I’ve realised I didn’t write over the weekend. It might of been a few days even. Well my son has started getting pretty angry and aggressive. He’s 11 and puberty has started. He’s being tricky with going to school too and we’ve sought outside help. The biggest thing with it is I can relate totally to him. I used to be the same. Luckily my wife has helped get others involved, poor lad is confused by it all. I think his natural testosterone levels are starting to chime in. Anyway I really wish I’d of had people to help out when I was younger. At times I feel broken. I have to talk myself out of thinking things but I do feel like it’s Karma for my bad behaviour as a kid and I feel like I’m carrying karma from my parents too, they broke up when I was 6. I know it’s irrational but at times I think these things. I guess it’s a form of mental punishment that I mete out on myself. I’m not sure why though. I guess I need to forgive myself. I’m pretty sure life isn’t actually real and that this thing we call life is just a game or hologram.
I’m a little anxious today but not hugely. Certainly enough to notice it though. I’m considering having a day of preparation and pricing before I get too far behind. Who knows what I’ll do. I change faster than the weather these days.
I got up early, just after 5 am , after having been awake for a while so fucking angry at things. I’m still fuming. Really fuming. Several things have gotten on top of me last night and yesterday. One which has really wound me up is a phone call with a customer saying they thought my bill for a priced job should be reduced. Very ducking stupidly I agreed to reduce it. The job was priced and agreed. It actually took longer because of fart arsing about on their behalf and also because they didn’t turn up to unlock a building which they said they would. Also I had to get an extra piece of oak made because someone had repaired something wrongly. I’m still yet to write out the revised bill because if I do it now I will write down how it’s taken longer and how they put me to extra expense only to have the cheek to ask me to reduce it because they feel it didn’t require as much concrete. I’m also fit to tell them not to ask me to do any other work because I have customers who will pay their bill in full and pay for the additions to their works. I know it sounds childish but I’m so angry. I’m angry at myself for agreeing to take money off my bill too. I feel feeble minded and weak. People piss me off. I’m also angry at my wife and how she acted towards our daughter last night. She drank too much and got far too aggressive. My daughter had only been in the shower maybe 2-3 minutes when my wife started on her. I’m going to tell her I don’t want her drinking while the kids are up because she can’t handle drink. She had drank a bottle of wine before 8pm. She couldn’t even remember washing our sons hair before kicking off with our daughter. It’s not on and it was totally uncalled for. Totally.
It’s Monday night already. I had a lazy weekend. I’d intended to work Saturday but didn’t. I’ve been quite lethargic. I’ve also had a funny tummy too brought on by eating cheap food. Not good. Life goes on.
My son is being funny about going to school and won’t go. My daughter is going but it all affects her too. My wife blew up at my daughter tonight over what seemed like nothing to me. I was downstairs but it did sound unfair. Very unfair. I was angered by it. I came upstairs and intervened. I dislike alcohol. My wife couldn’t even remember that she had already washed our sons hair, she told me she had brushed it but that it needed washing. My son and I looked at each other and he said that it’d been washed. It was still wet. Not good. I wasn’t happy. I’ll talk to her about it later or tomorrow. Usually she forgets some of the details. Once she had even forgotten a whole tv program that we had all watched.
If I close my eyes will it all go away? Will it disapear?
When I was a child a friend tried to convince me that if we couldn’t see someone then they couldn’t see us. I know that lots of kids think that but wouldn’t it be cool if it were true. You could just close your eyes and escape. At times I wish I could just close my eyes and let everything just go. I could escape into the dream world or my own world of imagination. I could maybe choose not to beat myself up so badly internally. I’d like that very much.
Do the trials and tribulations of life really build character? I mean do they make us better or worse or would we become who we become regardless. I guess living life is a philosophy all of its own. If we gain real wisdom in this life then how can we share it or help others truly? So much of what we are taught as we grow can be picked apart when we are older if we only care to look deeper into it. I guess my Holy Guardian Angel is right and everyone is always right in their own mind and that it’s only hindsight that can help change this. The 3 months of ritual works will take far longer to fully understand. I need to meditate again properly.
The weather is looking like it’ll be nice today. I hope so. I’ve got lots of like to get done today.
Yesterday at work started well but ended slowly and I felt a bit rubbish. More than a bit but hey ho. That’s life I guess. I just hope today goes better.
I’ve realised how tense and anxious I am today. It’s not good. I need to calm right down. I’ve too much spinning through my head right now.
I woke several times in the night last night and I was so warm or hot. I’m very aware now because of the broken sleep and the rise of my body temperature. All possible warning signs. I was pretty wide awake at 5:30 this morning too which is about 30-40 minutes earlier than usual, plus I wasn’t early going to sleep. I need to be vigilant. I don’t want to be unwell. I’d rather be balanced than high because it always comes with the trade off of a crash in mood. I need stability not a high, even though the high makes me very productive at work.
There’s a lovely frost this morning and beautiful clear skies too so it should be a fantastic day today. I’ve got it all in mind as to what I’d like to get done today and this week. I should really put it down on paper so that I can keep an eye on it and can tick things off which is always satisfying. It helps having a list of things because my memory is shot to pieces at the minute. As is my drive and determination. At the minute I’m a bit of a ghost flying along only partly there. Fleetingly doing what I should be doing. I hate this.
I had a night of strange dreams last night. I woke several times and at on point gasped as I awoke. I wonder if there’s a change of mood coming.
One of my dreams was about my mum. She was visiting us but had friends with her. The long and short of the dream was about how I couldn’t reach her and how there was frustration and anger involved. In the dream I had to work late on a Saturday and I saw her drive past to go out but she didn’t stop. There were others in the car. Work was dragging on and it was 8pm and if still not finished. Lots of frustration in the dream. My wife visited me too and there was frustration there too. My other dreams were very odd too. Quite a restless night of fucked up dreams. I can feel some angst and anger within me today along with frustration. My life is a life of fear and frustration mostly now.
I’m tired of things. Life is a huge false ride and I’ve had enough of its bullshit. I want to jump off the ride. Work is too much. I need to retire. Soon. I’m not me. Someone else is me. I’m just floating behind and above myself. Like a swirling mist flollowing someone. Maybe I’m just ectoplasm. It’s all me and I yet I don’t think I know who me or I actualy are or is. I’m not working today. I’ve come back to bed. My ears are ringing. My energy is edgy. I’m going up or down and I don’t know which. Maybe it’s both…a mixed episode. I hope not. I thought I’d gotten on top of everything. I just want to be a kid again. Being grown up sucks. It’s not fun anymore. When I was a kid I could play or pretend to be a grown up but now I’m a grown up I’m still pretending to be one. It sucks. I need to retire. Time to look at the ride again.
Once again it’s friday. I’ve made it through another week. It’s had more twists and turns and ups and downs than I care to think about. Oh well. That’s life. I’m feeling alright now though. Things seem ok for now and that will do for now. My plans are starting to be reformed in my minds eye too. I won’t be held back. I can’t be held back. I’m an immortal.
I’ve realised that I’ve not meditated for some time now. I think it’s nearly time to try again. Nearly time to start reading again too. I think I’ll start off by reading something uplifting. Enough of making excuses or finding excuses in life. It’s time to start doing things again. It’s time to get cracking.