Yesterday was a bank holiday so it’s back to work today. I’m feeling much more ‘human’ today too, which is a relief. I don’t know what pushed me over my limit, but there were some minor warning signs. My biggest fear now is how my wife can cope with it all. It’s really hard on her and its hard to cope. She does a fantastic job of doing it so far. She has her own fears to deal with too, so I’m really proud of her and how she holds it all together. I’m sure that I’m a nightmare to live with or deal with a lot of the time.
I have lots of work coming in and might expand my business. I’m not sure fully yet but things are looking really good in that respect. I’ll not pressure myself as much now though like I have in the past.
I’m feeling pretty paranoid. I think I’ve not been writing exactly how I feel on this blog over the last few days, which I should be doing, otherwise there’s no point writing it. I’m paranoid that my wife is pushing me away, which I’ve felt for a very long time now. I feel like she’s engineered my life slowly so that I have nobody to confide in anymore. I don’t see any friends. I don’t talk to my family either. I stopped talking to my dad almost a year ago. My mum died 6 years ago and she was one person who I used to talk to. I feel like my wife is pushing me a long way, that she wants rid of me one way or another. I feel like our relationship is very cold. I struggle to understand her moods. I try to talk to her but I feel that she uses her moodiness to push that away too. I’ve felt in the past that she needs help and that she’s making it all out to be me by twisting things. I feel like she talks about me behind my back too. I right now I’m pretty sure she would be more than happy out of our relationship too. I know that I’m pretty well insured and that she wouldn’t have a mortgage if I weren’t around. I know I’m not going to do anything stupid Though.
We had a day out on Saturday which was very very loosely arranged and I tried to flow with it but I really struggled. I hated the looseness of its detailing. I feel like that’s also thrown me. I know I should be freer to go with the flow but over the weekend I couldn’t. It’s funny how we try to understand others but in reality we don’t. I can’t stand the coldness much longer. It’s killing me inside. Maybe that’s the idea, the plan. Maybe I should say fuck it and start making my own decisions fully. I think I’m constantly pressured. I try to please everyone else far too much in life. I’m sure my wife is pissed off that I’m working out again. It happens with everything I start doing anything that’s just for me. Without exercise I loose more control. It balances me. Maybe she doesn’t want me feeling balanced. I don’t know what she wants anymore.
I really can’t be arsed with other people’s stuff anymore. Fuck em.
Today has been OK but I’m not at my best. I’ve struggled. I’ve felt a bit paranoid at times. It’s all just part of being me I guess. I’m always trying to work other people out but never can. I don’t seem to be able to get close. At times like this I don’t think anyone understands me at all or that I understand anybody. I feel like people have an ulterior motive.
I think I’ll go to bed shortly out of the way. I’ll go read and then sleep.
My son has woken even earlier this morning. We got up about 5:15am. I think I’ll buy him an alarm clock and set it for 5:30-5:45am and tell him he’s not to get up until it goes off otherwise he will get up earlier and earlier as the summer gets closer!
I do enjoy being up early, but 5:30 is early enough! I’m feeling pretty good so far today. I’m not too energetic and my mind isn’t racing. I’m on an OK level I guess. I’m not sure what today has in store. I’ll try to take it as it comes.
I’m starting to unwind. It’s a bank holiday weekend too so no work until Tuesday. Fantastic. I’ve not had a snooze today which is great as I don’t want to mess my rhythm up. I’m feeling pretty good as well. Long may it last.
My mind is running at a normal pace too. It’s been pretty quick the last few days but I’m getting it back to normal, whatever normal is.
I’ve noticed I’m more energetic this morning, not physically but mentally. I’ll keep an eye on it as I feel quite high. I feel like I’m rising up. I’m inspired and I’m almost bursting with good energy. I don’t want to go too high. I’m going to workout shortly so hopefully that will level me off really nicely. I think I’ve got some pent up stuff that I can push out in my workout. I’m energised.
I might be slightly anxious too I guess. I’ll see.
I slept pretty well last night. I woke once to use the toilet, it seems I’ve formed a habit of that, and remembered I’d dreamt that I had joined the police. A friend was in the police with me too, very strange. I dreamt we had our first ‘job’ to do and we had both been given a pair of right handed gloves, which I took as some form of Masonic symbology.
After having used the toilet I went back to sleep and dreamt about various situations where there were lots of sirens and various emergency vehicles. In one dream my wife was in our car and I was on a raised bank above her at our children’s school. I saw and heard five or seven sirens and police and ambulances. I had to climb down the bank to get to her, to descend, and then ask if she’d seen or heard them too. Quite strange. I’m sure that there’s some symbology in there on a deeper level, from the numbers involved to the ’emergency vehicles’ and the ‘police’.
I’m looking forward to a productive day ahead. I’m pretty relaxed after my qigong and my meditation this morning.
I’m shattered after a very long day today. This mornings workout was excellent and I’m still feeling good from it. I’m tired though. I’ve had a few moments today where I’ve wondered if I’m about to nosedive or go a bit manic. I’ve noticed a few things.
Yesterday I wasn’t at my best. I saw warnings but couldn’t work it out fully. I ended up going to bed very early. I still woke in the night too. I can’t put my finger on what was wrong but everybody and everything really annoyed me. I was grumpy and pissed off. I was internally aggressive too. Not a good place to be. I was tense and tight.
Today I aim to be on a good level but very aware of things. I’ve been up since 5:30am and have already done a workout. I did back and triceps. It felt good and I’m getting stronger quickly. Life is very good at the moment, apart from last night, and I’m enjoying being me again. I guess I’ll always yoyo.