I have realised that I have no feelings about christmas. I used to get excited about it but yesterday seemed like just another day, albeit one where lots of money had been spent in the run up to it. I used to start getting excited 3 weeks before. Mostly I’ve felt tired. Tired of work and tired of the stress of life. I’m not being cynical. I think I have just come to a realisation that each day is just a day. It started on my birthday I think, I turned 40 this year, but maybe before that. I think I’ve felt some kind of disappointment about my birthday and also about life to a degree. I think it has built up over the past few years. I got 4 birthday cards for my birthday, neither of my stepdaughters sent me one. Maybe that says a lot. Maybe I am getting cynical or maybe I’m seeing the world as it really is. Maybe there isn’t all that much feeling in the world, real feeling. Maybe the world just is. Anyway the deeper I go into understanding myself and my spirituality the more I can see the extremes of polarity in the world. Maybe for now my joy has been sucked out of me. Maybe I too have allowed myself to slide from balance to one polarity. Anyway I feel disappointment. Probably disappointment in myself more than others. I’m certainly not relaxed. Not at the moment. It’s a good thing that I did my 5 day retreat otherwise I might be in a deep hole.

  Christmas to me has become out of my hands and stressful for several reasons. I’ve not been fully relaxed since my retreat. I’ve ended up working bloody hard up until Tuesday night, I’m like a coiled spring and tomorrow we go to London for a few days. I don’t usualy unwind until after Boxing Day but it will be after we get back from London that I can start to unwind now. My wife will no doubt read this and think I’m being selfish. If so then that’s up to her and that’s her opinion. Other than my retreat and bank holidays I’ve not had time off work since last Christmas of 2013 and if you include all of the Saturdays I’ve worked it nullifies those days off too.

I need to unwind and relax fully. I’m starting to get narrowed views and feel negative. Enough for now. 

I finished work yesterday for Christmas until 5th January woo hoo. I worked 3 days more than I had hoped to buy I huessthats how it can be running ones own business. Anyway work is all finished. I’m relaxing a little now. We might venture up the city to do a few little bits and to go to the cinema.

I’m not feeling so run down today which is a relief. I need to get some invoices made out soon and get some money in. To be honest though I can’t really be arsed, but having said that I do know I need to keep on top of it all otherwise I’m owed lots and won’t have good cash flow. 

My concentration has slipped. I’m not doing morning ritual or evening either. I’m not meditating. I’m not sure if this is because I’m so tired and worn out from work or not. I need time off. Luckily I took the time to do the retreat a few weeks back or I’d be even worse now. I’m coming down with a cold too, so I know I need the rest. I’m going to try to get finished as early as possible today. It might still be 4-5pm though. Who knows.

Tomorrow we need to go back up to the city to do some more Christmas shopping. If it wasn’t for having children then I really wouldn’t bother too much about Christmas. I’m not being mean or grumpy it’s just that I don’t like how it’s all about spending money on people rather than spending time with people. There’s too much pressure placed on buying things now. I’m sure I’m sounding old and grumpy but it really does seem that way.  I might draw some money out of the bank tomorrow and give to some homeless people so they can maybe get a bed and breakfast tomorrow night. Last year I gave a homeless couple money to be able to do that. I’m not sure if I do it to feel good myself, if I do it to help them or just to do it to try to help. Sometimes the world sickens me because of poverty, homelessness and hunger but at other times I seesuch beauty in our world. I guess mostly I try to see its beauty. It’s when I’m too tired that the ugliness creeps in. 

I woke up earlier this morning from dreaming with slight anxiety. I used a breathing technique to calm myself a little. I’m anxious because I want to get finished for Christmas but still have work to do. I thought it’d be an easy lead up to christmasthis year too! Oh well all I can do is all I can do.  I’ll try getting one job finished today with only a small job to do tomorrow. I also need to arrange for some help after Christmas. 

I’ve realised I’ve not posted every day for a little while. I must make a point of doing it because I don’t want this to be another thing that falls by the wayside. It’s not always easy thought, keeping on top of things. I’m struggling mentally at the moment with work. I had hoped to finish for Christmas on Friday but I worked almost 6 hours yesterday and will work tomorrow and probably most of Tuesday. I’m feeling a bit burnt out and I fear being to tired over the holidays. We have Christmas day here, Boxing Day at my mother in laws then on the Saturday we go to London for a few days. I must relax and I must get on top of my sleep and my circadian rhythms again. Being tired is REALLY affecting me and I’m getting a head cold. Oh well. 

Last night I was reading a book about enlightenment through kundalini by Tara Springett, I’m really enjoying her books, and I entered a kind of trance/dream state. I was being given teachings and initiations by a Tibetan lama. I dreamt I was shown breathing techniques too and I was in Tibet in the Himalayas. A friend has told me about Tibetan dream yoga tonight and it makes sense. I’ve found some pdf books about dream yoga to read along with all of my others books!    I’m feeling pretty good in myself and I’m quite impressed with how I had a realisation this afternoon at work. I was tired and had decided to work late but changed my mind and left work at a normal time. A year or two ago I would of bought chocolate, energy drinks and sweets to prop me up and would of carried on. Then after a few days of doing that I’d crash and feel tired and grumpy if not ill.  Anyway I realised I should go home and not work late. I’m going to have to work Saturday anyway regardless so I might as well be feeling pretty ok and ready to unwind before Christmas duties.  I’m looking forwards to some time off work and also going to stay at my step daughters in London after Boxing Day. 

Today has been a busy, good, productive day. I’ve tried to remain reasonably present but not always. I need to relax a little more too when at work, although I’ve not hurried either so it’s all good. Work is enjoyable at the minute. Most things are to be honest.  I’m punishing myself far far less too. It’s almost nonexistent. 

 I tried to practice a new piece of drumming tonight and managed half of it. It is pretty tricky to me at the minute but I’ve only had 5 lessons so far. I’m learning  16 th’s.    

I’m doing breathing exercises in the morning along with preliminary Tummo practice too. I’m not doing the twice daily rituals like I was before going on retreat. I do feel however that the rituals helped balance me. I think I’ll start doing the kabbalistic cross and lesser banishing ritual of the pentagram again from tomorrow morning. 

I’m really tired.  I’m looking forwards to a break from work soon. I’m not looking forwards to the usual Christmas stress though. Sometimes I wish it was all a bit easier. My concentration is down a little bit at the moment. I know it will come back though. Most things are pretty good though. I’m just tired. 

Yesterday and today we went to the City. It never ceases to amaze me how crazy and nuts people are especially when it comes to Christmas and Christmas shopping. They just seem to be buying stuff. Stuff that’s not needed and without much thought. Pure craziness. We live in a world that’s nuts, that’s on its head. Anyway Christmas is creeping upon us once again. A day. One day. At least most people start to be kinder for a while. I sound cynical. I’m not, I’m just saying what I see. Kindness is so important in the world we live in. We all need to care more for ourselves and for others. To be more open to helping other humans and animals and our home planet.  

 I’m tired and my concentration isn’t 100% today but that’s ok because I’m a bit tired.  Good news is my drumming is going well.  

I’m feeling good and it’s a good feeling. It’s funny how life can be sometimes. I find it hard to put things down in words sometimes, especially if I’m feeling good. Life seems to be just right at the moment. Balance is good. Long may it last.  I reading a couple of books by Tara Springett at the minute. One on manifesting and one on enlightenment through the kundalini. Both are very good and I highly recommend he writings. She has studied Tibetan Buddhism which is something that resonates with me.  I think in doing well because I’ve got some good focus and my holy guardian angel is guiding me well.