Up early again this morning and not sure what to do at all.  My van that broke down yesterday is going to cost stupid amounts of money to get fixed that its probably not worth fixing. As usual I`m owed money and can`t afford another van either.

I really don`t know what to do right now

After having my van breakdown today my mind was all over the place and racing away trying to figure out the best solution to the issue.  I wasted most of the day getting organised with getting it recovered and taken to the garage.

Once that was organised I decided to get the punchbag and skipping rope out. What a huge relief exercise is for my mind!  I feel like I’m on a good level again now and I guess I’ll have to cope with whatever comes my way, like iI always do.

I used to bodybuild years ago and always loved the feeling in my mind and body.  In fact bodybuilding, in part, led me to using visualisation and meditation, which I honestly believe frees oneself from monkey mind of all the day to day things and also can help me to be much more present and rounded as a person.

After waking up a little earlier than usual with some anxiety I put it behind me hoping to have a good day today. The sun is shinning and the weather is really nice. Good start so far.

We picked up the materials that we needed only to arrive at the job and realize that I had forgotten something, so I got in my van to pick up what was needed only to drive a few short miles and my van overheated….I managed to get off the side of the road. I sat there thinking why? Why ? Why is it every time something starts OK it has to screw up?

Sitting there my mind started to race so much that I felt horrendous and I managed to get picked up and am now waiting for it to get recovered.  It feels like every time something goes OK or starts to  something comes along and throws me right off where I feel I should be and I can`t control my thinking at all.  It a huge struggle to keep my head above water. I`m sitting in my office having done no work as such today when it looked like a really really good day ahead. I`m waiting to get a call about the recovery of the van and Can`t slow my thinking at all. I would try to meditate but I know I`ll just end up more frustrated.  My head feels like my brain has swollen to twice its normal size and I am tense to the point of feeling like I could easily go and break something..Maybe I need to get the punchbag out later.

I wish I could write exactly how it feels to think that everything is going wrong and that it feels like you are being punished constantly.

When things are going well I feel really good, really confident and can get too confident. I start to feel immortal and I feel like I can do everything and anything in the world.

One thing that has helped me to start to get a grip on my mind is meditation, another is brain training.   I use Lumosity  everyday and subscribed to their brain training program so that I can chart my progress. I use it on my laptop and my smart phone. The games seem a little simplistic but they increase the workload as you go along and It helps me to see that I`m helping my brain too.     You can find it here   www.lumosity.com

Meditation is the biggest key to being able to calm the mind and start to try to understand oneself. I have meditated for over 20 years now and I personally think that over the last 2 years it has helped get me through some really rough times. I have tried and use varying methods from Tibetan Buddhist to Taoist ( they crossover lots) to simply sitting still and allowing things to just do what they need to whilst my body has a chance to relax and release the tension that it is under.

I sleep for almost exactly 8 hours every night. Last night it was a little less as I woke up early feeling really anxious about the day ahead. I’ve found that if I don’t go to bed when I’m tired I fall asleep on the sofa and wake up after about an hour and go to bed, but the next day it’s had a really adverse affect on how my mind functions.

Routine is really important to me and I feel so stupid at times trying to keep some routine going.

I lay awake in bed this morning trying to figure out my day ahead and what work needs to get done, but as soon as I had it figured out I realised I’d missed something out!  In the end I got up a little early and went to the toilet before doing my Qigong.

I feel much better for doing Qigong and meditating lots.  I’ve not meditated enough this last week as my mind has been in hyperdrive going millions of mph!  I guess I have far more high times than lows but when I drop a little I then seem to crash hard.

7:07am

I’ve just meditated and feel slightly human now.  I’m nuts getting started with writing this blog and am still finding my feet and still wondering how much to share or how much to say.

I’ve suffered lots of anxiety in the last few years and late 2012 into early2013 I had a few very paranoid episodes.

I’ve also wondered if my wife has munchausen by proxy and that I’m very normal and my feelings are a projection of her.  That’s just crazy on my behalf, but until I spoke about it I believed it could easily be true.

I guess my mind is starting to do overtime again.  It just keeps churning away at things.  Meditation and Qigong do help me quieten it though.

I’ve been vegetarian for over 8 months now and alcohol and coffee free for about as long. It’s had quite an impact on how I can deal with things in life. Stress doesn’t hit me like it used to. Although it does still affect me very adversely.

I do still struggle with racing thoughts. I don’t get as angry though, well I don’t think I do. I can be very demanding on myself and on those working with me. I have started exercising again too which coupled with a good diet does ease things a little.

My mind seems to of slowed as the day has gone on. At times my mind can jump from one subject to several others in what seems like a split second. I have described the speed of my mind as being like how Sherlock Holmes’ mind flies through things, how funny that today I read that the character of Holmes was very probably bipolar.

At times i get caught up in things. I call it passion, others call it obsessiveness. I guess that’s all part of being me. The struggles I have daily with myself, the times when I’m so super confident that others draw energy off me too are all part of what goes on inside.

Hi,   I decided to start this blog to see where it leads me. I am a builder and very probably bipolar. I`m hoping to learn more about bipolar disorder and also post my views of my life and life in general, my thoughts on my life and exactly how I`m feeling.

Life can be tough for any of us, let alone when we are facing mental health issues as well as the daily grind of life.

Lets see where life takes us