I’m not sure what time I woke up this morning but it was early. I lay in bed cat napping for a while before getting up.  My dreams were slightly strange too. I’m still not feeling 100% either. Oh well such is life.

Next week I’m off on a solitary retreat. 

Earlier today, this morning, it was me who was the grumpy person. I’m feeling better now. All is well. 

I’ve had a lay in and haven’t long been up. I’ve gotten up to a daughter stamping and sliding around the house making lots of noise with roller shades on, a son who is irritating his sister and being rude and a grumpy wife, our cockerel had been indoors crowing and had just been put outside as I was getting up. My wife thinks that I’m being grumpy. I get one lay in each week, but sometimes not that as often even get up first on a Sunday, and usually I’m woken up by all of the noise. So I guess yes I’m a little grumpy.  Bloody people. Oh and I’m not feeling 100% yet either.   Bah fucking humbug. 

I’m tired. I’ve had a lazy day today. 

I’ve woken up feeling a little unwell. My focus is a little bit all over the place, my throat is sore,  my chest is a bit phlegmatic and I feel a little weak. Mentally I’m ok so far. I get the occasional wobble but so far so good. 

It’s the start of another day. Life is good. I’ve meditated after having done my morning ritual. I have a busy day ahead. I had feared that my mood was changing the last couple of days so I took it a little easy. I’ve gone to sleep a little later than usual and woken earlier too. The last two nights my children have called me too and broke my sleep. They’ve not been feeling well. They’ve both had tonsillitis.    

It’s 7 am. What does that really mean? Are we a race of beings who constantly needs to measure things? We certainly seem to be. Seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years, decades, millennia and so on. Science looks to have measurements too. It wants to measure the universe. What does it really mean when it’s 7 am? Have we lost touch with the natural world? We work unnatural hours quite often because a clock or the time dictates it and through this we have placed a value, a monetary value, on time. Time cannot be bought back with all of the money in the world. Once time has passed its gone forever only to become a memory.

What’s a memory really? Two people remember the same events differently too. Is it simply a chemical exchange within the physical brain? Are memories really stored in the brain? What about the conc

It’s Wednesday 19th November and 40 years ago today I tore my way into this world. I’m reminded of a talk or lecture given by Alan Watts in which he says ‘imagine going to sleep and never waking up, that’s death, but imagine waking up having never gone to sleep. That’s when you were born.’  That’s something to think about isnt it, waking up having never gone to sleep? What of death? Do we just go? Do we go to sleep and never wake up? Or do we just leave our bodies and enter a new one, do we wake up having never gone to sleep as it were? Lots to ponder on.  

I feel pretty calm this morning but I awoke earlier than usual. My alarm clock isn’t set to go of but it makes a gentle ‘click’ noise at about 6 am when the hands align with where the alarm hand is. Normally I’m asleep then but this morning I was awake a bit before that. I lay in bed quietly relaxing for a short while before getting up.

I’ve realised I got a little high last night. I had a drumming lesson and really enjoyed it but I sense I went a little high. It affected my ritual last night through lack of concentration, so I cut it short.  I came in and went to bed and read for a short while before carrying on with my ritual in a medicine state in bed, in the astral if you like. My wife was watching something on her iPad in bed, normally she would be asleep, and that too affected me. The noise and voices from it seemed extra loud. I felt hyper sensitive to it. I must keep a close eye on myself and listen out for any changes in my moods.  I have a slight idea what might of affected me but its work related. The last few days of last week I had headaches when I got home, well yesterday I noticed and heard that upstairs where I’m working there are electric devices to repel mice and bats. They should be beyond our hearing frequency but I could hear one of them at least. I think I’ll turn them off today and see how it goes. I was working right beside them. If I’m right it could be a big relief to my head but also it’ll be interesting to think how many other electric devices might affect people’s moods. We are surrounded by electricity fields of energy all the time, radio waves too. I’d better not think about that too much for now.

It’s Monday morning and I’m rearing to go. I’m feeling pretty good. I need to get a plan of action in place for the next two weeks but that’s easy enough. I’ll know more after today though. Things are moving into a better place for me. Work is much more manageable and I’m telling customers how busy I am and being realistic. They seem happy enough with that too. I guess if they can’t wait they will use someone else. In the past that would of got to me and I would of worked myself into illness trying to keep everyone happy. I can’t do that anymore because it affects me for weeks or months or longer still. I need to be at my best for everyone, myself included. I’m almost 40,  in 2 days time,  and I have to take my mental health seriously now and my business too. I’m even starting to get interested in investments and savings…I must be getting older! Looking after my future is also looking after my family’s future too.        

It’s often this time of year that I get extremely anxious and overworked. Often I used to start drinking more coffee and energy drinks too as well as eating chocolate bars and sweets to spike my energy to get me through. I’ll not do that again because the crash afterwards has always lead to physical and mental illness.  It’s fruit tea and good rest for me now. 

Yesterday I had a trigger which I didn’t even realise until later last night. Early yesterday afternoon we went to a craft fair and saw friends there who I hadn’t seen for a year or so. It was strange but I didn’t realise that it might be a trigger. The craft fair was in a small village hall. The first time I went to go in with my wife I backed out and said I’d stay outside with the children, who were playing outside on the play area. I said I didn’t want to pay £1.50 to go in,  which was a bit of an excuse. It looked crowded and it made me feel a little edgy to say the least. I went back outside to the children but after a while they argued a bit and I said we should go in and find their mum.  Once in the hall it wasn’t as bad as I thought. I saw our friends and my son and I had a chat with the guy who we are friendly with. He’s a black smith and had a stall there, my son is interested in being a black smith too. All was ok but the guy said I looked well. I said I’d been working out again etc. The conversation went on a bit more. He said something like ‘well you’re alright you’re still standing’.  I think he knows I’ve had some issues at work but I’m not sure if he knows about my issues I’ve had with my mind. I didn’t quite know what to say.  Should I say about my mind or not?  Should I ask if he knew because some people don’t like to know about stuff like that. Anyway I knd of tied myself up in knots over it a bit with not knowing.  

    When we got home we were all a little tired but even so I felt edgy and moody. I felt silly for feeling moody which didn’t help then my thoughts started racing with paranoid thoughts. It took a while to straighten out. I’m just shocked it had or has affected me as much as it did. I guess that’s the nature of it.  My instinct was saying not to go there. In a way I wish I’d of taken notice but in another way I’m glad I didn’t because I now know that unexpected things can trigger me off and I can deal with them after a short few hours. A few hours dealing with them is ok by me considering before now I’ve taken days or weeks. I’ve also realised my biggest trigger, possibly what really started everything coming out, was my mums illness and then her death. That’s something I’m still dealing with even now.  I avoid people who remind me of her or who also affected me following her death through their actions. It’s meant I’ve cut people out and I’m not sure if that is good or bad because am I looking after myself by cutting them out or am I avoiding dealing with things? It’s all a journey I guess. It’s all part of who I am right now and where I’m at but it doesn’t mean I can’t change it when I want to.  

   I’ve been reading about how we have set points in our minds in life. I’ve realised that I’ve built upon mine the last few years and all my life in some ways. A set point is where our subconscious feels we shouldn’t go past. It can be any level of life from how far up one feels that they should go in a work setting or any setting in life. If someone from a working class background exceeds the social limits that are normally subconsciously placed on them then they’ve moved their set point. If a person feels they shouldn’t go for a promotion at work because it’s ‘above’ them then they’ve found a set point. We all make excuses for all number of things. Some say that they’re not materialistic so they kind of plod through life, which is more than fine as long as they’re happy, but still live within the consumer world. True non materialism could be seen as being a monk or nun or a wanderer of no fixed abode. We all have set points and some are there for the greater good. Imagine if every time someone annoyed is and we acted violently towards them, that wouldn’t be good. So it’s good to have certain set points, but it’s also good to try to be aware of those subconscious set points that might hold us back from doing what we really want to. I mean how many doctors had parents who were doctors? Or teachers who’s parents were teachers? My father was a builder and my grandfather on my mums side too! I never wanted to be a builder. I wanted to be a professional bodybuilder but I likited myself and couldn’t break my set point with certain things to do with bodybuilding, one of which was I wouldn’t take steroids. I’m just glad I’m reaching a level in life now where, mostly, I’m not afraid to deal with things and I’m starting to realise how much I restrict myself.  It’s like an opportunity where one man sees how it can go wrong badly but another sees how to make it work really well by weighing up everything including the downsides. Life is there to be lived but also understood and understanding oneself fully takes a LOT of work and a lot of self honesty and self discovery.  It’s always ongoing too because we change our barriers the more we move forwards.  Once started its a great ongoing journey with moments of bliss and fear too but everything usually hasa way of working out.  

The last Few days I’ve sat down to write this blog and have wondered what I will write and how I feel and have thought I’d struggle to put anything down but I think that has actually helped me to open up even more. I could of just not written anything but I decided to make the effort and to push myself. I don’t think I’ve ever written as much before, certainly not since high school, but it’s helping me to open myself and my mind up even more. I guess I’m getting some confidence for life back. I’m certainly getting back in a good place mentally and business wise too which is a huge relief! Long may it last and long may my journey continue onwards and upwards. I think I’m going to live a very long life.

                   As above, so below.  

                           I am that I am