I went back to work yesterday but only started at about 10am and finished just after 4pm. When I got home I meant to do paperwork but ended up crashing on the sofa as I was worn out. I wasn’t late to bed either!

  I’ve struggled to wake up this morning but I’ll soon get used to getting up early again. I’ll go back in at about 8 am today. 

I’m a bit unwell. I’ve had a virus and head cold since Tuesday and spent most of last night and this morning in the bathroom with a severely upset stomach. 

I’ve been thinking about various different things over the last few days, from increasing my Intelligence, Tibetan Buddhism, how to feel better quicker to all manner of other things that I’d like to do in life. I’d like to skydive before I’m too much older. I’m already learning the drums, which fantastic both mentally and physically. Learning an instrument is very good for keep g the brain active and increasing intelligence through creating new neural pathways. I’m still enjoying what I’m learning too. I’d like to travel far more than I ever have or we ever have. I want to have some more time on solitary retreat too. I want to keep learning more meditation techniques and Buddhist techniques to help me on my road to enlightenment. I’m still reading lots of books and web pages about it too. I guess I’m always learning new things. I’m never afraid to learn things. I’ll maybe go back to some ritual practice again very soon too.  

  Life is such a wonderful thing. I know at times I’d prefer to not be at work but while at work I get to meet lots of very different people from all walks of life. I need to find a little more satisfaction in my work too. I know I do my best pretty much all of the time but often I forget to stand back and look at what I’ve done or achieved. I guess I always aware of not being attached to it too. Always concious of ego creeping in or ego gratification. I feel, at times, like I’m still becoming who I am and that I can be so much more than I already am. I mustn’t loose sight of some of my life’s goals though, like having a retreat centre where I can help to guide others and where they can come to relax fully.  I guess I’ve still got lots to do in life! 

Its funny how I decided not to make resolutions but today I’m thinking about where I want to head from this year onwards. I’m not making plans that are set in stone. I’m looking at doing more of the things that I’d like to do and more of the things I should be doing. Maybe I’ve been giving this some thought because I’ve been unwell over night and most of today. I had a temperature over night and was slightly sick this morning.  I’m feeling quite a bit better now though.    

Life is good and is only going to get better too. 

I’ve realised how much work takes its toll on me. I’m feeling very relaxed today and have spent a fair amount of today outside with my son doing some black smithing and forging. He’s almost 11 and wants to be a blacksmith when older. I’d love for him to choose something like that, something he’s passionate about. Life is good and if we have passion for the things we do then life is rich. He loves it and he’s very careful with the heat and fire.  

Today is New Years eve and lots of people plan resolutions. I’m not planning any. I’ve realised that if and when I decide to change things then I will. I’ll do it when I’m ready and when I know the time is right and that I won’t fail, although failure isn’t always failure in the end. Anyway I’ll continue going my way as always.  

I’ve been feeling pretty good for a while now and that in itself is fantastic. Long may it last. If or when my mood changes I’ll try dealing with it then. I’ll not tie myself in knots trying to preempt it. 

It’s almost New Years eve or old years night as we say in Norfolk. I’m not making any resolutions because if I want to change anything about myself or my life I can do it any day of the year. I’m not saying that it’s not a good idea to have resolutions it’s just that I change when I want and sometimes when I don’t want too. Sometimes I change hourly. I’ve been away in London until last night and I’m finding that each time I go there I like it more and more. It’s great place to visit but most important was the people I saw. They are most welcoming and kind. One thing I do notice about London is that people avoid eye contact. I try not to be rude or stare but I do try to have eye contact and to smile at them and often they smile back too. 

I’m starting to feel like I’m relaxing more now. Last night I lay in bed in full awareness and communicating with my holy guardian angel. I completely relaxed my body and mind. I went to the true nature of mind, to pure openess. Anyway  I’m feeling more relaxed.  It’s interesting how certain things come through in pure awareness and how my mind doesn’t follow them at all.  

Yesterday morning I had a strong coffee with 2 sugars in it. It gave me a slight energy boost and it levelled me at the same time too. I’m glad it did. I’m aware that it can affect me a couple of days later though.    

We are off to London today and I had to do a very quick fix it job on the car last night because we hit a deer on our way back from my wife’s mothers last night. My wife was driving and I saw the deer peep out of the hedge. I said to watch out but my wife thought it wouldn’t jump out for some reason and didn’t slow down. I should of been driving. Anyway I got out to check the damage and the deer, a Munt Jacks deer, lay there still a short distance behind us. Then I saw it start to shake its legs in pain thrashing around. We saws car coming towardsusand two cars coming from behind. One of the cars from behind hit it and killed it, the driver stopped to check we were ok and he and I went and layed it in the hedge. Poor deer.  

Anyway the car is patched up and kind of ready to go. 

I have realised that I have no feelings about christmas. I used to get excited about it but yesterday seemed like just another day, albeit one where lots of money had been spent in the run up to it. I used to start getting excited 3 weeks before. Mostly I’ve felt tired. Tired of work and tired of the stress of life. I’m not being cynical. I think I have just come to a realisation that each day is just a day. It started on my birthday I think, I turned 40 this year, but maybe before that. I think I’ve felt some kind of disappointment about my birthday and also about life to a degree. I think it has built up over the past few years. I got 4 birthday cards for my birthday, neither of my stepdaughters sent me one. Maybe that says a lot. Maybe I am getting cynical or maybe I’m seeing the world as it really is. Maybe there isn’t all that much feeling in the world, real feeling. Maybe the world just is. Anyway the deeper I go into understanding myself and my spirituality the more I can see the extremes of polarity in the world. Maybe for now my joy has been sucked out of me. Maybe I too have allowed myself to slide from balance to one polarity. Anyway I feel disappointment. Probably disappointment in myself more than others. I’m certainly not relaxed. Not at the moment. It’s a good thing that I did my 5 day retreat otherwise I might be in a deep hole.

  Christmas to me has become out of my hands and stressful for several reasons. I’ve not been fully relaxed since my retreat. I’ve ended up working bloody hard up until Tuesday night, I’m like a coiled spring and tomorrow we go to London for a few days. I don’t usualy unwind until after Boxing Day but it will be after we get back from London that I can start to unwind now. My wife will no doubt read this and think I’m being selfish. If so then that’s up to her and that’s her opinion. Other than my retreat and bank holidays I’ve not had time off work since last Christmas of 2013 and if you include all of the Saturdays I’ve worked it nullifies those days off too.

I need to unwind and relax fully. I’m starting to get narrowed views and feel negative. Enough for now. 

I finished work yesterday for Christmas until 5th January woo hoo. I worked 3 days more than I had hoped to buy I huessthats how it can be running ones own business. Anyway work is all finished. I’m relaxing a little now. We might venture up the city to do a few little bits and to go to the cinema.

I’m not feeling so run down today which is a relief. I need to get some invoices made out soon and get some money in. To be honest though I can’t really be arsed, but having said that I do know I need to keep on top of it all otherwise I’m owed lots and won’t have good cash flow. 

My concentration has slipped. I’m not doing morning ritual or evening either. I’m not meditating. I’m not sure if this is because I’m so tired and worn out from work or not. I need time off. Luckily I took the time to do the retreat a few weeks back or I’d be even worse now. I’m coming down with a cold too, so I know I need the rest. I’m going to try to get finished as early as possible today. It might still be 4-5pm though. Who knows.

Tomorrow we need to go back up to the city to do some more Christmas shopping. If it wasn’t for having children then I really wouldn’t bother too much about Christmas. I’m not being mean or grumpy it’s just that I don’t like how it’s all about spending money on people rather than spending time with people. There’s too much pressure placed on buying things now. I’m sure I’m sounding old and grumpy but it really does seem that way.  I might draw some money out of the bank tomorrow and give to some homeless people so they can maybe get a bed and breakfast tomorrow night. Last year I gave a homeless couple money to be able to do that. I’m not sure if I do it to feel good myself, if I do it to help them or just to do it to try to help. Sometimes the world sickens me because of poverty, homelessness and hunger but at other times I seesuch beauty in our world. I guess mostly I try to see its beauty. It’s when I’m too tired that the ugliness creeps in.