It’s been a strange weird day one of those days that has been good in some ways and can fuck right off in other ways. Stressful, emotional, angry and just plain fucking tiring. My mind is going up a get and my anger and resentment is simmering just below the surface. I was in tears this morning. Before that I was elated. I’ve been angry since. I’ve been proud. I’ve been glad and I’ve been happy too. I’ve been tired. I’ve been super hyper alert. Now I think I can rest a little. I’m not sure what tomorrow might bring but I’ll face that when I have to.
So here we go I guess… This morning I got up a little later than normal. Ate breakfast almost straight away and instead of going back to bed to snooze or read I decided to go out and do some work in the garden. While out there a friend of my dads called around to have a quiet word. He told me how very unwell my dad really is. I’ve basically not spoken to him for nearly two years. A neighbor of my dads told me a couple of weeks ago he’s not well so I emailed to check on him. He told me irritable bowel syndrome. It seems it’s possibly a lot more serious. He’s been for X-rays and an ultra sound scan late last week. He’s lost over 1 1/2 stone in the last 4-5 weeks too. So this morning I went to visit him. He really is unwell. I wasn’t shocked when I saw him. He wa glad I’d visited. I stayed a while. He asked if I’d go visit him again and I said of course I would and would phone tomorrow night and visit during the week.
Once home my wife and I talked briefly about it. Then we carried on in the garden. We loaded up some tree timings to take to the rubbish dump/recycle yard. On the way back we bought food to have in the garden with the kids. By then it was late afternoon and I then had a sneaky 25-30 minute nap and was woken by my phone ringing. I looked. It was my dads number. I answered but it rang off so I called back. His friend answered. He said that they thought he needed an ambulance and that he was refusing to let them call one. I jumped in my van and dashed over. By the time I got thee he had agreed to let them call for one. Paramedics came out and spent an hour checking things over. His vitals were ok and they thought it best not to take him to A & E as he might wait 6-8 hours only to get sent home again. The paramedics called the on-call Doctor who said that he would fax the local doctors surgery and insist that he get seen tomorrow preferably with a home visit. The doctor can then phone and get the results and if needed get him straight onto a ward rather than wait.
It’s hitting me. I’ve got anger at things simmering away. I’ve got emotion running wild and I think it’s possibly triggering me to go high again. I’ll see. I’m shattered from today. It’s hit hard. I’ll try going to bed early and calm it right down. I can sense how tense I am and I’m feeling distant from my family again. I just don’t know. I just don’t know what to think or do. It’s not easy. It’s brought home once again about my mums death. I guess I’m strong. Maybe stronger than I realise at times. I do seriously fear that if or when things go bad with my dads illness it will send me way off the rails or into another breakdown. I’m already thrown by it all…. Who knows what might happen.
I guess life’s short and at times we feel invincible or even immortal.
