I’m sat here reading a diary of a guy with bipolar 2 and he wishes he could feel things. I can relate to that. I’m not sure I feel things very often. Last night I did briefly when my daughter rushed in after a pony day and told me how good it was. I felt really proud of her and felt so much love I felt I could burst. Mostly though I’m disconnected. Even disconnected from my body, even when I’m high and feeling awesome I still feel disconnected. I’m wondering if I actually enjoy life, if I ever have. I used to think that I enjoyed challenges and being up against it, but truthfully I never have, I’ve just realised that I just get myself caught in such muddles or in such mess. I hate the mess I get into. I hate not feeling things deeply, but when I do feel things I feel it fully and usually too deeply. I guess I’m never satisfied. Ever.
Often I wish I were rich enough monetarily to not have to work because I feel I would have enough time to fully explore myself. I did a two day solitary retreat earlier this year and started to feel ‘myself’ inside. I meditated for the most part or read lots. I think if I had the money to not work I’d go on semi permanent retreat. I’d certainly meditate lots more. Maybe I’m just a dreamer, I always felt like a go getter but it’s been beaten out of me by life. I really think us humans need to take care of each other not have wars with each other or hate and fear each other. Maybe I need to become my full higher self and help this to be. I’ve read that those seeking enlightenment can go through huge anguish. I’d like to seek enlightenment without that anguish!
