Being aware

I’m feeling very aware of myself and my thoughts at the moment.  I’ve had a bit of yoyoing with my moods over the last few days. I thought that I was getting some grip on it all but I had a slight moment of paranoia yesterday evening. I went outside and exercised and that helped me to deal with it mostly. It’s quite strange being aware of these feelings now instead of just feeling them. When I used to just feel them they were real feelings, but now when I feel them I have to question myself as to their validity and if they’re real feeling that are justified or if its just me tying myself in knots. It’s not easy having to question your feelings.  That in itself can make one feel a bit strange or could make one feel paranoid. Bloody tricky!

I guess the more aware I am of it all the more progress I can make. I just wish more people understood me and my thinking. Maybe I’m asking too much. Sometimes I think people make too much out of what I say and at other times they don’t make enough of what I say. I guess people craze me at times. I was surprised at how I coped being on my own on retreat. Maybe it’s time to book another retreat.

I guess I better start to face the day ahead. 

Monday morning

It’s Monday morning and its time to go chasing the wage. I never thought I’d become a wage slave, but I am. That’s life I guess. I need to go easy and get the money in. It’s going to be a wet day today so I need to knuckle down and get on with whatever I can to earn the money.

I need to take the bull by the horns and earn the pounds and pennies

Sleepy day

I’ve had a sleepy day. I slept on the way up to the city and on the way back as well. I’ve dozed on and off whilst watching films when we got home too. I’ve needed it I guess. From what I’ve read on bipolar and Cyclothymia it’s best not to nap during the day, I’ll see if it affects me adversely or not. I just don’t want to wake up or go to work tired tomorrow. 

Violent dreams all night

I’ve slept in today as I’m really tired. It’s 7:27 and although I woke at 6:10 I went back to sleep until 7:10. I’ve had very violent dreams all night. I know people say that it’s impossible but I can dream almost within seconds or a minute of falling asleep. Last night this happened and I dreamt I was punching a bloke hard with both fists. In my dream I hit him so hard it woke me up and I was snuggled up to my wife so I asked her if she noticed anything. She told me I shook or jumped. This is what woke me and it happened just as I’d hit the guy real hard. I have suffered with sleep apnea in the past.

My second dream was about being outside a pub in the village where I grew up and I was arguing with my dad. I had him pinned up against a wall and probably by the throat. I then pushed a finger up under his lower jaw between his jaw and throat, kind of where the tongue sits. It caused lots of pain. He had tears. I let him go and he went into the pub. A guy in the pub started to beat him and kick him whilst he was on the ground so I went in and intervened. I warned the guy to stop. He told me nobody knew him and he was retired. He was a very dodgy character. I picked ups glass tankard and was going to smash it into his face but stopped.

My last dream that I remember was based at a local fuel station. I was there on my motor bike with my apprentice who was on a bike too. Next thing I know is that there’s a warning that there had been a murder only a few miles away, it was kind of a post society breakdown scenario. The next minute there was huge march going past on the main road and I joined it as I wanted to get home to make sure my family were safe and the march was going past bear where I live.

Strange dreams indeed!

I’m feeling tired still because of the dreams. I’m a little edgy and will need to keep my eyes open for triggers today as tiredness can blur my mind and my thinking and I can crash down really fast.

 

 

Mood swings

 

I’ve been up and down a fair bit today with my moods. Right now I’m on a short fuses. A very short fuse. I think I’m overtired now. Earlier this morning I had a slight manic episode so I had to go out and skip. It worked in that it released some energy quickly. Now I’m feeling pretty grumpy. I’ve been busy all day and have also tried getting some things done here at home. I need some quiet space. My thoughts are racing again and I’ve just realised how tense my neck and shoulders are, plus I’ve been half clenching my jaw too. I’d go out and skip but I’m tired and don’t want to get more tired and drop my mood off even more, but maybe it would raise my mood.?.  Anyway I’m sticking to instinct for now and not skipping, if I feel tense and edgy still a little later I might need to go and do some. 

My ears are ringing and I’ve read that that can be a warning sign. I’m a tiny bit warmer than usually so I better keep an eye on things. At least I’m aware I guess!

Sleep

I fell asleep on the sofa at maybe 8:50 pm last night, not a deep sleep, and went up to bed at 9:15. I wasn’t awake until my alarm actually went off at 5:45 this morning. I’m surprised I slept so long. I guess I needed it. I had been meditating son the sofa and had reached full awareness and full presence. I’d reached a state of no mind and relaxed into it. Then I fell asleep. Maybe I’d relaxed so much that my body allowed me to drift off. I guess I must of been carrying a little tenseness in me. 

My ears are ringing slightly this morning and my body temperature is slightly warmer too. My body gets warmer when I’m a little stressed but I’m not feeling stressed, it might be heat from the qigong that I’ve done, it might be a warning sign though so I’ll keep conscious of it. I did feel like my stomach was odd last night after work. It felt half cramped, like it might be slightly upset. Hmm.

If I feel like I’m not at my best today I’ll go easy on myself. 

Be the change you want to see

My anxiousness from this morning has subsided quite a lot and I`m actually feeling pretty OK again. Life is pretty good. I have realised I need to be the change I want to see in the world, in my world. I need to get off social media a lot more and to keep plugging away at my own development and my own life. I have achieved quite a lot today and am feeling pleased with myself, something I used to worry about because of ego. Now I see nothing wrong with being quietly happy with my achievements. Its just that usually I get caught up in my own greatness. In believing I`m superior and that everyone else is going slow or that they could do more than they do in life. Quiet, happy confidence is OK now I figure, as long as I keep it in check.

I`m feeling like I`m on a real roll of late, although I did start to get very hyper-manic last night but did notice the warning signs. My wife noticed them too and was quite concerned. In fact she took herself off upstairs out of the way because she felt she wouldn`t be able to cope with it, but luckily I managed to keep a lid on it by going outside and exercising and then calming down. We also managed to have a really lovely chat about it afterwards, which really meant a lot to me. I asked her if next time it starts to happen to try to come and have a quiet word with me, which I know isn`t at all easy for her as in the past I have been extremely grumpy with her if she has tried to intervene. Fingers crossed next time she will try it out and I will be positive in acknowledging what she has to say.

I love the feeling of having some power over how I feel after all of the years of trying to improve myself and then crashing at something. Hopefully now with being conscious of red flags and triggers I can try my best to keep a lid on things and become a much kinder, nicer person. That is my aim anyway. I am still also seeking my own enlightenment and still meditate and do practice to help work with my higher self. I guess its a lifelong work that I have on my hands. Lots of study and lots of self learning.