Yesterday I had a trigger which I didn’t even realise until later last night. Early yesterday afternoon we went to a craft fair and saw friends there who I hadn’t seen for a year or so. It was strange but I didn’t realise that it might be a trigger. The craft fair was in a small village hall. The first time I went to go in with my wife I backed out and said I’d stay outside with the children, who were playing outside on the play area. I said I didn’t want to pay £1.50 to go in, which was a bit of an excuse. It looked crowded and it made me feel a little edgy to say the least. I went back outside to the children but after a while they argued a bit and I said we should go in and find their mum. Once in the hall it wasn’t as bad as I thought. I saw our friends and my son and I had a chat with the guy who we are friendly with. He’s a black smith and had a stall there, my son is interested in being a black smith too. All was ok but the guy said I looked well. I said I’d been working out again etc. The conversation went on a bit more. He said something like ‘well you’re alright you’re still standing’. I think he knows I’ve had some issues at work but I’m not sure if he knows about my issues I’ve had with my mind. I didn’t quite know what to say. Should I say about my mind or not? Should I ask if he knew because some people don’t like to know about stuff like that. Anyway I knd of tied myself up in knots over it a bit with not knowing.
When we got home we were all a little tired but even so I felt edgy and moody. I felt silly for feeling moody which didn’t help then my thoughts started racing with paranoid thoughts. It took a while to straighten out. I’m just shocked it had or has affected me as much as it did. I guess that’s the nature of it. My instinct was saying not to go there. In a way I wish I’d of taken notice but in another way I’m glad I didn’t because I now know that unexpected things can trigger me off and I can deal with them after a short few hours. A few hours dealing with them is ok by me considering before now I’ve taken days or weeks. I’ve also realised my biggest trigger, possibly what really started everything coming out, was my mums illness and then her death. That’s something I’m still dealing with even now. I avoid people who remind me of her or who also affected me following her death through their actions. It’s meant I’ve cut people out and I’m not sure if that is good or bad because am I looking after myself by cutting them out or am I avoiding dealing with things? It’s all a journey I guess. It’s all part of who I am right now and where I’m at but it doesn’t mean I can’t change it when I want to.
I’ve been reading about how we have set points in our minds in life. I’ve realised that I’ve built upon mine the last few years and all my life in some ways. A set point is where our subconscious feels we shouldn’t go past. It can be any level of life from how far up one feels that they should go in a work setting or any setting in life. If someone from a working class background exceeds the social limits that are normally subconsciously placed on them then they’ve moved their set point. If a person feels they shouldn’t go for a promotion at work because it’s ‘above’ them then they’ve found a set point. We all make excuses for all number of things. Some say that they’re not materialistic so they kind of plod through life, which is more than fine as long as they’re happy, but still live within the consumer world. True non materialism could be seen as being a monk or nun or a wanderer of no fixed abode. We all have set points and some are there for the greater good. Imagine if every time someone annoyed is and we acted violently towards them, that wouldn’t be good. So it’s good to have certain set points, but it’s also good to try to be aware of those subconscious set points that might hold us back from doing what we really want to. I mean how many doctors had parents who were doctors? Or teachers who’s parents were teachers? My father was a builder and my grandfather on my mums side too! I never wanted to be a builder. I wanted to be a professional bodybuilder but I likited myself and couldn’t break my set point with certain things to do with bodybuilding, one of which was I wouldn’t take steroids. I’m just glad I’m reaching a level in life now where, mostly, I’m not afraid to deal with things and I’m starting to realise how much I restrict myself. It’s like an opportunity where one man sees how it can go wrong badly but another sees how to make it work really well by weighing up everything including the downsides. Life is there to be lived but also understood and understanding oneself fully takes a LOT of work and a lot of self honesty and self discovery. It’s always ongoing too because we change our barriers the more we move forwards. Once started its a great ongoing journey with moments of bliss and fear too but everything usually hasa way of working out.
The last Few days I’ve sat down to write this blog and have wondered what I will write and how I feel and have thought I’d struggle to put anything down but I think that has actually helped me to open up even more. I could of just not written anything but I decided to make the effort and to push myself. I don’t think I’ve ever written as much before, certainly not since high school, but it’s helping me to open myself and my mind up even more. I guess I’m getting some confidence for life back. I’m certainly getting back in a good place mentally and business wise too which is a huge relief! Long may it last and long may my journey continue onwards and upwards. I think I’m going to live a very long life.
As above, so below.
I am that I am
