It’s Sunday. I’m quite relaxed too but I’m questioning life. Sometimes it can suck badly. Sometimes it’s beautiful. Yesterday I had a busy day looking at work but it got stressful. Whilst driving back from one of my meetings my van went wrong. It’s almost 12 months ago that the cam belt broke on it. This time it sounds like the engine again too! I’m just at a loss as to what to do. Do I spend money looking at getting it fixed, if it can be fixed, or do I throw it away. I thought things were going ok so far this year. I’ve got lots of work on. I’m just at a loss about it all. I could feel like I’m being punished and maybe I do feel that a little like that because it has sprung to mind. It’s that typical situation of money being a little tight and also I had just filled the van up with diesel the night before too! I bought the van 15 months ago for £1800 and in total including buying it I’ve spent about £4400 to date! I bought it cheap so that I could save up to get a decent van… That never happened because I had to spend money on it. Oh well. Nose to the grind stone all year again to try to get out of whatever debt it’s going to cost me to either fix this one or buy another!
Oh well rant over. At least my tax is less than I had thought it might be. I’m still surprised that I don’t feel too pissed off. Maybe I can see that it’s just one of those things that can happen. Maybe I will do some serious soul searching and I’ll come through even better. However much I get knocked down I get back up and keep going forwards. I guess that’s all I can do really.
It’s Saturday morning and I had a lay in until almost 7:30. I’m not feeling anxious today or not noticeably. Yesterday at work went well and I finished about 3:15pm. All of the hard work earlier in the week paid off. The rooms are almost finished apart from wall papering and some snags. Phew! I’ve not earned what I would normally earn but that happens sometimes. At other times I earn good money.
I’m glad that I’m feeling relaxed and that there’s no noticable anxiety either. Today I have to go out and meet with a few customers and look at work. I’m looking forwards to the year ahead because I’ve got a feeling that it’s going to be a good year. It’s certainly been a very busy start so far!
It’s been a busy week this last week and I finally think I’m getting on top of it all. I’m still slightly anxious and I still woke up early too. I don’t like feeling like this. Maybe I should buy some flower essence like rescue remedy.
I’m struggling to meditate these last few days. I’m torn over it too because meditation can release more kundalini which can cause more issues but meditation can also release the anxiety and help to calm me right down. Since coming to realise this I don’t beat myself up if I can’t meditate. I’ve also realised that sometimes we need a break from meditation to help the rest of our body and mind to catch up with itself.
I’m hoping today goes well and is a nice relaxing day. I’m not putting any stress on myself. I’ve tried not to all week and it’s helped. I feel like my mind is slowly starting to slow down again. My thoughts have been racing all week but because I’ve been as mentally calm as I can be it’s not been too much of an issue. Being aware that I can get like this and get through this each time really helps. The past year has been almost a verticle learning curve. Each time I get a high, low or mixed I realise much more about myself afterwards. All I can do is be kind to myself and be patient. I’ve realised that doing the kabbalistic cross helps control things too and I’ve not been doing that. I guess I’ve got plenty to do again.
It’s Thursday already. My stomach is a little unsettled and was yesterday too. I think I’m stressing myself out a bit. I woke early again but didn’t get straight up. My throat feels dry too. Hopefully it won’t get sore. I’m still feeling some anxiety. I’m not sure why either. Oh well all I can do is knuckle down and get on with things. I need to get lots done today at work. I might work back a little later tonight to get a bit ahead. I’ll see how the day goes. I don’t want to burn out but I also don’t want to get behind.
I’m not sure where my mood is headed. It’s a roller coaster at times that’s for sure! I guess I’ll just buckle up and try to enjoy the ride. Not that it’s enjoyable all of the time either!
Sometimes I feel like I’m not me. I feel like I’m playing a character in a game or I’m acting in a film. I’m not sure why either. I’m not sure if I am or not. Maybe I am. Maybe this is all just a game really. All just a big virtual reality and when death happens we take off the helmet or mask and wake up in the true reality. Maybe it is like that but each time we die/wake up it’s just another game to be played. Maybe this is what samsara really is, this perpetual loop. Maybe enlightenment is when we break that cycle. When the game is over in the truest sense.
I woke early again this morning but instead of just laying there I decided to get up. I’m still a little anxious and I’m not sure why. I had a deadline at work to get a job finished but that’s now been increased by at least a day. Hopefully we won’t need the extra day but it’s good to have it.
There’s lots I want to get done today at work and I’ll maybe go in a little bit earlier. I know that once there my anxiety eases a little. Normally I have things worked out in my mind as to how I want them to be done and at times I’ll write a list so I can cross things off. I think I’ll do that today. It’ll help ease my mind lots.
I did my VAT last night and it didn’t take so long. I’m glad it didn’t. I need to file my paperwork more often than I do so that it’s easier still. Also I’ve realised if I put more diesel in my van each time then I’ll have fewer receipts to log down. The less there is to log down the quicker and easier the VAT will be.
I’m glad I got up early this morning because I can meditate and read. I’m back to reading Tibetan Buddhism. To me it’s the best form of spirituality and understanding.
I had a good nights sleep last night but I’m very slightly anxious this morning. I know I’ll feel better once I get to work and get going but I’m fearful that I’m headed for a mood change. I need to relax myself fully. I’ll meditate a little bit soon. I’m wondering if I’m a little anxious because I have a deadline at work to meet. It’s not going to be hard to meet it but I’m concious of it. Ive also noticed that my anxiety is affecting my stomach too. It’s tying itself in knots. It’s at times like these I wish I could retire from work! I will just have to relax myself more.
I had thought I’d gotten on top of all of this. I’m questioning if writing and thinking about it accentuates it even more. I’m still yet to delete my Facebook again. I’m going to do it once I’ve finished writing this. It certainly doesn’t help my mind. Something else I thought of yesterday and have just remembered is that in just over a month it is the anniversary of my mums death and usualy I get a physical illness around that time, maybe it is brought on by my state of mind leading up to that date. I’ll keep an eye on it all and see.
I woke up this morning feeling very anxious. I’d go as far as to say the anxiety woke me up. I felt slightly paniced about work. Maybe more than slightly. My dreams were slightly odd too. Maybe one caused the other. I don’t want to slip away again. I’m enjoying the normal feelings I’ve been having. As much as I enjoy being high when high I really don’t want to go there again. My thinking has been what I consider pretty normal mostly although it was a bit racy yesterday. I don’t want the fight anymore. I’ll not fight it. I’m tired of fighting it.
I tried meditating this morning and most of what tried to crop up was thoughts about work or money. I went back on Facebook over the weekend. Maybe that’s not helped with my thoughts and my thinking. I’ll delete myself again. I am slowly mastering myself.
Things are going ok. I worked yesterday. I need to be careful not to get too tired or over worked. I had a bit of a peak today. I was fearful that I was going high. I’ll see how I am tomorrow.
I’m finally feeling good again. I did a 10 hour day at work today and things went well too. I’m looking forwards to a restful evening and good meditation before a good nights sleep too. Tomorrow will be another good day at work too. I’ve got lots of work coming in and I’ve got some help from next Tuesday onwards. Things are looking much better. I need to appreciate how good just feel normal and good actually is more often. I guess until I feel rubbish I don’t realise how lucky I am to have good health most of the time. I had feared that my mental health was slipping away from me again.
The last few days I’ve struggled physically at work and it made me struggle mentally lots. My thinking had gotten quite negative at times. I’d also allowed someone back in who I had shut out for awhile. He texted me on Monday and I replied through kindness, It’s someone I’ve been trying to help for a long while, but he’s reverted back to his negative self. He keeps going around in circles and I had hoped he would of seen it by now but he hasn’t. I guess we can all walk around in circles unknowingly at times. I have tried to steer him to the light!
Oh well I’ll keep working on myself and on loving kindness. I can use Tonglen to try to reach him remotely and help to heal him.
I worked yesterday and felt ok in myself but my stomach still isn’t right. I’ve spent lots of the night awake with it grumbling away and with bloating etc. It’s still not right since Saturday night and it’s still unsettled. I’m back in bed for no wand will hopefully go in to work later.