What is sanity? Who is truly sane? What defines a mental illness? What defines normal thinking or thoughts? Where is the cut off point from sane to insane?
I’m feeling exceptionally good after time out from the world. I’m pretty calm and collected. Things are good. Life is good. In fact life is beautiful. I’ve not been high for a while now, which is surprising and good, and I’m not missing it either to be truthful. I’m enjoying feeling good and feeling myself again. I’ve realised I should look at ways of helping others, although I’m sure the way will show itself to me. If like to help others and to maybe teach too. Life’s good.
I’ve been back from the retreat for 2 days now and I’ve almost settled back into the insanity that we call normal reality. I don’t think I will ever be fully the same again because having time alone to reflect fully upon my life journey has changed me and how I see things. I’m always going to be who I am and that is something I’ve come to realise. However much I change I’m still me. I will always be me, always questioning myself and questioning life and it’s beauty.
While there I kind of decided to fast for 24 hours and stay awake for 24 hours to prepare myself for contact with my Holy Guardian Angel. After contemplation though I realised it was just myself putting conditions upon myself. In the end I told the HGA that I was there and ready but needed to keep to my circadian rhythms, I guess I let go at that point to allow things to happen naturally. I ate that evening and went to bed as normal. It was the next morning after a ritual that it happened. I sat down, relaxed and used a Native American technique which involves controlled breathing and relaxed body and mind with focus. Then it naturally flowed with ease.
Having gained the knowledge and conversation with my Holy Guardian Angel is a truly remarkable thing but at the same time it’s just another step along my path. I had previously had this experiential happening about 14-15 years ago but didn’t fully understand how or why it had happened. This time I had put in several months of predatory ritual practice. After having attained it again I’m ready to move along more and further upon my path. Maybe I should become a teacher of life’s Mysteries. It was suggested to me on Friday that if make a good teacher or guide and a good counsellor by two separate people. Maybe I will. I’m certainly open to it far more than I’ve ever been before. I have helped a few people out with advice and counsel in the past. I could also help others to gain contact with their own HGA.
I am feeling good. Life’s good. I got back from my retreat yesterday, which was really nice. Before I left I had a chat with the woman who owns it, she’s going through some personal difficulties at the moment, and she said I should become a spiritual teacher. That was very nice to hear and I was pleased I could help her and offer some words. I achieved my goals or hopes on the retreat, but it took a little longer to unwind once there than I had thought it might, but that’s good. I also called in on a customer yesterday to look at some work and ended up sitting with her and chatting deeply too. Again it was nice to be able to help, she said I sounded like a counsellor. Maybe I could help others a little. Maybe my new understanding will help steer me onwards.
It was interesting to note that I can relax fully and I can allow pure awareness to come through with my mind, it’s the minds natural state, and relax fully. On Thursday I even noticed how being so relaxed had affected my teeth too! They feel cleaner and smoother. When brushing them now they squeak. I guess my new goals are to be more relaxed all of the time. It feels good to be relaxed.
It’s Sunday today but it’s like a Friday or Saturday for me. I worked yesterday and have just been in to clear that job up. From now until Friday afternoon I’m off work and go on solitary retreat tomorrow. I’m Mentally preparing. I’m feeling good and the high didn’t last too long. I’m taking back my mind and taking back responsibility for it. I’m in charge now.
I think I’m going up on a high. I had a trigger last night which affected me a fair bit, it really played on my mind, then my thinking started speeding up etc a fair bit. I thought I’d struggle to get up this morning but I was awake early. I had to force myself to bed at about 12:45am. I lay there on my back for awhile meditating before rolling over to go to sleep. That’s almost 3 hours later than normal. I normally go to bed at about 9:45-9:55 pm and got to sleep about 10:10-10:15 pm. That’s not so good.
I’ve got cold sores starting to form up my nostrils and my head feels different. My ears are ringing more than usual and my body temperature went up last night too. That’s often a sign. I figured the body heat was from a meditation and breathing technique I was using but I’m not sure. Maybe I’m going up or hopefully I’ve just had a mini high. I’m not sure, but luckily I’m on retreat next week so I can unwind myself. I’m Starting to feel the Christmas stress too. The pressure of spending money we don’t always have on things that aren’t needed to celebrate the birth of someone who there’s no actual evidence for in the very strict Roman record keeping system. Also if Jesus was actually born there is no definitive date of his birth. It’s more likely it was in spring rather than around the old pagan midwinter solstice/Bachinalia celebrations. The story of his life almost mimics Mithras. Anyway let’s not get into religion.
who am I? I’m not what I do to earn money. I’m not just a parent. Im not just someone who pays their bills.
Who am I?
It’s fundemental question that should be asked often. It’s a form of meditation. Strip the layers away. Strip away others projections. Strip away our parents ideals. Strip away false indoctrination. Strip it all away. Strip away our parents beliefs that were projected onto us. Keep peeling back the layers, the skins. Keep asking “who am I ?”
I’m still feeling normal. I’ve lots of work on so I guess that’s good. Luckily I’m managing it well at the moment so I’m not stressing myself out. I think stress is a huge key in triggering me. It’s been so much easier at work since getting rid of the lad who worked for me. I’ve realised how much he cost me financially and mentally. Not being rude but he wasn’t the brightest person either and towards the end I honestly think he was trying to get the sack because he was getting lazier and making foolish mistakes, mistakes I think might of been on purpose. A few small things went missing too and that’s something I never thought he would do. I guess it goes to show that you don’t alwaysknow those who work with you that well. I think the way forwards is using help when I need it. Financially things are turning around. I’m not paying a wage of nearly £900 per month for work that’s substand or that needs doing again, so I guess I’m saving time and money. Long may it last!
Things are going well. I’m looking forwards to my solitary retreat next week. I’ve not had a week off since last Christmas.
I’ve noticed that the last few days I’ve seen things. Sometimes they’re in my peripheral vision but sometimes almost direct. I’m not sure if this is because I’m not feeling 100%, if it’s because of how my mind works, stress or my rituals and magical workings. The other night I noticed a pale white wispy cloud over a book I’m reading, almost like it came out of the book itself. Maybe it did. I’ve noticed shadowy shapes too, to the side of me, mostly in ritual.
My sanity is very good and very clear at the moment. I’ve been on a good level for a while too. It almost feels like the mood and emotion swings I’ve had weren’t mine but were in a film I’d watched. I do have to keep a check on them though. I’ve had a few wobbles or glitches but other than that I’m good.
I’m thinking of investments and savings etc a fair bit lately. I’m trying to straighten out my money matters. I’ve not been able to do that for quite a while. I’m also starting to accept lots of things that have happened in my life too. I’m kind of letting them go, as much as I can, maybe they’ll creep back in at some point but for now I’m letting them go. I’ve let several people go too, which has been easy and hard all at the same time, such is life I guess.