I’m still feeling pretty good although I get very tired quickly last night after a busy day at work and a busy day with my mind. I’ve realised how much this blog helps me and has helped me. Writing things down makes me very aware of any triggers. I don’t always read old posts but I did look through some the other day and was surprised at some of the feelings I’ve felt and at how well I managed to describe them. I’m still working to subdue my ego and I’m avoiding anything or anyone that upsets my mental health as much as possible. I’ve cut a few people right out because of their toxicity in regards to my mental health. 

My good mood was taken out of context by my wife yesterday and she thought I was avoiding her. The truth was that I was feeling great but was quite aware of how I can affect everyone around me and that my mind was racing a little bit. 

I find that I get anxious far more than I’ve realised in the past or maybe it’s getting worse as I’m getting older. I’ve noticed how much things I read or watch influence me greatly and I’m glad I don’t watch tv and haven’t done for almost 18 months, not that I watched loads anyway. Tv is just mind programming anyway. The news tells us how bad things are and tells us who we should like or dislike through it’s biased reporting. Soap operas tell us what we should feel or what we should like or wear. The only good things on tv are nature program’s. I don’t always trust so called documentaries as they can be biased too and I don’t think watching people or celebrities living in a house or the jungle etc are worth giving time too. Celebrity now means being known for being known. Anyway I’m glad I’m out of it.  I find even thinking about it brings me to a form of negative thinking where my mood can drop off.  I’m also off so called social media too. There’s nothing very social about it in my opinion.   Wow, that sounds like a rant. 

Right I better get on with today. 

I can feel my energy returning into my mind and body. I’m back to being awesome, well almost. I’ve done some maths and my business is pretty much back in the black too. No rest though as I’ve lots to achieve before I’m happy.  I need to get a buffer of a few thousand pounds in the business before I’m happy again with the business, but I am happy at work again finally. 

I had a slight realisation last night too whilst in bed. I started my business 8 years ago this September and it’ll be around the first of September that I start trading as a limited company. Lots of things have cycled in my life and recently I’ve noticed them coming back again. I see this as a good sign and good omen. My business is going to grow again and we are going to be able to enjoy life much more again. It’s a winding and long road but we will get there. I’ve also remembered yet again that I need to make my bills out much quicker. I’m going to write myself some rules regarding my business and stick to them. Onwards and upwards. 

I’m going to start to be more disciplined again and not work in a mental muddle. In fact I’m now going to go and make a small bill out. 

It’s Wednesday already. I still feel a little anxious but nothing like yesterday morning. I feel like I have some focus back this morning too, which I lacked for most of yesterday, in fact my mind was racing very fast yesterday and I didn’t realise it very much at the time. I’m trying to keep to strict patterns in life again to keep on top of it all.

I had a moment yesterday while driving home from work where I nearly pulled over as I felt really tearful. Somehow I started thinking about my mum and my stepdad, both are dead, and about the house they used to have. Lots of memories from my past came up and I tried to remember lots of other things. I’m not sure what brought these feelings up or why but they came up and I felt pretty low until I caught my thinking and managed to let it all go behind me. I’m not sure if it was a one off or if it was the start of something, I know I get a little retrospective around autumn and it’s usually a pleasant feeling. I guess I’m getting older and I’m looking at life differently. 

I read yesterday how being in your 40’s can be the hardest years because kids are growing up and work can be full on. I’m 40 this year. Oh well let’s see. 

It’s funny how life can be different to how we thought it would be when we were younger, but just as amazing. I’m very different to how I thought I would be and my life is different to how I thought it would be , but I’m ok with that. It is what it is and I’m who I am. I often think of making some changes, I guess I am slowly, and seeing where it leads me to. I think I’ve calmed down as a person in lots of ways but not in others. I still confuse myself at times though, let alone how much I must confuse others.

I think I’ve been holding things in again lately. My wife very possibly has a condition called fibromyalgia and has been in constant pain for the last few weeks. I don’t think I’ve told her how much I’ve been worried about her or how much the worry has affected me. I’ve been trying to help out a little more at home but I’m feeling pretty exhausted at the moment, but she’s exhausted and in pain so I need to do more, but I also fear getting too tired and tailing off or dropping off the precipice. My dreams have been pretty odd lately, lots of strange situations and or death too. I know this happens every autumn. Does it mean my sleep is a little disturbed though? I can see how my life runs around in circles, how my years go in circles too. Do I need to break those circles? I dream of making big changes at times but I’m too fearful.  I guess changes have to be gradual and steady for me to be able to cope, I usually make big changes and then things go wrong big time. I fear loosing my sanity too. My wife has a key word to use if she feels there’s a big mood change coming but she’s afraid to use it in case I get a bit grumpy, even if it diverts a bigger grumpy ness or mood swing. Luckily I self manage most of the time. If I find my thoughts racing today I will go and have a sleep. My workload isn’t too massive today. I’m still wondering if I should contact the wellbeing team again. At the time I thought the advice was good and I was glad that I was already doing what they would of suggested to self manage, but at times I feel like I’m not coping and that I’m verging on going over the edge. I think it’s either got worse as I’ve gotten older or I’ve started to notice it lots more. I don’t know. I guess by keeping a diary and blog I now have a reference to be able to look back through. Time will tell and I’ll know more over the next few years. I have certain things I like to do each day but don’t always manage them all and a few years ago that would of wound me up but not anymore I can kind of let it go, but I do feel like I’m giving up or giving in a bit though. Oh well. Tomorrow I’ll feel differently or maybe in a few hours. 

I woke this morning while it was still dark and was feeling a little anxious. I’m always wary of feeling anxiety because it can signal a change of my mood. It might just be that I’m concerned about the weather, I’m working outside today, but I’m not fully sure yet.  I had a slightly upset stomach this morning too. 

I’m reading several books again at the minute, some on magic and some on bipolar. I picked up a book I’ve read a few times again yesterday which has several CBT techniques in it. It’s a good book, it’s called ‘how to live in the here and now’.  I’ve not started it again yet because I’m reading some ancient grimoires. 

Other than some anxiety I’m not sure how I feel today. I’ve noticed my ears are ringing again. I’ll monitor my moods carefully today and if I feel I’m going one way or the other I’ll try to take action to keep it in check.  I’m sure I’ll be ok once I get to work, I usually am and I’m enjoying work again now too. 

I managed to have a lay in this morning and so far it’s been a lazy day but I’m feeling edgy to say the least. I can’t explain it but I’m edgy and fragile and it’s been a while since I’ve felt like this. I’m hoping it’s just that I’m a little tired and in need of some rest. 

I’ve read a few kindle books recently about bipolar and schizophrenia recently and I can relate to all of them in various different ways. It’s very eye opening and it’s also very worrying too I guess. I’m figuring that I’ve been lucky that I decided to keep a diary as much as possible and I’m always trying to keep on top of any triggers. It doesn’t always mean that I am on too but at least I try my best to keep on too. Although at times I feel very fake about it all and feel that there’s nothing wrong with me at all, well until I catch my thoughts racing or catch them being pretty odd and disjointed. 

I’m hoping to do a workout later but if I feel like this still then I’ll go meditate instead. I had lots in mind to write but I can’t remember any of it for now. Oh well. 

We’re home now and have had a really nice day out. Just before we drove home I realised that I’d really enjoyed the day so far. I’d not tailed off or got angry about anything and I’d not got over excited either. It felt so amazing to just enjoy a day out. I’m tired now but that’s ok. I’m watching a film with my son. Long may it last. 

We are off out for a family day today. We’re going to a mediaeval spectacular event which is held every year. I’m going to keep a close eye on myself as there will be lots of people there and the children and myself slept in our tent last night so I’m not as rested as I could be and I’m not always at my best around people. Quite often I find people a little moronic but that’s just a personal opinion at times, usually I’m kind of live and let live it’s only occasionally   I’m more live and let die. 

My ears are ringing slightly this morning but other than feeling a little edgy I’m pretty ok and I did a leg workout yesterday which is always good but tiring. I guess my mood could go either way today so it’s best I keep a close check on it.  My wife has a key word that she can use if she thinks I’m bordering on going high. She hasn’t used it yet but in hindsight has wished she had a few times. Anyway I’ll keep as focused on being present as I can. We will buy lunch out too which is always nice but stressful with lots of people trying to get into the small restaurant there. Lots of challenges I guess. 

I briefly chatted with a friend via text yesterday about mental health and he is seeing someone about some things he has going on. I take my hat off to him because it’s a good step to take realising that help might be needed. I know it will be ok for him because it’s just the right time for him. Another friend won’t talk about mental health issues but that’s his choice and I’ve had to cut him loose for a while after a very aggressive message left by him on my voicemail. It’s never an easy thing to decide about. I had to think do I try to keep helping him or do I help myself first and steer clear. I’ve decided my health is more important especially for my family. I hope he is ok though. 

I’m looking forwards to going out shortly and I’m going to meditate before we go and go with a relaxed mindset. 

It’s Saturday already and a bank holiday, so a long weekend. I’m pretty tired and pretty mixed too.  I’ve been a bit anxious today too. I’m still pretty alright though. Life is whatever it is. So stones is sunny and sometimes it’s cloudy. Sometimes both. 

It’s Friday again and I’m reasonably happy.  I’ve got maybe 2 hours work to do today and then I’m home to get in the office and do some prices. Work is really busy and after my 2 hours I can make another bill out too. Hurrah. I’m starting to see light at the end of the tunnel. 

I can’t remember if I mentioned it or not but I’ve joined a bipolar forum where lots of things can get discussed. I had a funny moment last night because I posted up asking if anyone has any blogs they recommend and I mentioned that I write this for my personal record. So far a few people read my post but no one has commented. Well last night before bed I realised I felt paranoid about not getting replies and started thinking that they’re either ignoring me, thinking I’m trying to promote this blog which I’m not or they don’t like me. I found it funny that a forum full of people who can get paranoid must be a strange place to open up at times and it must be really good for having to deal with ones paranoia and any anxiety about social interaction too! I also thought maybe they don’t like me and that’s actually ok. I’m fine with that.  It’s helped me realise that as long as I’m happy with myself that’s all that really matters. 

I emailed asking about the retreat I had used earlier this year and it’s available for 10 days in December. I’m going to email back and hopefully have the first 3-4 days so that I’m relaxed before Christmas. I’m already looking forwards to it. It will be great having a goal to keep me going and also having a cut off point for work, a definite date where I am ‘away’. Great. 

I’ve been up since 6 am and I’ve mostly been meditating and working on no mind. I’m pretty relaxed but I’m wondering if I can bring Saturdays work forwards to tomorrow. Hopefully I can as Saturday might well be wet. I’m feeling like I’m getting on top of everything in life to a degree. Small steps work better than the huge leaps I usually make. Sometimes I’m so confident I make big choices without thinking about anything other than the positives. I’ve always thought others were holding me back but now realise that they were possibly a little more rational than me. That’s very hard to admit to! It’s not often, or it didn’t used to be, that I admit I’m wrong. Maybe now I’m more aware of these things I will move forwards in how I want to live much more easily. 

Life catches me out at times and when it does I feel small and I feel like I just want to disappear into w hole in the ground. When it happens it catches me totally unaware and it’s only now that I’ve been working on it that I’m seeing the triggers easier, in fact I probably never did see triggers before.  Anyway I’m feeling great again, a nice great not high, and I’m enjoying it.  I’ve realised I don’t need to be super human all the time especially not at work.  Quite often I do the work of two people. 

Now that I’m getting on too of things much more I think I need to book myself into the solitary retreat that I used earlier this year. I know it gets very booked up so I might need to book for early next year. If that’s the case then I’ll have a few days at home to myself. A few relaxing days where I meditate and unwind a lot.