being me I guess. Just the way my mind works sometimes. When I do notice it creeping in from the dark depths I try to bring myself around, my higher self intervenes and says ‘it’s just your mind, stop the thinking’ so I do. 

I’m coming down a little. I’m pretty sure I’ve been either high or mixed for the last 6-7 weeks, if not longer. I’m tired when I wake up now instead of being full bore ready to go. I’ve relaxed my pace at work this week and finished at 4:30pm today. I’ve still got lots accomplished at work though. I’m also finally getting on top of my huge workload, which is fantastic.  The customer where I was today has asked me to price decorating the whole of the inside of their house. Fantastic. I’ve not got too much to say. I will mention that this morning I heard of the apparent suicide of Robin Williams who it would seem suffered with bipolar. Very sad for his family and sad for him with feeling that low. 

Tomorrow is another day and I intend to make a good start first thing and be motivated again. 

Today has been very productive at work but very strange. I’ve been singing away to myself, nothing wrong so far…I made up my own song or changed lyrics to other songs…so far so good…but I changed them to songs of violence and murder. I’ve had violence on my mind lots today. Lots of violence. Lots of fake scenarios too. Why?  I really don’t know why other than my mind playing tricks on me. I can stop it when I become aware of it, usually I do become aware of it, I just bring myself back to presence.  Today I’ve thought about violence far too much though and I was exceptionally busy so my mind wandered deeply. I don’t like violence much. Although today I loved my thoughts.  I know at times I get psychotic I guess. I’m still feeling high. I did have a huge energy crash today and wasted an hour of today’s time but still got far more than a normal persons daily work done, even my customers were amazed at what I achieved. At least I calmed my mind too and I’m not thinking violence anymore. I’m at peace. 

I woke up full of anxiety this morning. I wished that I could be a millionaire and not have to get out of bed. I’d had a few odd /bad dreams. I think they triggered the anxiety but were also triggered by me being overwrought and overtired. Catch 22. Anyway I’m feeling a bit better now as I’ve focused on being fully present. I’m not fully present but I’m more present than anxious. I had sat here trying to meditate but closed my eyes and tied myself up in mental knots. Everything was too much and I just wanted to go to sleep. My circadian rhythms are out again, probably by over working and being high for too long. In fact I think I’ve had about 5 weeks of being high or being in a full on mixed episode. I’m still in it but I’m trying to very slowly come back down. I think I need some extra rest. I’ve nearly caught up at work again. Hopefully I’ll start to relax a little. 

I bought a kindle book yesterday that is really good. It’s called ‘bipolar happens’ and I highly recommend it. It’s pretty short but has some really good advice and tips in it. I even got my wife to buy it on her iPad.  I just wish others could understand how I feel sometimes. It always seems that the only people who I think relate to it are other Cyclothymia or bipolar sufferers. I don’t use the word suffer lightly either. I don’t like that it infers a victim or pain but it does involve suffering.  

Today should be dry so I can get a fair amount done, although I’d expected it to be wet, and I can go a little easy on myself. I’ll not go to work until 8am this morning, in fact I’m going to switch back to that if I can instead of 7:15-7:30am.  I’m also going to try getting home for 6pm if I can because these last few weeks have taken their toll on me physically , spiritually and mentally.  I guess I’ll go get on with my day.