I’ve slept well but woke at 5:30 this morning. I did snooze again until 6:20 when I got up. I was so tired yesterday I had a sleep on the sofa about 6:45 last night. I’m trying to be off Facebook again. I’ve not deactivated but I’m trying to change how I use it. One thing that’s good is where I’m working there is no phone signal at all so I can’t go on even if I wanted to. I can’t believe how much I got done in only a anew Hours there yesterday. Amazing. That’s the distraction of Facebook I guess and my addictive behaviours. So I’m trying to cut out anything that’s detrimental to me on there or anything that’s neggative based etc. Anyway I woke early and was anxious when I got up. I’m not so anxious now but it’s still there simmering away.
My van is in the garage and has been since yesterday. It’s a bit of a ball ache but hopefully I can pick it up later today. I’ve so much to get done and it’s all doable. It’s just the anxiety that gets to me though. All the racing thoughts beating me up a bit. I know I’ll get there.
It’s still not sunk in or even sinking in that my dad has died. That he’s dead. He’s gone. His body is in a wooden box in a hole in the ground. The scary thing is that it feels like a film or something. Like none of it’s real. It’s not happened or happening. I can’t explain it very well but I feel like I’m not feeling it. Like I’m just plodding along but a bit more tired. It’s nuts. I know everyone grieves differently but I keep trying to be rational about it all. I really don’t know what I think or feel. I’m not sure I can even. I’ve so many others that need me to be me I have to keep going. So I’ll keep my mask on. Problem is it’s getting or got to the stage where I don’t even know if I’m wearing it or not. It’s all just a big huge roundabout going around and around. A carousel going around and around and up and down. The music is deafening too. Lah lah lah lah.
