I’m levelling off I think after feeling really mixed up, possibly a mixed episode of close to a week and a half. Last Friday night I slept in the tent with my children, I woke at 2:30 and didn’t sleep again until 5:30 or so. I’m sure that this was partly because I’m mixed but also didn’t help either. On Saturday I really struggled and we went up to the city. My wife was in pain so I kind of took full responsibility for all of us and was far from my best. I even had some hallucinations. Anyway I feel like I’ve levelled off again a little. I actually had a good nights sleep. I had one mildly strange dream that I can remember but it wasn’t so far from normal. I dreamt I was at a trackday. It was almost lunchtime and I’d only just arrived. It had its own issues going on. Lots of small struggles going on like being late for a start. I guess it signifies my anxiety at things and how all those small struggles build up to anxiety.
I’ve got my van back from the garage now with an MOT on it so that’s eased my mind lots. I had been told earlier last night that it was f*cked, which was the last thing I needed to hear. It sent me down so fast I couldn’t see a way out and had a few suicidal thoughts very briefly. I guess when my moods get mixed I’m on the knife edge all the time. Luckily for me I had texted my wife earlier yesterday morning telling her some things about my feelings and also asked her to remind me last night to go to bed earlier than I have been. It’s a big step for me to relinquish responsibility like that to another person and yet another big step to actually listen when told. It’s not often that I’ll need her to remind me of that but it’s so important for me to keep really regular circadian rhythms. If they get thrown out, especially my sleep, it takes at least a week to get back on track. Hopefully this weekend I’ll get lots of rest. Hopefully next week I can get my workouts back on track too because they really help balance me.
Anyway rest is what’s needed this weekend along with some meditation and some reading. If I had lots of good energy I would be off to Shropshire tomorrow or tonight but I’m not even going to consider it.
