I’m really shattered. I wish I could go to sleep for a whole day. I’m running on hypomania now. I need to watch it as this is the same as most other years. I really need to keep an eye and not let it start its usual climb to mania before and during Christmas. This has been a strange year so far and it’s gone so fast. Superman isn’t outting too much of an appearance in this year. Maybe he’s deserted me. I don’t think he’s gone forever but he’s not shone through this year much.
Last night on my drive back from drumming I almost broke. I welled up I side. I nearly had to pull over and let it all out. Something clicked. My parents are dead. They’re dead. I can’t talk with them. I can get advice from them. I can’t see them. I can’t ask them things. Can’t ask what drove them to separate. So many questions unanswered. It tires me not being able to shed grief that’s hidden deeply inside. I don’t want to hold it any longer. I should consider seeing the private counsellor I saw a few years ago. I’ll think about it. Drumming is my therapy now.
The older I get the less I want to be around others yet I know I need to socialise. I know my wife used to like to socialise a bit. Apart from when depressed. Who knows.
