Last night I couldn’t focus properly on much. I did do a workout earlier in the evening which was great but afterwards things kind of seem a little blank. I know my memory has been affected lately. I’m starting to forget things and starting to get behind on some stuff again just as I was getting on top. As I was getting the shower temperature right for my daughter I saw an insect/bug on the side of the bath but it wasn’t there. It was a hallucination. As I got in bed I tried to read but couldn’t focus at all either. I fear my mood is changing or my illness is changing or getting worse. I put my books down and meditated instead, which was ok, but as I came around from it I had what I’d say was a mild panic attack about dying. Something kind of hit me and I lay there thinking ‘I’m going to die, I will die’. I didn’t think I was dying right then but was thinking about the future. I couldn’t get my head around it at all. Then it passed and I went to sleep. My sleep wasn’t the best again last night. I slept well but my dreams were odd again. I’ve just remembered I had a thought crop up as I tried to meditate. I imagined a scenario where I was sitting down with Stephen Fry to talk about mental health. I said to him that I’d already had the conversation in my mind. Then I thought it was a silky thought which switched back to thinking about chatting with him. I then told him I’d thought about thinking about chatting with him. Pretty nuts really.
This morning I’m not sure where I’m at other than I feel pretty ok again apart from some kind of pain in my chest area.
