It’s been a tough day today. I didn’t sleep very well last night and I am almost dead certain that I won’t sleep well tonight. My head is spinning. Really spinning. My appetite is down too. I’ve drank plenty of fluids and I know there are some really tough times coming. I’m not sure how I’ll handle everything but I’ve got no choice. Life just got shitty. It’s just gotten very real and nasty.
The doctor came out to see my dad today and at first things didn’t seem too bad. The chest X-ray came back as clear and he said he would phone up when he had the results of the Ultra Sound. That’s when things got really shitty. My dad has tumours on his liver. Secondary tumours. The doctor can’t be certain but it has possibly spread from primary bowel cancer although bowel cancer didn’t seem to show up on the Ultra sound. He has now put dad on the list to be seen by specialists in two weeks or less. If he deteriorates he will get him admitted to hospital straight away too. I feel seriously dazed and confused. I feel all of the emotions possible all at once. I keep welling up with tears. I don’t know what to do or what to say or think either. I do know I need to straighten myself up properly and make some calls to a few people. I started earlier. It’s not easy. I’m also looking at alternative methods of cancer cure like bicarbonate of soda and also Rick SImpson oil. It might well be too late for this though. The doctor described it as an aggressive cancer. Possibly very aggressive were the words he used. It is what it is.
I feel quite out of it. I’m kind of outside myself. I had to put on a big mask today at work or I’d of broken down. I fear all that I have to face up to as well because I need to be strong but I fear breaking down too. Not just breaking down in tears but a mental breakdown. Maybe being so aware of it will help me to deal with it. I feel like I’m going high already and I know the lack of sleep will get worse and that’s only a bad thing because sleep keeps me level mostly.
Tomorrow we have an appointment with A child psychologist with my son. Another thing in the back of my mind. I don’t feel I can write down exactly how I feel even though I know how I feel. Maybe I should. I guess I feel punished. I always feel punished. That’s the story of my life.
