I fear the black dog is slowly creeping its way into my life again. I’m finding myself slipping into old thought patterns and I’m noticing that I’m getting very tired again. I’m on facebook lots again and I’m getting too caught up in the affairs of the world. The sooner we get off grid the better. Self sufficiency is the best way forwards and I think more and more are realising this.  I see that the westernised, bastardised even, way of life isn’t natural.  Its killing the earth where we live and we all blindly think that science will save us. The division between us and the earth grows ever greater and science divorces us from the real earth and from reality. Often we get too caught up in bills, debt and money. The funny thing is that they’re all creations of man and aren’t actually real. They aren’t part of life. No other species on this earth has to pay money and give up hours of its life each week to do so. All other creatures of the earth live. Seas humans are barely existing and we replace the true joy of life with quick consumerism and the false satisfactions thereof. We as a species are foolish. We kill that which we need to be able to survive. What fools we really are. 

Well I’m feeling good. I had a mini high yesterday but luckily it’s settled. The allotment is going well. I’m hot composting the clearings from there and ive turned it once already on Monday afternoon. When I turned it the temperature dropped from 65*c to 20*c. After 15 minutes it was back up to 25*c and yesterday morning, having been left over night, it was back up to 54*c. All is good.  I’m now planning on making the solar furnace to get some free solar heat. I felt a bit lazy because I’d not started it yet, but then this morning I realiseda better way of doing it so it’s good that I’d not built it yet. Ive been using permaculture ideas for about 6 months now and I’ve been asked to write a short article for permaculture magazine. That has made my day. 

Ok so not a usual post I guess. this will play on my mind lots though. The royal airforce has been given permission to shoot down Russian planes in Syria. Just take that in for a minute. Individual pilots if they feel threatened have permission to shoot Russian planes down. That means that a pilot if he feels threatened by a Russian plane, bearing in mind they often play aeroplane tag, can start a war. Possibly another world war. That’s not good at  all. I thought I was nuts but I’m not as nuts as our so called leaders. We need to get the fuck out of Syria and let Russia get rid of ISIS. The USA and UK were never asked by Syria to go there. Russia is an ally of Syria. We are in effect invading countries. We need to get out. How can this be allowed to happen? Are the people so bloody stupid and so aught up in xfactor etc and other trite shite that they won’t know what’s going on until war is fully declared? It will be too late then. All of the war propaganda will be in full swing by then and all facts will be washed away. Wtf. We need to do what we can to avert this from happening. People will die. It’s not a game. 

I’ve been thinking lots lately. I’ve been thinking about my life and where I want to go with it. I’ve also been thinking about why we decide to have goals in life. What a strange thought it is to ‘think’ where we see ourselves in the future. We are always chasing a future this or that. Well often I am anyway. So we chase where we want to be in x amount of weeks, months or years and often this can lead to disappointment. Maybe it’s time to just live life. The world is pretty fucked up in how we all crave more of this or that tat. How we think owning the next new thing will make us happier or more complete as a human being. What a strange notion that is! Anyway so I’ve been thinking

I woke up this morning feeling quite rough but after a cup of tea and a walk around our garden I’m feeling quite inspired again. The biggest issue I have with life is that I have to work to live and it means that I/we never really live.  I’ve also realised that I can make getting much more off grid and much more self sufficient a real possibility. Work is an amazing subduer of people’s passion for life.  I want my passion back fully, if it’s ever been fully there since starting work or even life.  I’m prepared to face the possible social and economic hardships for the beautiful life of loving as we want to and living with nature not against her. All of the fear and hatred I see in the world could possibly be cured by living with nature not living to earn credits ( money ).  I’ve realised that my family needs me to be the best version of myself that I can be.

It’s a beautiful day out there and I’m going to go to work to earn my credits. Tomorrow is the first of October and is the day we take over a half plot of allotment. We can grow much more food and I have some things I’ll look to plant already and there is some tidying up to be done.

What would the world look like if we didn’t all need to earn profit or money but instead we could be what we were meant to be? Hmmmm. Who knows. I’m sure we would still have good doctors etc. in fact I’d say health care would be HEALTHCARE and not just the giving out of quick advice and pills. The world seems to be on its head. I’m going to be a part of the change I want to see. I’m going to do my best to inspire others to be who they can be.

I’ve been off work today. I’m pretty worn out but still pretty happy. I’m unwell. Physically unwell.  My throat feels like it’s got thorns in it and my lips are full of cold sores. I’ll live. I always do. I’ve been drinking honey, lemon and ginger. The ginger is from our garden  

I have been a bit paranoid today.  Nothing too out of hand but mild. If I question it then I know it’s me. I’m still pretty level but just physically unwell. Last night, after drumming, I saw a cat in our living room that wasn’t there. It caught me out a bit but it’s ok. I can deal with things like that when I know I’m getting unwell.  I took today off because I have come to notice any warning signs and I know that if I’m coming down with a virus a day off now saves several days off later.  

I’m not sure if I’ve written this on here before but we have an allotment from 1st October. I’m really looking forwards to going up a level with growing our own food. It’s another step towards us getting off grid too. Another step towards knowing and learning what we need to go further with it when we buy land. We have a half plot but fingers crossed we are allowed the other half which is beside it too. We’ve already got some pretty well rotted manure to put on where we will plant potatoes next year and will hopefully get some more too. 

I realised on my way home tonight that I couldn’t remember anything about the drive up until that point. I’ve been on autopilot a good amount lately. I think my level ness is tailing off. I’m not sure if it’s the start of depression or if it’s something else. Anyway I’ve noticed some changes. Subtle ones.  Today at work I realised I had a murderous thought when I found a small knife. It was a very fleeting thought but it was there. A nasty thought. Brief but nasty.  Horror. Life is a horror at times isn’t it. It is. My head is tiring me out. I’m shattered. I had so much I thought to write it its all spaghetti in my head now. I’m not even sure it’s still in there. Wherever there is.

Life is slipping away from me I fear. I need to make plans. I need to keep seeing things through and not give up and let go. Pressure inside my brain. It’s there. My head hurts. Physical pain. Ears ringing. Tiredness. A merry-go-round that’s not merry.    

It’s the time of year for dark deathly dreams. Strange thoughts and death.  I’m fearing winter now, something I never used to do. In fact I used to always love winter. Maybe I should try again. Maybe I need to be all aware and change my thoughts.  It tried today. It worked briefly. Then it slipped into autopilot again.  I think I’m getting fat. I need to exercise. My body isn’t so good anymore. To think that I had gained muscle earlier this year and was doing so well. Hmmmm. I need to keep myself going and to find inner strength and motivation.  Death looms. The year is dying. Death.    

The precipice.  I’m standing on the precipice.  The abyss looms.  Do I cross it? Do I cross over? Do I seek what is there? 

Well I’ve a small tad amount of anxiety and also something else I’m not sure about. I’m not sure if I’m a bit angry inside or just tired. Who knows. It is what it is I guess.  Such is life.  

Oh how life is strange and shitty at times. I think I’m getting a shift in mood. I’ve had several stupid paranoid thoughts the last few days and even though I know they’re not real they are playing on my mind when I least expect them to. It sucks. I’m not sure where my mood is going or if it’s going anywhere at all. I can’t even remember what I was going to write either.  I’m tired. Very tired. Mentally and physically. At work today I just wanted to lay down and go to sleep. I didn’t even care if I’d if never woke up again. I’m tired of all the struggles that even daily life can have. It’s a fucker. I’m not sure where my head is at or where my life is headed. At times I see how great things are and at other times I feel washed up at 40. I’ll soon be 41. I keep trying to push forward with life but fuck me it beats me down. I try to remain positive about how things will get better but every penny I try to save just goes. One thing I do know is that permaculture is the way forwards with life. We need to get off grid asap. I crave getting away from normal society and being able to focus fully on getting us set up off grid and with no mortgage. It’s funny really because most of the time I try to remain focused and present but yet I’m dreaming about things I want to do. Ah it is what it is. No point going on at myself. I’m too tired to give a fuck anyway. One day I’ll be dead. It could be any day. 

I keep forgetting to post. I’m doing well. I’m level. It’s strange but ok. I miss the high but not the lows. If I can stay like this but with some energy and inspiration I’ll be ok. Life’s good. It’s strange feeling what I guess is normal. Oh well. Who knows what’s around the corner.  Life is life. Off grid is the way forwards. Lots of trees need planting too. Oh lots of permaculture too. We need lots of it.