Today is going to be a dry day luckily. I will go and get on with some painting outside today. I’m feeling much more level after a tricky few days, well almost a week. I had a strong coffee last night which levelled me out. I’m not sure how my mood will be today but I will deal with it however it is. I don’t have any other choice really.
Yesterday I started to read back through this blog. I’m both amazed and disheartened by it. I’m amazed because I’m being pretty open, although still not fully, but disheartened because I’m still cycling through mood swings and I’d hoped to of settled them right out of my life by now. The three weeks I had recently where I felt normal were both fantastically great and fantastically dull for different reasons. I could live with being in a normal mood all of the time now I think. I certainly want to. The occasional slightly raised mood thrown in would be nice but not a necessity.
The forum moderator on the forum I’ve been banned from has emailed me to say I may go back on as long as I don’t share this blog or personal information. I now understand the reasoning for why they had to do it. I may go back on but I will stay away for now until my mood is much more settled. It’s good being on a forum like that because I can share my feelings, I can chat with others who have these feelings too but I’m wondering if it has a downside to it and that being that it may trigger how I feel. I feel a little ashamed to have to say others affect my mood because I see myself as strong minded and for me to be influenced by others makes me feel weak minded and feeble. In fact it’s very disheartening. I know that in the past others have tried to play on this and on my good will. They’ve thought that they can control me to a degree, but unknown to them I am pretty intelligent and was instead trying to help them but turn a blind eye to their manipulative side. In the end I’ve had to cut them out. I’ve had to do that to a few people in my life now. Afterwards they act like children and try to lay the blame upon me. Maybe I won’t suffer fools anymore.
My ritual has already been done this morning and was good. I have read my newest book about angelic magick and it’s history. It’s more a history than a how to book but that’s fine by me as I already know what I’m doing in my own rituals. With each ritual I’m understanding more. I also think the routine of morning and night rituals fits very well with my circadian rhythms. Hopefully this will be of double benefit to me.
I went back outside early evening yesterday and did a little more of a workout with weights. I’m a little torn between having some fun throwing some weights around and trying to keep to a set workout routine which I normally do. I guess I’ll just play for now and let it lead into proper workouts again if that happens. If it doesn’t then at least I’m getting some exercise.
