I’m feeling a bit arghhh today. I’ve had a meltdown of sorts. I was quite conscious but not conscious of it. Maybe it’s still ongoing but at least now I’m feeling back in my body a bit. I’m certainly aware of some tension in my shoulders and back, which seems to of actually eased a bit. I spent lots of yesterday sunbathing in my garden. Not something I usually do. It certainly helped unwind me. Last night I also drank alcohol for the first time in a year. I’d avoided it in case it brought on any issues or episodes, but in fact last night it helped clear me a little. I guess it was a useful tool. I won’t however rush back in quickly, although I have had a loose invite to a party in a couple of weeks, I’m not sure if I will go or not though. I’ve not mentioned it to my wife either as I’m not sure if I’ll go. Maybe I should go. Maybe it’ll release some more tension. I don’t know.
I have come to realise that I’ve had a few mixed state episodes. I’d not really thought about it until yesterday. I know I’ve had extreme rapid cycling. Talking about it yesterday with someone helped me realise I have been in a mixed state very recently. Maybe talking about it brought something out in me, helped me to try to see it and deal with it. I fear that I’m a looney at times. Maybe it’s time I fully embraced who I am. I did post on Facebook last night that I have Cyclothymia etc.
I guess unless one has the thinking that I have or get its so hard to understand. My wife struggles. I feel like I’m slowly killing her, that she’s suffocating. I used to hold it in so much for so long that I honestly believe it’s why it’s come out as it has. I’ve had such strong emotions in my life to deal with and feeling things so very deeply takes its toll. I’m pretty thick skinned too!
As I said earlier I sunbathed yesterday to get my fill of vitamin d and I know that it’s going to be wet this week too so I wanted to get some sunlight in my head.
I better get started with my week ahead. It’s time to go practice some qigong outside while I can. It’s beautiful so far out there today.
I forget earlier, but yesterday afternoon I was laying on a blow up mattress outside in the sun talking to my wife about things. I think that she may of thought I was ignoring her but whilst laying there face down I was certain it was moving. It almost felt like it was hovering. I’m pretty sure it wasn’t. I’ve halucinated before so I wasn’t too worried.
