I got up early again. I got out of bed at 6am but had been awake for almost half an hour. Qigong at 6:30 for about 10 minutes and then some skipping until just now.  I’m still feeling super good. I’ve lots of work I want to get through today.  I must remember not to be disappointed if I don’t achieve it all, in fact I’d rather finish on time than late.

i have a young lad who works for me.  I hope he hasn’t been drinking too much over the weekend as that really affects his work and how fast he does things, which in turn makes me edgy as I know how much I can get done if I’m working alone.  If I get edgy it affects him and he gets slower or makes mistakes and then we get a spiral.

The sun is looking like it will be warm today.  I’ve done about 1 minute of sungazing this morning too.

Right lets get today started!

Today has been a really beautiful day here. It’s been really warm for early march. Almost 20*c

its been a good day and I feel really good. In fact I’m feeling pretty immortal right now.  I’ve just done a little skipping and had to stop myself as I felt really really good, I then had a quick spurt at the punchbag with bare fists. It wasn’t even hanging up, it was just leaning against a sofa. It felt good, but I felt a bit aggressive too, so I’ve stopped and sat down.  I think I need to get my weights and equipment back from my dads house soon and start working out again.

I guess I’ll have to get in contact with him again. I’ve not spoken to him for over 9 months after a falling out.  Maybe I need to sort my differences out with him.  Maybe I don’t too.  Maybe I will just contact him and get my stuff back….

It’s now 9:32 am on the 9th March

Ive just realised that I am looking forwards to my working week ahead and am almost a little excited. I’ve not felt like this for quite some time now, possibly since before Christmas. I have lots of work booked in and am always busy but at times am completely uninspired to do more than is necessary to get by.  I’m also a little nervous/anxious that I will wake up tomorrow and not feel so good. Usually I wake up quite anxious on a Monday about work.  I think I need to try to just enjoy today and face tomorrow when it comes. Maybe I need to write down a list of what needs to be done day by day next week and work through it bit by bit.

Sunday 9th March

I am actually feeling pretty normal, quite human. I am actually very present and lucid in myself.  I feel like I have some good energy returning and I can use that good energy to good effect right now in my life.

I did`nt go to sleep until almost 1 am but still got up before 7 am this morning. I have had lots of energy lately and have been using some of it up skipping and on the punchbag to release it a little.

I have just been outside practicing some Qigong and had a few things become clearer to me.   I have realised that I am still dealing with emotions from when my Mum died 6 years ago. In fact I would say that I am still dealing with emotions from when I was 6 and she left my dad and myself. They say that time heals all wounds, but thats not fully true in my opinion. I would say time helps to subdue those feelings and can help others think that you are OK when in fact you still have to deal with those things from time to time. Sometimes on a daily basis for a while until they sink back down.

I find that when I can clear my mind and focus a little it helps to bring other things back into clarity and that helps for a while.  I am trying to be able to partially control how my moods can swing.  They can swing several times on a daily basis, I have Cyclothymia, and I have found that through meditating lots,  doing Qigong and trying very hard to live mindfully I can sometimes realise when I am either being very moody or very high/hyper, not always but at times.

Lets see what today brings forth.

Why do people try to hack websites? What is there to gain by it?  Someone tried hacking into here earlier. Why?  Do my ramblings need hacking, are they so different?

Today has been a low ish day.  Yesterday I thought I would take some St Johns Wort which I made myself using Spagyrics.  Afterwards I read how it’s not advisable to do so at all.  I got up as usual this morning but without much get up and go. I had to force myself to do some Qigong and meditation, I wasn’t very present at all, I would say I’m only now geeky reasonably present and its 7:27pm here.

each day is a different day and each day is a new day.  Onwards and upwards I guess. There’s certainly no going back.

I feel like every time I go forwards a little a big hill gets in the way. Is it really worth the effort to keep pushing forwards? Is there another way to go about it all?  Why does it always have to be such a drain?

I`ve been on the go all day going fast trying to get lots of things done. I think I felt a little high today too. I skipped twice this morning and then again a short while ago after getting home from work.  I felt that I had a little energy that I needed to use up to be able to settle down. I feel a little tired now but I`ve still got lots of get up and go!

What will tomorrow bring?  I guess I will need to wait and see how my energy levels are. I certainly feel like I`m on the rise again…

I also feel much more myself than I have for quite a while. I don`t think I had realised how low I had felt until I have started coming out of it. I know my thoughts were still going a thousand miles per hour even though I felt low. I also felt really really negative too, maybe more than I dare to type here just yet. Maybe another time when I feel really good I will not be afraid to share how low my thinking can get and my thoughts too.

Life is very rich and beautiful in so many ways but yet so hard in others. I find I am always trying to get a balance, but never quite getting there.  In the past my family would be a priority but work would suffer or vice versa, never a balance, ever. Maybe I will never get there and that is something I will just have to face and live with.

I have known for a long while that my thinking is different but until really recently I had not realised how different. I assumed everyone had the same way of thinking and the same kind of thoughts!

I woke up about 5:30 again this morning. I feel like now we are heading into spring my body is coming fully alive again. I think I may be very in tune with the cycles of the seasons as well as everything else.   I know that I can get a little manic anytime of the year.   I have just done 2 skipping sessions and Qigong and meditation to help settle all the energy that I have flowing now, otherwise I think I might go a little potty.

I am still yet to start a diary of my day to day life as I can`t decide if I need a proper diary or if just an A4 note pad will do, too indecisive! I guess it will happen when it happens.

I am again  feeling pretty present this morning, much like yesterday, although yesterday my day tailed right off.  I am having some minor memory loss but I think it is coming back a bit again. I usually have an excellent memory.

Who knows where we are headed in life.

I woke up this morning at 5:30am and just lay there until I got up at 6:10.  I checked emails, then went outside and did some Qigong and meditation even though it is a little frosty.

I`m feeling good. Very good. In fact I`m feeling very productive today and am rearing to go and crack on with the day ahead.  I do have a slight reservation though. I know that if something goes a little wrong I could either crash or I can pass it off quickly and move forwards. Both worry me slightly because if I crash from it I will feel setback, but if I pass it off I know I will feel much better and more confident and that my confidence and my ego too will inflate and could take me higher. I think I will try to keep the confidence going and the energy flowing because I need to get through some serious amounts of work to get money in.  I feel that I`m a little more in control now I don`t drink coffee or eat anything sugary as they would send me higher than a rocket and I used to use them as a crutch to elevate my work levels. Hopefully now when I get tired I know I`m getting tired and start to back off a little.  Little steps.  I want to do some punchbag work and skipping when I get home later so I can burn any excess energy off.

I’ve not written since Friday.

Yesterday it took until 1:06pm until I realised I actually felt quite present. The morning head spent with racing thoughts, at times quite aggressive thoughts, thoughts of feeling down and feeling a little like a victim too.

I’ve realised that when I am very present I feel how I imagine most people feel most of the time, human.  When I’m feeling good I feel superhuman, when I’m feeling down I feel like the scum of the earth and worthless. I liken this to high ritual magic and the seeking of conversation with ones holy guardian angel.

what is it to feel human or for that matter to be human?

I’be been a vegetarian for over 8 months, almost vegan, coffee free and alcohol free for that long too. I think that has helped me start to come to terms with how my mind is slightly different.  I feel like I have more control now too, to a degree.  Meditation and Qigong have helped hugely.  I’ve meditated for years and years now. The more I meditate the more I start to understand myself.  I seek enlightenment in this life too.  Maybe by understanding myself much more I get much closer to it.

life never ceases to amaze me in both respects.