It’s already Thursday and tomorrow is the funeral. I’m not sure how I feel. The grave will be dug today. I need to write some things down for the vicar to read out at some point today. I’ve avoided it, like I do most things in life when feeling low or like this. Where to start ? I guess I need to start at his birth and go from there.  I’m vague about it all. Not the details but my head, my mind. I keep glazing over. im not sure why I feel like this because from what I’ve read and understood of Buddhism then I should be able to let go of emotion and feeling. Maybe I’ve not got as far as I think at times. I guess it’s best not to guess. It is what it is and that’s that.    

My head is a bit all over the place. I just want to go away. Far away. Start all over again. I figure that must of been how my mum was because she moved away and started again. Maybe she did have her own stresses and shit going on. I’ll never know. I can only guess. I need to let things go I know that much. It’s funny about wanting to get away because last night I was feeling like I needed to build bridges again with family. That I needed to maybe forgive others for things.  Up and down I go like a yoyo. I’m still trying to work out where I fit into everything these days. Death, what a strange thing you are. We don’t know what comes after life until we die. Maybe it’s something so fantastic. Maybe we are aliens in a huge virtual reality world and at death we just take off the mask or whatever and say ‘wow that’s a good game’ and carry on living our alien lives. Maybe we get born again in this world after a time. Maybe there’s nothing. A nothing that we don’t even know about so it’s pain free. Who knows? Only the dead I guess.  I’m starting to wonder about my own mortality now too. I’m wondering who I really am. Mostly I disgust myself but yet I kind of love myself too. Fuck knows. 

I will be going in to work today and am not sure how much I will get done either. I’ll take it as it comes and if I’m tired will either havea sleep or finish early. There’s still so much to get sorted with my dads stuff. So much. I’m a bit anxious this morning too. I’m not sure why but it’s not unusual.    

Last night my wife and children went out to have chips on the beach but I stayed here. I was so torn over it. I needed the head space and the total peace and quiet but I felt like I was letting my children and wife down by not joining in too. I thought that I should be doing the family thing and go but I couldn’t face it so I stayed at home and had a hot bath. I nearly fell asleep in there too! I was in bed before they got home.  I’m just so tired all of the time. I also realised how stressed and tense I am all of the time too at the minute.  I sat in bed watching something or reading and it dawned on me that most of my body was tense. So I tried to allow myself to relax fully.    

 I didn’t sleep too badly last night. It’s possibly one of the first nights I’ve slept ok since the week before dad died.  I’m still not registering that he’s dead. That’s he’s gone. That he’s not there anymore. I know that a lot of the time at the minute I’m pretty delusional and my thoughts and thinking are all over the place. I can’t control it though. I also fear that if I did try to control it I might break even more because of being forceful. I don’t think I know how to handle any of this so I’m just trying to ride it out. It’s all I can do.  I’m not even sure I’m doing that.  

  It’s hard for me to Work out what is the grief and what is my mind and it’s workings. I can’t tell the difference. I fear breaking too. All of my lines are fuzzy and I can’t explain anything to anyone. It’s almost like I feel like an empty shell. I can feel like that without grief though. I’ve just realised I’m tense this morning writing this.  I’m never sure if putting all this down helps or hinders me. Do I dwell upon it or is it a release? I really don’t know. I used to think I was starting to get a good grasp on things. I’m not so sure now. I’m not sure I know anything anymore. 

I’ve got a huge headache. I’ve had it all day. I’ve not managed to get to walk in the either today and have spent most of today going through dads paperwork and informing people that’s he’s dead like utility companies etc.  Most have been pretty helpful and considerate. I’m shattered and can’t wait for all of the tiredness to pass. It needs to but I guess it’s related to grieving and depression. I’m certainly getting into a hole. Oh well. It will get better. It must. 

It’s Tuesday morning and just after 7am. Most of the last night I felt anxious about this morning. I’ve worried that I’d sleep too long and miss the appointment I have to get the medical and death certificates. I’ve worried about getting the clothes I’ve chosen to the funeral directors too. I’m so anxious this morning.  I’m not sure if I’ve got hay fever or a cold coming but I couldn’t breathe very well last night either. I need to get to work to get some money in too. I also need to make out some bills for people but have put it off so many times lately. I’m not sure why I’ve put it off but usually I get like this when I’m depressed. I think today I need to get these things done. First I’ll go to the hospital then got to dads and pick his clothes up to take to the funeral directors, then I’ll make the bills out that need doing and only then will I decide if I go to work. I’m shattered. I need some mental headspace. Maybe work is just what I need. I’m not sure. I certainly need to get some money in that’s for sure.

I can’t believe I’m back to feeling such a fucking muddle. I’d really got on top of things after being depressed earlier this year. It’s all just blown me out the window again. I can’t think straight and I can’t even think most of the time. I think I’ve dissasociated myself yet again.  I have to say that this is the worst I’ve felt upon getting up to date since dad died. I’ve not taken on board that he’s dead yet either. I’m in a strange kind of fantasy in my head. I’m not sure where I’m at or what’s really going on.  Escape would be good. It would be amazing. There is no escape from this though and I’m now on my own, alone. 

I’ve been a bit odd or off today mostly. As usually I’ve worn my mask. I’ve cleared my office and the wall between my office and the neighbours has started to get taken out so that we divide the area up differently. Anyway that’s besides the point really. Where was I. Oh yes ok. Right today I’ve been on the go most of the day. After getting the office cleared I took the kids out to buy some stuff for,inch then all of a sudden it’s after 3 pm. My wife worked today so I was in charge. Half way through clearing my office my inlaws came around to say hello and had a cuppa. I felt so spaced out it was weird. While they were talking I just couldn’t concentrate and my mind just went way out there.  Way away. Not sure where I was. Anyway I did a few silly odd things today. One was trying to unlock the padlock on my shed by pressing the button on my van keys! Another was checking twice and trying to lock my dads door with my house key. I spent most of the night last night dreaming about both of my parents. Not good. It’s taken its toll. Yesterday really has had its effect on me too. My heads spinning yet again at the minute. I thought I’d done so well getting stuck in to clearing dads house but I’m not so sure today as I’m shattered moth mentally and physically. That’s life I guess and dealing with a death and grief.  This afternoon we met the vicar at about 5pm to discuss the funeral. It’s pretty much sorted but I’m fucked if I can remember what was decided. I guess the important thing is that at the time I agreed so it must of seemed like the right decisions. Anyway I know the middle hymn, it’ll be ‘the old rugged cross’ because my grandad liked it and had it at his funeral. So I figured it’s the right thing to do. My dad thought lots of his dad so decision made. Anyway we chose a possible spot for burial as long as it’s not already reserved.  After that we went to his house to pick some more things up and we had the children with us and as soon as we got in there my daughter started going on about having biscuits. She’s only 9 poor thing. Anyway after a while I said where they were but ended up getting pretty short tempered with her. It really wasn’t her fault but I guess the cracks in my armour are starting to appear…..

Today I’ve been clearing my dads house. Before we went there I made a list of things to get done etc. I did this so that I had a focal point and something to tick things off of. It really helped because it made it less personal. I know it’s a coping mechanism and it’s a form of mental compartmentalising things. I went there with the minds that it just had to be done, that it was just another ‘thing’ that needs doing. My wife and children were there along with my father in law. The children didn’t stay for long but I wanted them to help a tiny bit so they can deal with it a little and also my son wanted to find his Swiss army knife that my dad had for him. I knew I’d seen it last week when I’d been in sorting some things out but couldn’t remember where. Luckily I found it.    

 It’s so strange how a life when ended ends up in a few bags and boxs and lots of things just have to get recycled etc. Lots of things will go to a charity shop or local charity that sells furniture. Some things will go to those close to me and some of his musical instruments might need to be sold but ive decided if they aren’t worth too much I might see about donating them to the local primary school. Who knows. I’m now pretty sure he doesn’t have any life or funeral insurance. He always did have and always told me where it was and I even found documents there with the policy numbers on the front. Oh well. That’s life. Or death I guess.      

I’m not feeling so bad today.  Yesterday was a full bore mixed episode and coupled with grief it was almost a tipping point too. I’m glad I was able to articulate my feeling and get them down in case of the future.  One thing I am surprised I did today was tell my cousin about the cyclothymia/bipolar and also about this blog. She was pretty shocked to read how I can feel at times.  I’m only now aware that she’s been going through some things herself over the last few months  it’s funny how things crop up or come out.  I will have to go and see her for a cuppa and a chat. She’s always been one of my favourite cousins and my dad always thought the world of her too.  

I’m not drinking today either.  I drank every night for almost the last week. Not good. I’m usually tee total. Oh well. Not to worry.  I guess we all cope with life in different ways at times and in ways we wouldn’t normally choose to cope. 

I’m struggling right now. Really struggling. I’ve kept my mouth shut. I’ve not put it here but I’ve been so up and down lately. Today I’ve felt very low but I’ve masked it as usual. I’ve been thinking about suicide lately. I know that if I do it at any point I’ll not say I’m going to or anything like that. And it won’t be anyone’s fault. Nobody will be to blame. I need to put it down. To get it out. To write it just so it’s here to be read and possibly understood. I’m struggling to cope more than I dare admit. Nobody can get how I feel. I’m lost. I feel bad. Really bad. I shouldn’t of cut my dad out for so long. I know I made up with him but I should of done it sooner and I’ll forever regret not doing it. Luckily I was ther for his final week in this life. I owe so much to him really. He raised me as a single parent who worked full time and sometimes weekends too just to pay the bills and the debts that my mum left him with.  I can’t leave my wife with debts or a mortgage to pay. It wouldn’t be fair. I’m so torn to shreds and I’m walking around with my mask fully on. Lah lay lah lah lah ‘I’m ok it’s all ok’ lah lah lah lah lah. Why do I struggle so much ? Why can I never get ahead in life? Why am I so punished? All my life I’ve been pushed and punished. My mum left when I was 6. That has hurt me so much. How? How could she? I don’t get it? Why can’t I ever tell people the full picture or the full story? What do I fear? Why do I fear? I still haven’t gone back to the doctors. I fear it. I fear them brushing me aside yet again. It’s not worth the turmoil. Fuck it all. Fuck The World. 

It’s still Saturday and I thought I’d write yet more drivel and bollocks/bull shit. I’m getting angry today. Everything is pissing me off. My Facebook needs a shake up and I’ve started putting a few things in their place. I mean seriously Facebook can be such a wanky place to be. I know they monitor what’s been looked at and then shove moe of that at you. It’s also a fact that they did a social engineering experiment by filling some peoples news feeds with hate and anger sometimes or posts that could invoke it  or lots of nice lighthearted stuff at other times to see how it affected people. The thing is most people don’t want to believe that this stuff actually goes on, BUT IT DOES. It’s true. It’s a fact. The world is controlled by corporations not governments. Governments are told what to do by corporations.  In America it’s called lobbying. That’s a polite way of saying that company’s will withdraw support for party’s or people if they don’t do as they’re told. Pretty much every country is the same and the people suck it up. They think that voting really makes a difference. Does it fuck. It’s like being told you’re going to be put to death but you get to choose which method you’ll die by. And then you think that you’ve been all grown up and special and you’ve made your own choices. It’s not how it really is.

Maybe I should become a revolutionary. I’ve started in my own way with trying to get off grid and starting to grow our own food. Little steps make for a great journey.  Permaculture is the only way forwards for this planet. We really are at the tipping point. Yet we all keep buying junk cheaply. Throwing rubbish into the earth and not giving a shit about things. We really do need to start doing all that we can and start right NOW! There is no time to loose and not much time left. There’s no planet B either. 

I’m up and about and got up at about 8 this morning, it’s now 8:54. My nose is a little blocked. Could be hay fever. Yesterday I felt quite normal or at least what I call normal, no racing thoughts, no highs Or lows as such. I was however awake until after 1 am. Whenever this happens I usually pass it off and think it’s just because I’ve slept so much lately but the reality is its usually when I’m going high that it happens! Fuck knows what’s coming. Today I feel reasonably normal if a little tired. I’ve got a house to clear. I’ve got some work to do and right now I can’t be arsed with too much of it to be honest. I need a big kick up the arse. A massive one.

 Everyone keeps telling me to grieve in my own way but they also think I should be upset mostly or fuck knows what. They all seem concerned that it’s not hitting me hard. I’m a bit concerned too but it’s good to be on top of my shit surely? Maybe I should go off and scream and shout about how unfair it all is or cry for days until my eyes are red. I don’t know.  Maybe I’m building it up inside until I just pop or break. That’s how it normally happens. I have noticed I’ve been a bit paranoid the last few days. Kind of second guessing everything and everyone just to keep on top of things.  It’s all dancing pegs and marching Roman soldiers. My ears are ringing and the last few nights I’ve been getting really hot. All signs that my mood is changing. Fuck. It’s just dawned on me. Fuck. 

It’s Friday and I’ve finally been able to arrange my dads funeral for next Friday.  It’s a relief to finally get things planned and in place. It’s bothered me having to wait for the hospital to get their fingers out of their arses. I will go to the hospital on Tuesday morning and get the medical certificate and death certificate.    

I’ve been to work today for most of the day and it was stressful at times but also good to get back out there and doing things.