I have anxiety yet again. I had it yesterday too on and off. Yesterday was yet another day of highs and lows. I ended up in tears last night before bed, yet after drumming I felt level or high. I finished work at 3:10pm because I couldn’t cope any longer and came home to bed for an hour. I feel like I’m a shell of myself at times and at others I am fully alive. How can it be minutes inbetween each of these? I’m not sure how much to say to the doctor tomorrow either. One minute anxiety and paranoia, one minute a hollow shell, one minute level and one minute higher than high awesome. It’s fucking tiring. I feel like my body, let alone my mind, can’t cope too much longer. Every time I think I’m getting on top of it all it goes tits up. My life isn’t real. I’m an actor playing a role. My dreams seem real half the time and both are mixed up and at times I can’t distinguish between them.
I hope tomorrow I don’t hide behind my mask although I’m sure I will. I’m sure I’ll play it down. I did before because I was scared shitless. I’m scared now. I’m tired of it all. I just want to run away.
