I’ve been awake since 6am but had woken earlier a few times and I’ve just had a few thoughts. Last night my daughter got angry, she’s 8, and threw her small table and broke some glass in an old cabinet. She can have quite a temper on her. My son, who’s 10, can have a temper too. Do I affect them? I mean are they affected by growing up around me or have they inherited something from me? I know I had a temper when I was younger, is it part of my illness and have they inherited it too? Maybe they’re just tired and growing and I’m worrying too much. Anyway it got me thinking how a mental illness affects those around us. Often when I’m feeling really good I feel like I’m a fake because I don’t consider I have a mental illness, I guess that’s also the illness. When I go over the abyss I feel so bad that I don’t even question if I’m mentally ill.
I’ve joined a bipolar forum and that has concerned me a bit too. It’s concerned me because some of the people are on lots of medication and can’t work and have even been institutionalised briefly. That scares me because I don’t want to get that far down the road. I’ve felt that I’ve been really really close though. I’ve felt so empty that I’ve wanted to be institutionalised to have a mental break from the real world. Maybe that’s why I enjoyed the solitary retreat I did. Maybe that’s what I need more than anything else, to have a little more time on retreat.
Anyway the more I learn and understand, the more I’m aware of how I honestly feel and that also helps me to see any triggers or notice any moods that go out of a normal range. I’m determined to live a full normal life.
