who am I?   I’m not what I do to earn money. I’m not just a parent. Im not just someone who pays their bills.      

Who am I?  

 It’s fundemental question that should be asked often. It’s a form of meditation. Strip the layers away. Strip away others projections. Strip away our parents ideals. Strip away false indoctrination. Strip it all away. Strip away our parents beliefs that were projected onto us. Keep peeling back the layers, the skins. Keep asking “who am I ?”

I’m still feeling normal. I’ve lots of work on so I guess that’s good. Luckily I’m managing it well at the moment so I’m not stressing myself out. I think stress is a huge key in triggering me. It’s been so much easier at work since getting rid of the lad who worked for me. I’ve realised how much he cost me financially and mentally. Not being rude but he wasn’t the brightest person either and towards the end I honestly think he was trying to get the sack because he was getting lazier and making foolish mistakes, mistakes I think might of been on purpose. A few small things went missing too and that’s something I never thought he would do. I guess it goes to show that you don’t alwaysknow those who work with you that well. I think the way forwards is using help when I need it.   Financially things are turning around.  I’m not paying a wage of nearly £900 per month for work that’s substand or that needs doing again, so I guess I’m saving time and money. Long may it last!  

Things are going well. I’m looking forwards to my solitary retreat next week. I’ve not had a week off since last Christmas. 

I’ve noticed that the last few days I’ve seen things. Sometimes they’re in my peripheral vision but sometimes almost direct. I’m not sure if this is because I’m not feeling 100%, if it’s because of how my mind works, stress or my rituals and magical workings. The other night I noticed a pale white wispy cloud over a book I’m reading, almost like it came out of the book itself. Maybe it did. I’ve noticed shadowy shapes too, to the side of me, mostly in ritual.

My sanity is very good and very clear at the moment. I’ve been on a good level for a while too. It almost  feels like the mood and emotion swings I’ve had weren’t mine but were in a film I’d watched. I do have to keep a check on them though. I’ve had a few wobbles or glitches but other than that I’m good.  

 I’m thinking of investments and savings etc a fair bit lately. I’m trying to straighten out my money matters. I’ve not been able to do that for quite a while. I’m also starting to accept lots of things that have happened in my life too. I’m kind of letting them go, as much as I can, maybe they’ll creep back in at some point but for now I’m letting them go. I’ve let several people go too, which has been easy and hard all at the same time, such is life I guess. 

I’m not sure what time I woke up this morning but it was early. I lay in bed cat napping for a while before getting up.  My dreams were slightly strange too. I’m still not feeling 100% either. Oh well such is life.

Next week I’m off on a solitary retreat. 

Earlier today, this morning, it was me who was the grumpy person. I’m feeling better now. All is well. 

I’ve had a lay in and haven’t long been up. I’ve gotten up to a daughter stamping and sliding around the house making lots of noise with roller shades on, a son who is irritating his sister and being rude and a grumpy wife, our cockerel had been indoors crowing and had just been put outside as I was getting up. My wife thinks that I’m being grumpy. I get one lay in each week, but sometimes not that as often even get up first on a Sunday, and usually I’m woken up by all of the noise. So I guess yes I’m a little grumpy.  Bloody people. Oh and I’m not feeling 100% yet either.   Bah fucking humbug. 

I’m tired. I’ve had a lazy day today. 

I’ve woken up feeling a little unwell. My focus is a little bit all over the place, my throat is sore,  my chest is a bit phlegmatic and I feel a little weak. Mentally I’m ok so far. I get the occasional wobble but so far so good. 

It’s the start of another day. Life is good. I’ve meditated after having done my morning ritual. I have a busy day ahead. I had feared that my mood was changing the last couple of days so I took it a little easy. I’ve gone to sleep a little later than usual and woken earlier too. The last two nights my children have called me too and broke my sleep. They’ve not been feeling well. They’ve both had tonsillitis.    

It’s 7 am. What does that really mean? Are we a race of beings who constantly needs to measure things? We certainly seem to be. Seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years, decades, millennia and so on. Science looks to have measurements too. It wants to measure the universe. What does it really mean when it’s 7 am? Have we lost touch with the natural world? We work unnatural hours quite often because a clock or the time dictates it and through this we have placed a value, a monetary value, on time. Time cannot be bought back with all of the money in the world. Once time has passed its gone forever only to become a memory.

What’s a memory really? Two people remember the same events differently too. Is it simply a chemical exchange within the physical brain? Are memories really stored in the brain? What about the conc

It’s Wednesday 19th November and 40 years ago today I tore my way into this world. I’m reminded of a talk or lecture given by Alan Watts in which he says ‘imagine going to sleep and never waking up, that’s death, but imagine waking up having never gone to sleep. That’s when you were born.’  That’s something to think about isnt it, waking up having never gone to sleep? What of death? Do we just go? Do we go to sleep and never wake up? Or do we just leave our bodies and enter a new one, do we wake up having never gone to sleep as it were? Lots to ponder on.