I’ve noticed my mood has been ‘different’ this afternoon. I’ve been overthinking and my mind has been wandering. Also this evening my wife came in and said ‘orange flag’ meaning she’s noticed my mood change too. I’m disappointed to say the least because I’ve been normal for pretty much 3 weeks now. I’m feeling reasonably normal now, although slightly elevated, but I’ve also noticed tension in me too. My body was tight and my jaw clenched. I’m not giving up or giving in. I’m going to reassess where I’m at and move forwards again. I’m not giving up or giving in.
It’s Friday once again. Hurray. I’ve had a good week. Today I’m starting to paint a house externally. I’m really looking forwards to it as painting is like a form of therapy for me. I’m feeling at my best still. I do however have a fear. That fear is what if I’m fooling myself and I’m delusional? Surely feeling good can’t be a delusion can it? I’ve been feeling very good for nearly 3 weeks now and I’m being pretty rational too which is very good for my bank!
Yesterday we went to look at a car and I know that had it of been 2 months ago I would of just bought it and convinced myself that it was perfect. Not yesterday though. Yesterday I was uncertain, in all of the right ways, and because I recognised that uncertainty I didn’t make any rash decisions. Luckily I didn’t be use in hindsight I would of put £2,000 on a credit card again. Hurray for feeling normal. Boo for feeling normal too in some ways though.
I’m kind of missing feeling high though. It’s not a huge miss but it’s still a miss. My circadian rhythms are very good once again. I’m waking up about 6am even though it’s dark, I normally struggle when it’s dark. Life has a beauty about it again but not a false high ‘I can do anything, I can be anything’ false beauty but real meaning. I’m finally understanding myself and my emotions and moods. Maybe I have cracked it and I’ll never have episodes again or maybe they’ll be much more gentle and controllable. I hope so.
I’m posting late today and I’m tired. I’ve been out looking at cars today because ours has had to be scrapped. We looked at a ranger over but weren’t too impressed.
Anyway I’m still feeling good and normal which I’m happy about. Work is great and I’m earning good money too. It’s seems strange to imagine paranoia or high moods right now let alone depression.
I think I’ll buy a cheap runaround until I can get a car that I really want.
My inner calm has started to grow a little , maybe more than a little. I’m trying to be celibate. I’ve been this way since Monday now and it’s feeling ok. I’ve made the choice. It’s only for a brief while but I’m hoping it helps me understand myself better and helps me understand how I obsess or what might lead to hyper mania. I know I get much more horny before or during an episode so if I can keep on top of urges then maybe I can help myself better when I feel my mood is elevating.
I’m looking to try for a few more days, at least a week I guess. There’s only one way I’ll find out. I have been celibate for 2 weeks before. Maybe I’m just giving everything up. I gave up meat , alcohol and most caffeine. So I guess sex had to be next.
I’m using an app to track and log my moods. It’s flatlined. That sounds bad but it’s actually good. It means no peaks or troughs in my moods. I had a very mild peak on one score for one day in the last week and a bit. I know that there are several apps for tracking moods etc. It’s a pretty basic graph but it’ll do for me.
I’ve practiced my morning ritual already. I’m just keeping going and seeing where it leads me. I have an end goal and it’s a way off but I need to keep dedicated to it. The past few days have been trickier than previous days but I’m just keeping going.
I noticed that I started getting a headache yesterday which can signify a change in mood or the weather. Hopefully it’s the weather.