Yesterday was the second year since my dad died. I took Fynn fishing last night but we were both too tired and he was grumpy. Everything I did he said was wrong and I got pissed off. He was pissed off too. Sometimes fishing trips can be like that. Hopefully the next one will be better. It’s strange because it wasn’t planned in advance. Often when they’re not they don’t seem to go well. Anyway I’m tired. I’ve been wondering if I’m showing the first signs of being unwell or getting unwell but I’m not sure and it’s bloody hard to work it out. It can make me feel slightly lost inside. I have ordered a new reel and rod and a new reel for Fynn too but last night it felt pointless and I started beating myself up mentally thinking I shouldn’t of spent the money. The internal chatter niggled at me and I had no energy left inside to fight it or question it. I know dates of things affect me and I guess I’m expecting, or had expected, yesterday to kind of manifest something or to trigger something. I know the internal tiredness affects how I perceive myself and what’s going on. The small things seem to add up and seem to ‘signify’ things and slight paranoia creeps in. I can’t tell if I’m misreading things and am paranoid or if I’m highly tuned in and am spot on. The lines blur. They morph into a kind of reverie but not at the same time. I think I might go back to bed for an hour and go to work slightly later and nip it in the bud. One of the jobs I’m working on is almost finished and it’s looking good so best I don’t stress myself. When I pressure myself things don’t flow naturally and I won’t force things anymore. I’ve found things have been going well lately and I’ve let them flow. Often when I push myself, telling myself I’m lazy and nasty, then I get more unwell. I need to level this off and smooth the lines out rather than push and push and set myself back again. I’ve been level for a few months and nothing will get in the way of me keeping myself level. I’ve too much to loose, my sanity mostly. The strange thing is that feeling tired, off it and edgy is something I had got used to for so many years and I thought I’d miss it. I don’t miss it but yet there’s a familiarity with it and it feels ‘homely’ as if it’s part of me when really it isn’t but is I guess. Yes. It is part of who I am when unwell BUT it’s not a defining part of me and not who I am fully. Some rest it is then. An hour extra rest can mean doing more work in less time and yet again over the last few weeks I’ve seen it to be true and seen it in action. Maybe I’ll discuss this with the psychologist on Monday.
