I am going to the doctors today and I’m as anxious as hell. I don’t know where to start or how much to say. I’m already paranoid that they will say I need to go away or to take time off work. I’m so busy right now it would be impossible. I thought I would feel much better today because I felt almost ok last night. I’m tired of wanting to escape myself and my life. I don’t think I can be fully open with anyone anymore. I hide myself behind the mask I wear. Most see me as the joking builder who is always ok but the reality is inside I’m dying. People don’t want to know about someone with a broken mind or a mental illness and you can’t see it either. I’m tired. If I tell my wife I need a holiday she says that I’m not the only one. I know she could do with a break. I don’t think she realises how desperate I am to escape,use of as much as anyone else. I just want to sleep forever. I feel like I’ve been strong for too long, that enough is enough now, that I allow too many people to think I’m ok. So what do I tell the doctor? I fear saying too much. I fear being ridiculed or not fully understood. Mostly I fear that I will fix the mask on even better and will act that it’s not so bad and I shouldn’t of made an appointment. Last time I went, almost 2 years ago, I barely scratched the surface with what I told them.
