I’m worn out and tired in all ways. I need a holiday. A holiday from intrusive thoughts, from racing thoughts, from being strong, from being wired and from myself.
Tiredness what can I say? A ‘normal’ person gets tired obviously but I wonder what that tiredness feels like compared to the total wiped out feelings bipolar leaves one with. I’m much more shattered than I can admit to it to let show. I’ll never know.
I’m not fully here, in me. I’m an alien in a human body. Disjointed slightly. Disfigured possibly and dismally dumbed down.
I’ve been told by countless people now that they love that I’m real. I don’t know why. Maybe people are so used to sugar coated bullshit and I’m just being myself and being open about my life struggles. Maybe that’s it. Maybe I am real. I feel very real right now.
I’m still going up and down a lot. There’s a song that resonates with me at the minute. Kurt Vile and the violators, Pretty pimping. It’s a great song. it sums me up, although I can’t look in a mirror at the minute because I won’t know who’s looking back at me. Who am I ? Maybe I’m real but who really am I? Am I you? Am I me?
I’m tired again for a short while. I went out last night and got home about 11:30pm. I was wired so didn’t sleep until 3am and had to force myself to turn lights off etc. I was up just after 6 this morning again as usual. I’m over sensitive too. One right sentence and I’m glowing. One wrong or confusing word or sentence and I get close to the tipping point. I’m tired by it all. Circles within circles. Endless repetition. I think I really am in either groundhog day or a simulation of life.
I’m discharged from mental health as it was short term recovery from crisis that I was under them for. Its a good job mind are there sometimes!
Into the realms of madness and mayhem internally chattering with nonstop internal dialogue. The deluge comes and goes closer then further. Can one be ‘loosing it’ if one is aware of it happening? Can madness be true madness if one is aware of the signs and significances creeping in and out of ones mind? Madness. What is madness? Insanity. What is insanity? Is madness insanity? Is insanity madness? Are they the same or are they distinguishable from each other? I’m sure philosophy would have an answer. As would psychiatry. Maybe they would find different differences differently. Maybe they would be entranced by the entrance. Patterns within patterns all coming together yet still one is articulate. Can one be articulate about madness and insanity? Hmmmmm. Things to ponder upon along with the great scheme of things. If madness and insanity are related where does crazy come into it. Is crazy a foolish act carried out knowing full well that one is doing it? If so how can someone do something while crazed? Hmmmmmm. Is there something as solid as reality? Is reality solid ?
Noise. Too much noise. No peace. No rest. No relaxation. No time away from others or from oneself. No escaping the inescapable. No spescaping self.
Yesterday in a brief moment of clarity or being level it’s dawned on me that I am ultradian cycling and have been fora few days. Last night I went upstairs oit of the way at about 7:30 or maybe earlier. I don’t know and went to sleep about 8:30. I phoned the local mental hospital mid afternoon but heard nothing back even though they said they would. I called again just before 5pm. I managed to get transferred to someone and she told me I was discharged in July as I was under short term crisis recovery and they felt I was doing well. Of course I was doing well I do bloody well. Much better than most and that’s why when shit kicks off I get hit harder. Anyway she said to get a GP appointment and talk to them and maybe get referred back ffs. Get a fucking GP appointment when bordering crisis point? Wtf? She mentioned MIND so in the end I phoned them and they were very helpful and have suggested I log in with them as often as I want to and possibly daily or more if need be. They will keep private notes and if need be can call for police or ambulance or crisis team direct. So I’ll keep doing that. Sleep has helped so far although I have had anxious dreams and have some anxiety this morning. I have so much to do and need to get money in and now the printer is playing up and I need yellow ink now so I can do a nozzle cleaning. It’s all bollocks. Fuck it.
I’ve been getting unwell and am unwell. I’ve been stuck in a mixed episode over the weekend or before and I’m agitated and can’t switch off. I don’t want to go to work. I have no choice. I have no money. Luckily I grow food or we wouldn’t have much to eat. It’s all famine and feast. I’m stressing myself over the coming winter. Our boiler isn’t working and I can’t face doing anything about it yet. I either dreamt or had a premonition that my MH team are reading this blog and monitoring me. Maybe they are I don’t know. They acted on it? On what though? Something isn’t right because my wife went off on a bit of a giddy one Saturday for a short while. I’ve been so up myself lately. Overthinking even the stupidest of things and maybe there’s something going on with our water or air? Anyway I can’t focus on all this too much or work. I’m sleeping a lot less. I’m down to about 6 hours or less per night at the minute and am always a good for 8 hours. I need to switch off. Time is going so fast. I’m nearly42. So much to do in my life but I think I’m just too scared and find too many excuses not to do things. What is safety? We’re not safe ever. My concentration is way out there. Why do others want to understand me or try to understand. I’ll break. I know I will. I’m breaking already. How can I be so fucking breakable. I’m supposed to be strong. I’m pathetic now. It’s stupid and shit. Something is being done to me it must be. Others getting their claws in. I should socialise but people are dumb. It’s all stupid tv and crap and all that hiding from what’s really going on. Brain numbing crap.