Life has been, and continues to be, stressful. It’s an ongoing circle. I’m becoming and I am a person I don’t like. I can’t seem to find a way to break the cyclical things that come up. Each time I think I’ve got a grip they kick me harder. I’m considering doing LSD as I’ve heard it can completely cut out depression. I’m also thinking of upping my meds to what they were before. I spoke with my wife about it last night. She said I’m edgy and it’s like walking on eggshells around me. I’m wondering if I’m slipping into a mixed episode. I’m full on at work but I’m also getting completely worn out and at times crashing as soon as I’m home. Several days last week and the weekend I’ve had to sleep during the day or after work. It’s like a switch. Lights out. Last week would of been my mums birthday, dates are always a trigger. I’m at a loss as to how to get a handle on this. Am I just overthinking life and situation or am I getting unwell. The uncertainty is the unknown and I’m discombobulated. The ringing is loud in my ears. Hay fever is harsh. I’m disinterested in fishing, casting, food growing and often work. I want to become a hermit. I’ve considered running away but that’s not fair on my family. Suicide wouldn’t be fair either and as crazy as it sounds I made a promise to a friend not to try again and I’m trying to stick to it. People have been talking utter bollocks about me and it’s thrown me badly. I try fucking hard to be a good person. Really hard. Maybe some life decisions will be made soon. I really don’t know much these days.
