I’ve not written since Friday.
Yesterday it took until 1:06pm until I realised I actually felt quite present. The morning head spent with racing thoughts, at times quite aggressive thoughts, thoughts of feeling down and feeling a little like a victim too.
I’ve realised that when I am very present I feel how I imagine most people feel most of the time, human. When I’m feeling good I feel superhuman, when I’m feeling down I feel like the scum of the earth and worthless. I liken this to high ritual magic and the seeking of conversation with ones holy guardian angel.
what is it to feel human or for that matter to be human?
I’be been a vegetarian for over 8 months, almost vegan, coffee free and alcohol free for that long too. I think that has helped me start to come to terms with how my mind is slightly different. I feel like I have more control now too, to a degree. Meditation and Qigong have helped hugely. I’ve meditated for years and years now. The more I meditate the more I start to understand myself. I seek enlightenment in this life too. Maybe by understanding myself much more I get much closer to it.
life never ceases to amaze me in both respects.
