I’m human again. I’m feeling really balanced and good. My thoughts aren’t too fast. I’m good. It’s been a while, well a couple of weeks or so. It certainly was a mixed episode. I’ve felt extremely high and low all at the same time. Death has reared his head in life as well as my thoughts. A guy I know died in a motor bike accident a week and a bit ago and it really hit me. Most people won’t understand how these things can affect me or at another time not affect me at all. Much like when my mum was ill and died. I kind of switched right off in some respects but in others I felt the tiniest of things so deeply. Anyway today I’m feeling ok and ok is good for now. In a mixed state I contemplate suicide, I always know I’ll be ok and get through but it can fuck lots of things up along the way. The thing is that with those suicidal feelings or the dwelling on death there is the greatest joy of life. Almost like looking at a blade of grass and seeing the pure bliss of life and creation yet knowing it will get cut down and die. I guess when in a mixed state you really get to live every emotion and experience.
I’m taking creatine for my bodybuilding and I honestly think now it’s in my system it’s helped my brain. There are various studies which have found it can help unipolar depression and in some cases bipolar disorder, although it has caused hyper mania in some people.
