I’m hot and my throat is sore. I’m worried I’m getting physically unwell yet again and I’m hugely hugely anxious.  I will go to a customer today who has caused me unwellness in the past. I would normally not bother but I’m owed quite a lot of money and need to get it in.  If it wasn’t for the money I would walk away.  I already have the buzzing in my ears and head and the sheer awkwardness of the person is almost unbelievable. Had I of known how it would be before I took the job on I wouldn’t of done it.  Such is my life.  Always chasing never catching.  Bruce Lee had a saying ‘ don’t ask for an easy life, ask instead for the strength to endure a difficult one’.   I often feel that’s true of my own life.  

   I’ve tried meditating this morning but I can’t slow the thoughts or even just let them go. I’m concerned that the last episode isn’t fully over yet and could rear its ugly head again too.  So much going on inside and outside.  Yet still I try to reach out and help others.  I think at times I get somewhere but at others I think it’s pointless.  It must be in my nature to help.  I need to get away from some things in life. Stress caused by others being one.   We have an opportunity to rent 3 acres of land and I have ideas as to what I would like to do with some of it.  My wife would like to use some to have the pony on and she has also been offered a horse on loan if she wants it.  I’m torn because I know it will be so amazing but I also know I can get caught up and fixated on things like this so easily.  I spoke with her about my concerns and the right thing to do is talk to the owners and see how much we really can do and explain my ideas to them.  I’m always fearful of crashing and burning out. This has such great potential though.  I guess my paranoia is thinking it could be too good to be true but also my ideas can run away with me too.  Cautious mindfulness needed. 

Other than some brief moments again I’ve been pretty much level since Friday late afternoon. It’s hard to be ‘back inside’ after being so out there and off it again. In a very twisted way I kind of miss it but don’t miss it at all too.

This has made me wonder about a few things. I know I am happy being me most of the time and I know I don’t conform to a lot of societies norms either and enjoy being a bit crazy. One thing I really do wonder about though is why other people seem almost desperate to have a diagnosis of bipolar disorder. I actually avoided the whole thing of any diagnosis and so on for a long while. In fact I would say I buried it deep. I know my dad wanted me to see a psychiatrist back when I was 14-15 but it scared me too much and made me actually flip out. So why would someone almost crave to be diagnosed with it? The reality of the real illness is literally, at times, a killer and I have been so very close to it myself several times. As I said I do enjoy being a bit ‘crazy’ most of the time but when I’m actually severely unwell, like the last 4 weeks, I hate it mostly as it is so severe and harsh. Why would you want to be that unwell? Maybe it’s just become a buzz word to be bandied about by some? I’ve heard that people use expressions like ‘I’m so bipolar today!’ How utterly stupid. You wouldn’t walk around if you felt unwell and say ‘I’m feeling so cancer today’ or if you had a pain in the leg ‘ I’m feeling so broken legged today’.
I guess I’ll never figure some out. Twats.

I am level again. Properly level. I don’t know if it will last long but over the last few days the level feeling has crept back in and has lasted a little longer each time.  Tomorrow I have work to do but will wake up when my body needs to and go to work when I’m ready and finish when I’m ready to.  People, no not people, friends have been telling me I need to look after myself instead of thinking of others first. They’re right and always have been. There are some people who know me and are in my life who read this blog and I want to say to you all that I love you and you are all such beautiful people.  You’ve been a huge support to me and I am yet again thankful that you’re here In my life in the many forms it takes.  Tomorrow I may well be unwell again but I’ll face whatever having bipolar can throw at me. It certainly couldn’t throw much more at me than it has these last few weeks and this last year.  It has literally nearly killed me, well I have, several times but I’m stronger again.  Life is such a beautiful thing and I am once again appreciating it’s beauty.  I’m not sure if anyone else reads this but if you’re reading this and struggling then do get help, do tell friends you really are struggling, do call Samaritans, mind or your doctor/hospital because although paranoia will tell you not to for various reasons they really are there to help.  I need to make an appointment to see my GP again. I wish I could of spoken to her Monday night instead of getting cut off twice.  Luckily I had the number for Mind stored on my phone.  I have been at crisis point on and off, mostly on, for the last few weeks and especially last weekend.   People do really want us to be as well as we can be.  

Once again much love and many thanks for all that you all do for me. I love you all. X

What is it that people want from me or see in me? I just don’t get people.  Often they have an agenda.  What do people keep telling me I’m a special person etc? I don’t get it.   I think I’m still actually gullible and I know I’m vulnerable too.  People confuse me really. Too much fake fuckery with most.  The few gems do kind of shine through but how do I see them through the shit?   I’m to intelligent to have to put up with all of their shit.  They must think I’m daft.

 I’ve taken myself of a group I was on yet again and removed myself from Facebook too. It’s all too much of a distraction.  I’ve tried to help others with bipolar and others without it too but often they want something instead. They need to feed themselves.  All of this feeding off others really isn’t good. It’s vampirism.   Psychological vampires.  Feeding off others.   People wonder why I care so much.  It’s because I’m a caring person and often people need help. I know they think I’m stupid and should walk away but I try not to just give up on people.  

I’m tired. That’s why I need the break/escape from these fake online worlds. Being real is all I know and right now I need to find myself among all of this crazy world.  I think I’m becoming physically unwell again too. Fuck. 

I’m still cycling but not as severly as I have been. It a lot easier to handle.  Today was a pretty good day although I now have brain fog but that’s ok. Each day is better and better. Although I’ve had a few steps backwards.  A few people are keeping an eye on me and I fear that it’s not fair on them but it’s kind of them.  A customer emailed the other day about work and he said that anytime I need to talk or if he can help in anyway he will. I was really touched by that. What a lovely man he is.  

Life is good and bad at times and sometimes it both at the same time. Sometimes such lovely things can come from such pain and suffering.  I guess it keeps me grounded and in check.  I am still concerned for myself.  That’s a funny thing to say because it sounds like ‘I’ and self are separate, which I believe they are.   How strange a bipolar mind can be and also how awesome.  Feeling pain so accutely is shit but all of the joy and love is amazing and when heightened it really is a beautiful experience.  I aim to be well again very soon but I’m also cautious about the coming winter and also from my birthday onwards.  January can be shitty for me.  Although I start to plan how I’ll grow things from then onwards so something to look forwards too I guess.  Although I’m feeling iffy I still feel such amazing things too and am feeling a lot of love which is awesome. Long may it last.  

Once again I’m standing at the edge of the abyss.  I had almost 2 days of being almost level but tonight some things my wife said have made my brain go into overdrive. Even my fingers aren’t mine right now. I tried explaining about psychosis and things to her. She said she gets it every day etc. I’m just absolutely gobsmacked. It’s flipped me again. I can’t think straight and thoughts are rushing again. Maybe it’s her way of coping with me telling her last night about how I went up the garden last Wednesday night again, when I broke with reality, and stuck the rope swing around my neck. Had my sons cat of not turned up this time I would of been gone. I was just about to black out when she Meowed and I came around enough to gain my senses.  It’s a,l a fuck up. I’m not thinking right yet again. She told me not to rush to go back to the doctors because I’ve come through this again and that I shouldn’t rush to up my dose of meds because I wasn’t great on a higher dose. I told her someone suggested I need to go on antipsychotics.  She doesn’t think I need to. I told her what psychosis is like but apparently she gets that every day.  I think she needs to very seriously research bipolar 1 rapid or ultra ultra rapid cycling, psychosis and psychotic breaks then she might understand a little of what I hide so well when I’m unwell.  I hide it all too well.  It’ll be the death of me.    

Fuck off

I’m having to kick my own arse this morning as I’m worn out. So far the cycling has slowed down though. Hopefully it’ll level right off. Although I do have to pop along to a job later today which ive been waiting to finish since May. A job where I was put under severe pressure and the person wouldn’t leave us alone to get on. Ive decided if I get too much hassle I’ll walk away even though I’m owed close to £3,000.  I won’t be pressured or dressed by them. I will say I’m terminating the contract and Bill up to date. Maybe it’ll be ok though and I’m openminded about it. I know they have their own issues going on. Having said that it’s no excuse to put such pressure on me especially knowing I have bipolar. Even the other trades had had enough of it too. Anyway that’s that.  

I’m still trying to win my own battles. I think I need to fuck facebook off for a bit again today. Ive managed to keep myself off a group on there as it can trigger me at the minute as much as I trigger myself. I need a holiday. Countless people say ‘oh well have one then’. They’ve no idea. If I don’t work I don’t get paid. If I don’t get paid I can’t pay our bills. It’s that simple. Idiots. Often told by those not working too. 

I phoned the GP yesterday. She did call back twice but couldn’t hear me and we got cut off. She didn’t call again. I ended up phoning MIND and chatted with the bloke I origibally talked too a couple of weeks ago. He said I could call back if needed. He suggested callin 111 to get an emergent appointment with a gp in the city. I said about A & E as well and he said yes either. I got home, are and went to bed. Had I of felt unwell enough to need either of those I wiukd if had to Id driven myself there as my wife had been drinking wine.  

So am I really unwell? Am I just indulging in allowing my thoughts to run away with me? Maybe I need to work on strengthening my mind and resolve. Maybe ive just become a bit mentally weaker now? Possibly. I don’t know. I need to think about it. I ought to meditate again too. Lots I need to revert too. My diet is good. Ive not been to the allotment since Saturday so must go there today. I eat well. I need to exercise again too. I’m getting older. That’s life I guess. Fragmentation of the ego perhaps and the awakening of the soul. Maybe. 

Today has been shocking. It started ok ish but I flipped into fast cycling. It got to me. I got hot, my heart raced and I felt I was out of control and probably had a panick attack. It scared me and I had to go sit it out in my van. It got to me enough that I phoned the GP abd will get a call back later. I’ll say what I need to say at the time as I don’t know what I’ll say. I think I’ll ask for a face to face and will get referred back to MH. IVE PUT it off but it’s been 3+ weeks now that it’s been like this. I’m yoyoing on and off facebook in part because its too much at times but it is also a point of contact with some people who are concerned. Ive left the bipolar group I was in on there too. Too much going on and I am worried about some of them but for now I need to sort myself out. 

Another day at work. I’m still tired and wired. My head aches. It’s quiet yet so much noise too. Another few pounds to be earned to keep the demons from the door. Thoughts are fast but yet not as fast as before. My drumming has improved rapidly and tonight another lesson.  Ive learnt Moeller technique for my right hand, matched grip, and ive taught myself to do it left handed now too. I’ll check that it’s right tonight. Lots to do. Coffee in hand. Body temperature hot. All the usual little signs but I know it anyway. Tonight an early night to be had. Sleep is a good remedy. I’m contemplating a phone call to my GP today to talk again and probably get referred back to psychiatrics and the hospital. I’m sure if I say half of what’s been going on I’ll be seen quite soon again. It’s funny how much one can deal with alone when others call crisis for what seems like much less to me. I work through what some call crisis. Hmmmm. Things to ponder.  Several have now raised concern over my wellbeing. I’m stubborn I guess yet I know all too well where I am. Maybe I might ohone the doctor …