It’s Monday morning and it’s 6:18. I’m up and about. I’ve been awake on and off since probably 4 am. I have dozed a little and my son got up at 5:30. I’m anxious yet again. Anxious about lots of things now and I’ve been very worried about my dad all night. Each time I woke up I wondered if he’s mnaged to sleep. He’s wasting away. I just hope that they can work out what’s wrong. It’s possibly bowel cancer, Chrones disease or Colitus. My brain is more fried than it was when I blogged last night. I know I’ll wake up more fully later this morning when I start work. I’m already thinking I might have coffee this morning to get some energy moving. The big worry is it can send me off on one. I think I’m already headed that way though and it can balance me out too. I’m shaky this morning both physically and mentally. I’ve already skimmed back through what I’m writing correcting my mistakes. Maybe I’ll just leave any from here on in. I’ve got so much bouncing through my head and it’s tearing into me. I’m struggling to see because tears are welling up in my eyes. I’m hyper emotional too. I feel punished yet again and I hate self pity. Yet I feel like I am rolling in a huge pile of self pity. What if he dies soon? Even if he doesn’t he will die one day. How will it affect me? I’m so sure it’ll tip me over the edge and I really fear it. I know I’m already not handing it. The mask is getting out on even firmer than usual today, as it did when my mum was seriously ill. This is one of those times I wish I could phone her and talk to her. Fuck. Fuck it all. Life is so fucking cruel at times. Fuck it. It cruel watching someone waste away in front of you. I’ll not get into religion either! So today the doctor should come out to see my dad and he should chase up the results of the X-ray and ultra sound scan. He or she better bloody chase it up or I’m going to start getting even more involved.
So Where am I at apart from breaking inside and once again feeling unsure about my life and if I live it well. Punishment. It’s punishment. I see it clearly. I’ve been punished all my life right from birth really. I try to be good I do indeed yet it always boils down to some kind of punishment. Maybe it’s part of the path to enlightenment. Maybe I’m just delusional once again. Im fucked if I know. Why aren’t I just a normal dumb fuck plodding stupidly through life as happy as a pig in fucking shit. Im starting to envy dumb stupid people. I really am. I think today the world can go fuck itself and fuck off. The end.
Oh I’m back again. I forgot to say my ears are ringing big time. My body feels warmer than usual. My head is starting to race again and although I’m sitting still I ahave been restless in the night and feel restless right now in my body. In fact I feel a little separate from my body. It’s like driving a car. You’re in control of it while driving but it’s not part of you. You’re the bit inside trying to traverse all the outside obstacles that come your way and you’re frantically steering one way or the other and still don’t feel in control. Plus you know, this is the shitty bit, that if you want to or need to you can stop and get out of that car for good and leave it. And so the merry go round carries on. I can hear a Risset rthymn going around in my head endlessly.
