As I lay in bed last night meditating before going to sleep I had a kind of mini life assessment. I’ve realised that quite often when I feel ok I start to question life and feelings. One thing that cropped up was how I can feel like life is flashing past and that I’m walking a tight rope whilst being pushed and pulled all ways and barely just managing to stay on the rope. Maybe an elastic rope might be a better description of it because it moves and twists and bounces. I’m quite internal and introspective at the moment too.  I feel like life is jenga and I’m balanced on the top with the wooden pinches moving under me and it could all topple at any moment but somehow I’m still standing and still balancing. Maybe I’m balancing because I’ve learnt to become supple like a sapling instead of rigid like an old oak tree. Anyway it’s a feeling of ‘my fingers are in my ears and I’m not listening. La la la la la la’.  Although feeling these things I do still feel quite in control too. In control to a certain degree that is. I guess rock climbers have to cling on with just their finger tips sometimes before climbing higher and getting a good hold with both feet planted firmly and assessing things before moving further upwards.    

Work is good at the minute and it’s quite busy too which is fantastic but also I fear loosing control of it all too. Such silly fears. How silly. How foolish to fear things. Life is just life. Sometimes I wish I could just relax and allow life to flow. Maybe it does but I get caught up in trying to live it and be it. Maybe I’m too harsh on myself.    

It’s at times like this I wonder about going back on the bipolar forum. A few times I’ve started to write the email to ask to be reinstated but something always stops me. I think it’s my higher self chiming in and reminding me that I’ll only get caught up or addicted to it. So for now I stay clear, but I do wonder how lots of the people on there are feeling or doing but my highest priority has to be myself. I mustn’t get caught up in others too much really but at the same time they feel what I feel. They understand it too. I guess I don’t want to get addicted to it and that would side track me from work because of obsessive patterns. Maybe I’m breaking those patterns. Maybe I am moving forwards and getting a handle on my moods swings and shifts. I really hope so.

It’s already Tuesday and I didn’t write yesterday, naughty me. Yesterday I felt good when I got up and had no anxiety and it was supposed to be black Monday yesterday too! I’m feeling good again this morning too. Maybe it’s because I’ve started working out again. That always helps because it releases endorphins.  

I was really hungry and tired yesterday because I worked outside in the cold. It takes quite a few calories to keep my body working hard and heated on a cold day. I slept well too.

 I’m still having drumming lessons and I’m finding it really good because it exercises my mind and body and its learning something new which is always good. I’m learning quite fast, well I think I am anyway. I’m not sure where it’ll lead me but its teaching me quite a bit about life too. I used to fear making mistakes but in my lessons I’m happy to cock it up sometimes because it makes what I’ve learnt so far sink in more and it keeps my ego in check too. That’s always good!  

Like I said Ive started working out a bit again too. I love the feeling in my mind and body after working out and the strength gains too. I’m trying to keep myself inspired and keep my mind on this good level too. I know I can get obsessive but I’ll keep that in check a little.    

Hopefully I will get my new van today or tomorrow!  All in all things are going ok. 

I felt quite anxious last night. I stayed up a little and watched QI on tv but fell asleep before it ended. My wife was already in bed after having drunk a bottle of wine. That’s why I’d got anxious. Sometimes when she’s drinking she gets passive aggressive and can get cross or short tempered, usually shirt tempered with our daughter because she can be tricky going to bed and sleep. I’m going to talk with her today about things. I think it’s best that if she wants to have a drink that she leaves it until later in the evening. Sometimes she’s finished the bottle before 7 or 7:30. Last night it was gone before 7:45. It worries me. She sees it as ok. I know she feels she needs to unwind but sometimes how she gets upsets me but I usually keep it inside. Anyway I need to talk with her about it because often she doesn’t remember things the next day.  She treats our son better than our daughter and I know our daughter handles things better but I fear how it might affect their relationship when shes older. Maybe I think about it all too much.  

 I’m helping a bloke I know to put up a couple of tv aerials today. It sounds pretty windy out there and it rained hard last night so I’m not sure what we will do or get done. From next Saturday onwards I’m going to start working at least the morning because I’ve got so much work on and also I need to build up funds in my business so that I can take some time off this year. The last couple of years I’ve hardly had any time off or any spare money either. So later today I’m going to work out what I need to earn each month to be able to live comfortably and pay my bills plus save money too and work out how much I’d like to save so I can start to invest. I’d like to buy a second house to rent out. My wife is very cautious about it but I’ll research it well first, plus I don’t have any money to invest yet anyway. I’m going to start being more pro active. I need to take back control of my life. 

I’d hoped to get some pricing done today but I havent. It’s been a rushed busy day today. I left one job at 2:10, quickly did another job before picking the children up at 3:10..! Crazy. Oh well it’s good to be busy.  I’m home now and might do pricing shortly or I might just put my feet up. I’m tired too because I’ve not had any drink since first thing this morning until about 4:30. 

I’m not at work yet. I’m going to look at another van soon and I’ve got to get some work done afterwards. It’s going to be a busy day of not getting much done. I’m hoping the other van is a decent van because I need to get work rolling along again.

  I’m a little anxious now but wasn’t earlier. I’m not putting pressure on myself to get loads done today. It will be a day of doing what I do and that’s that.  

 I’m still feeling like this is going to be a good year ahead. I’m not sure why I’m limiting or restricting it into a time frame. What’s one day or week from another really? Or a year from another? What silly false constructs we have of time. I mean why do we live by a clock and by time? I know it’s good to keep circadian rhythms but do we really need a clock to live by? It’s like we are governed by something that cannot be questioned. Maybe that’s why we’ve grown so used to living by the clock, by hours and minutes and seconds. Maybe because it can’t be questioned. Why also is it always 6’s in everything?   666 the mark of the beast. 60 seconds. 60 minutes. 6 days to create the world biblically. 6 million dead in ‘the holocaust’.  We need to question everything. Anyway why do we have to fit life into certain little snippets of time. It’s completely crazy. Maybe that’s what keeps us under control. Maybe there’s a higher truth in living by our bodies needs rather than sleeping because it ‘x’ time or eating or working because of ‘x’.  Maybe I’m rambling but to me the world is crazy as fuck.  That’s something else that’s crazy. I’ve avoided writing swear words on this blog but it’s only my own thoughts for myself so why not? Ah fuck it. Why are some words considered wrong yet others are ok? I mean we can’t normaly say fuck or cunt etc because it’s considered wrong by ‘society’ yet we can quite happily go and bomb other countries or talk about murder, death, destruction, war, rape, massacres evil and any number of horrific things. There have been several programs on tv, I don’t watch tv very often, which have either been about paedophilia or featured it lately. Yet using words that are considered swearing are wrong ! Fuck means to have sexual intercourse. Cunt means a vagina. Bollocks means testicles etc etc and these words are wrong in the eyes of ‘society’ but yet it’s acceptable to bomb other countries and show it any hour of the day. It’s ok to show murder, death and destruction on the news etc at any hour but mention a swear word…oh that’s terrible…watch the complaints come in from the good citizens who happily say ‘bomb them’ or ‘well we have to do something’. Jesus what a strange strange world we live in! 

I woke up pretty early this morning but stayed in bed. I’m not sure why I didn’t just get up but I didnt. I’m anxious again this morning and I’m not sure why. I’m a little tense, although watching the kittens play is quite calming. I’m not sure if I said that we have kittens, well my children got kittens while I was on retreat. They’ve grown lots.    

Yesterday was a good day at work in the end. We were supposed to get into a room to decorate at 9 but it was still full of furniture so by the time it was emptied it was almost 10:40. Anyway I got stuck in and it’s almost decorated now. There’s maybe an hour and a half in there to get it finished.

   I’ve realised I’m very tense. Too tense. I must relax.    

Just a thought by why is it that so many people are lazy and not very proactive? They want everything but want it given to them instead of going out and getting it. Whatever happened to being active?  I know not everybody has the same wants in life but some people need a wake up call. I’ve just remembered a few things and it’s got me thinking. I have to write out a game plan for my year ahead and the next 3 years. Tomorrow I’ll have a short day and will do pricing and lots of organising of things starting with my mortgage getting changed over to a better rate. I emailed my accountant last night querying the fees I’m charged. It’s the first time I’ve say and had a good look through but I’m charged close to £3,000 per year including VAT and for most of last year there were only 2 of us. I’m going to look into every penny I spend and find ways to save money so that I can invest instead of just spending. Right, I’ve plans to make real and to put down on paper. No more struggling. 

It’s morning again already and time to take the world on once again. Well maybe not take the world on but time to go out into the world and earn money and mix with people.  

For some reason I’m feeling a little anxious again. I didn’t get as much pricing done as I’d hoped yesterday because work took a little longer than I’d hoped and also I went to look at more work, which was something I’d not initially planned on but that’s ok. It’s good to have lots of work on.  

Today is going to be a very busy day, as always, and I’ve got lots I’d like to get done. We should have another bedroom empty ready to decorate. Hopefully we will get most of it done today as it’s pretty straight forwards. I get the feeling I’m in for a very busy year and it should be very prosperous too. 

I called a friend of a friend who’s a mechanic last night and he’s coming to look at my van today to see if he can figure out what might be wrong with it. I’m hoping that it’s fixable. I need it for work.

 I’m going to use our car to do a small job today and then I’ll do a load of pricing too. I’ve got help again tomorrow and he will pick me up. In a way it’s a blessing in disguise to be able to catch up on pricing. I must make time to meditate a bit today too. It’s maybe time I meditated on death again. Everything is impermanent and we clutch at things, we try to own or passes things but in reality everything changes. Change really is the only constant in life. I’d say that it’s good to embrace change  but that could also be seen as clutching at things. Maybe I’ll say it’s good to be flexible and open to change.  

I’ve got a few ideas about some projects too, so maybe I should start to look into those too. Today is a good day. Everyday that I’m alive and know it is a good day. Thinking of such things I’m pretty sure I heard something on radio 2 yesterday about suicide and maybe depression. I think it was on the Jeremy Vine show. I’ll have to see if it was. I know I’ve felt suicidal several times and it takes a lot to be open about it. Most people don’t  want to know about it or talk about it. I’d say that most people like things a certain rigid way in life and anything else is too much to cope with or they constantly see what’s wrong in the world but only complain instead of trying to change things. I wonder why they don’t think to change or that it’s really just their perspective that needs to change a little.

 I’m less bothered today about what I overheard my neighbours say yesterday. It’s suprising how I’m so susseptuble to picking up on others emotions and feelings. I honestly think I took on board their anger and hatred yesterday. After if calmed a little I went and had a bath with bath salts in and it washed it all away. There’s a good message there that I must remember. I must be aware of others moods etc and be aware that I don’t take it onboard. It’s hard to do but well worth it. 

I’ve just had one of those instances that can tip the balance. I was outside taking a look at my van and my neighbours arrived home. They didn’t  realise I was standing outside by my van. The man proceeded to point to my chimney and tell the woman ” hmm look at that. There’ll be problems”. She then commented  ” it’s all that crap they burn”.  If only they could actually be nice for once they might learn some life lessons. I’m burning seasoned oak on our log burner, not some “crap” and the fire was smoking because it had been shut down during the day while we were at work and I’d just opened it up and got it going so hence some lovely wood smoke. I know I’m ranting away but it pains me that there are such horrible arseholes in the world and I happen to live next door to some of them. The amount of vitriol that pours out of their mouths  is shocking. They’ve never got anything nice to say about anybody ever.  Maybe I should curse them or work some magic so that they move house. The thing is I would be going against what I believe is the right, kind, way to live.

 I’m pretty sure he poisoned our rabbit. It went missing last year and not long before he told me how he’d seen rats in his garden and was going to use very strong poison on them. Nasty person. Maybe I should go bang on his door and tell him he’s a horrible c*nt. 

It’s Monday morning again already and it’s time to take on the world of work. Work is quite absurd really isn’t it? Lots of people do jobs that are necessary but lots do jobs that aren’t. What a strange world we live in really. It’s all about making money and profit. It tires me at times. I guess I’m lucky because I can see that it’s all crazy. Maybe I should go into politics…. It’s funny how there are people who want change but who won’t get involved in politics, I’m one of them, because they fear the monster that it’s become and fear they might become just like other politicians. I’d hate that. How can we change the system for the better though so that everyone gets an equal chance and also has a chance to do what they’d like in life? Lots of people do jobs that they don’t like very much just to earn money. I guess I’m lucky that I enjoy doing what I do for a living.

I’ve woken a little earlier this morning than usual but I rested well yesterday. I’m possibly a little anxious but I can live with that. It’ll pass quickly once I get to work. I’ve got help again this week. I had help last week too. Things are going well.