Yesterday morning I was really grumpy. Really really grumpy. I’ve put most of this down to training thighs on Thursday and how much it takes out of me, but last night I took myself off out the way for a long bath because I felt I was going the other way. A long way the other way. My thoughts were racing and the evening seems a bit of a blur. I’m glad I took myself away because otherwise I might of ended up all over the place. I know that I’d lost touch with what some would call reality a little last night but reality has returned already this morning. My sleep last night was good but a little disturbed. I had to force myself to go up to bed and to lay down. I started to feel like I wouldn’t sleep but realised this and relaxed my whole body. I used to love the feeling of being wired, I love it less so nowadays. I’m gong to watch my moods very carefully today at work.   I should of seen the warning signs. I’ve been on facebook far far too much this last week and I’ve also put off making a bill out for someone and put off other paperwork.   I’ll be honest. When it creeps up on me and I’m not fully aware it shocks me. I often think I’m getting it all under control, it had been for at least 2-3 months. Oh well if it’s just the odd mini up and down I can live with that. A full blown 2-3 month high on the other hand is a different beast altogether.

  I think that the biggest trigger for me is my mum and the aniversary of her death, which is late next week. Every year around this time I seem to implode or self distruct my own mind somehow. Usually I get physically unwell too, possibly brought on by being high and or mixed and running on adrenalin. This year is different because we don’t have a car at the minute I’m only working 6-6 1/2 hours each day so I’m not pushing myself too much. Maybe it’s a blessing in disguise. 

I’ve woken up less than happy. I’d almost go as far as to say grumpy. One of the kittens jumped all over the sofa knocking my glasses and book on the floor.  My book now has a bent cover. I’ve been on facebook and been reminded that it’s friday 13th too. Oh and facebook is starting to piss me off. Why the f*ck am I even on there? It’s just a huge shitty waste of time. It’s all a load of old bollocks. I’m pissed off. I’m pissed off at being pissed off. It can all f*ck off. Blah blah blah.

  Work today should be quite straight forwards though because my wife came and helped out yesterday. She has gone ahead of me and rubbed lots of paintwork down so I’ve got lots to go at. That’s one good thing. I appreciated the help.  

 Maybe I need to snap out of this stupid mood. It’s time I stopped acting like a twat or a grumpy teenager and knuckled down with life. It’s time I grew up and got properly responsible. I think that I’ve got to accept things how they are and just get on with life. The only way I can change our situation is to work my arse off and start to get ahead in life. I’ve always tried to be very fair in business but maybe I should be like most others and say fuck it and be selfish. I’ve liked to believe that being kind and spiritual gets you further in the true life but maybe I’m getting old and cynical. Fuck it. 

I’m really not sure how I’m feeling today. A couple of weeks ago I had really good motivation for work but it’s slipping away. I’m not sure why. Maybe once I get to work it’ll flow, quite often that can happen. I think what has set it off is that I feel I should be further ahead. It’s silly to feel that because we are without a car and I’m doing the school run, so I’m loosing 2 hours each day. Working hour wise I’ve actually done really well. I think it’s just that I’ve got plans for the next few years. I mustn’t trip myself up over a minor detain though. That would be foolish. 

I can’t think that I have much to say. I have noticed I’m more tired than usual but that could be because of working out again. My mind has been a little grumpier than usual too but I think that’s because I’m aware of the aniversary of my mums death which is soon. Maybe I’m too aware of it? I’m not sure.  Can you be too aware of dates that have affected your life? Maybe deep down I don’t think its real or that she’s really dead either. Maybe we never really die. Maybe we never really love either. Maybe this is all some cosmic mind play and we are just figments of a higher conciousness. Who knows. I certainly don’t know too much right now. Or do I? Maybe I do know. Maybe it’s all becoming clear and present in my mind and I can see the higher consciousness within. Or maybe I cant.      

I think I’ve been struggling the last few days, maybe longer. At least I’m aware of it all. I feel like some of my motivation is slipping away. I thought I’d gotten past these kinds of feeling though. Maybe being aware of them has helped me to keep them under control. I sometimes wonder if it’s the opposite though. If being aware of them makes them more real. I don’t know. Maybe I’m on facebook too much and being influenced too much again. I think I’d better get off there. 

I’m awake and alive. That’s something we should all appreciate every day that we wake up. This is a crazy world we live in and at times I’m blown away by people’s undertanding and beauty and at other times I’m shocked by their stupidity.  Oh well I guess life has surprises.    

Yesterday I was talking with the guy who’s helping me at work about anxiety. His sister is suffering with it and is probably going through a breakdown. I gave a little advice and he was quite open to it too. He has done something similar for his brother in the past. He’s struggling to communicate with his sister and can’t get through to her, so I suggested that he writes her a letter explaining how he feels and if he can’t give it to her now then save it and give it to her when she’s feeling better. Hopefully it’ll help.  

I was told that I was a bit grumpy yesterday. I explained to the person that I’m aware I’m feeling a bit that way and why I’m feeling like it. It’s almost the 7th anniversary of my mum dying. Even though I’m now aware that it affects me I still I can’t relax about it which I find very strange. I feel that knowing and being aware should help me to relax more about it. Maybe though it’s more than the mental connection? Maybe it’s also the physical connection too, through DNA and the fact I was born from her body? I’m not sure but it shows I’m still holding on to something somehow. I guess it’s a level of attachment. 

It’s Monday once again. I’m rearing to go after taking the whole weekend off. I had intended to go in over the weekend but decided not too. The rest has done me the power of good. I’m rearing to go. Yesterday I nearly did a workout but thought better of it. I hope it’s dry tonight because I’m really looking forwards to it. I’m feeling very strong too. I did have a few twinges in my chest last night and this morning though. The muscles in between my ribs sometimes spasm if I’m a bit overworked, stressed or unwell. Hopefully I just slept a little funny.  

Today I’ve got help at work again, tomorrow too. It’s good. There’s plenty we can get done. It’s nice to work alone but it’s nice to have help too sometimes. We have a laugh as well so all is good.

  I’ve not blogged over the weekend. I’m not sure why not but the weekend was nice. Maybe I needed the break from work and blogging too. I did spend too much time on Facebook though! Far too much time. Maybe that’s why I’ve got the chest twinges! It’s facebook health issues. I had better stay off again. 

It’s Friday again and it’s been a productive week even though my days have been shorter because of the school run.   My wife was a huge help yesterday and it was lovely to have time alone with her even though we were working. Sometimes I think that it’s easy to talk while working because it breaks down any kind of social barriers and if you run out of things to say then you just carry on working. Anyway she was a huge help.  

Today I’m going to go and do some lead work on a roof, the roof I should of been on on Wednesday.  Hopefully it’ll go well. If it doesn’t it’s ok. I’m feeling pretty relaxed too. All is good.    

Last night I had a meeting to sort out changing my mortgage. We figured at worst I’ll be £450 per month better off but maybe even £500! That’s a lot. It will also help ease the pressure of work too in regards to not having to push so much to be able to pay bills. It’s a huge relief. I also think I’m saving at least £600 per month in my business through working alone mostly and not paying a wage to someone who only cost my business money.  In a few weeks my business will be back in the black by maybe £2000. It’s been in the overdraft for the last 2 or so years around the £6-7k mark and as much as £9.6k! Since working alone I’ve brought it back down. I now know why and what was costing me so much. Oh well, lesson learnt.  

I’m feeling good and I’m still working out. My body fat might of come down a little and my body weight has gone back up to around 14 stone 7 pounds from 13 stone 9 pounds about 2-3 weeks ago. It’s just regained muscle so it goes on quickly. Anyway I’m loving it. It feels fantastic. Life truly is what you make it. 

Today my wife is coming in to work to help out. I’m looking forward to it. We hardly ever have any time alone and we are decorating in an weekend house so there’s nobody there.  It’ll be good having some help getting things done. Hopefully it’ll be reasonably relaxed too.  

I’m feeling pretty ok today, although yesterday I got rather pissed off when I found out that our car isn’t worth fixing. Now we have to find a car asap. Two or so weeks ago it was my van that went wrong. So that means in the last year we have spent over £1000 on work on our cars and the garage has told us that both cars weren’t viable repairs. I have to say that I do feel a bit cynical and the previous car we had to spend about £450 on it only to be told that it wasn’t worth fixing in the end…. I think I’m going to find a new garage to look after our vehicles now. The old van I spent over £2000 on. No more throwing money away. My mind is straighter now and I’ve got goals to reach for and achieve. Big ones. I want to start saving for an investment plan I have. 

It’s already after lunch time and the day is going well in the end. I didn’t arrive on this job until 10am. I was supposed to be fitting some lead externally on a cottage but the weather was rubbish. I’m feeling good but quite sore muscularly. It’s all good. I’m back taking creatine and I’m also taking some amino acids and a whey protein shake. I’m wondering if the creatine is what caused the mini high mood the other day. Maybe it did but I’m not worried because it’s all settled down now. All is well.  

Working out again has done wonders for me already. I enjoy the endorphins but I enjoy the physical activity too. I’m wondering how big I can get if I really go for it again. I’ve considered that if I got big enough maybe I’d like to compete too. I always wonder that. Who knows. We shall see. Anyway feeling good is good.    

Yesterday morning could of gone pear shaped but luckily I was aware and it didn’t. I was rushing around but doing not much at all. It all came good later though.    

It’s funny to feel quite normal after a mini high because I’d expected that it may go on longer than it did.  I think it’s a case of ‘phew! That was lucky’. Life is so funny and so strange. I wonder what others make of it. 

I’ve slept well and woke around my usual time. I went to sleep just after 10:30. Yesterday I only worked about 4 hours because I had to do the school run both times and also had to arrange getting our car fixed, if it’s fixable. Anyway it didn’t get to me too much straight away.  

Once at work though I started cracking on then I noticed a shift in my mood. I didn’t notice it straight away but I did notice it. I started to get a bit high. I’d say I had a mini high my concentration started going and my thoughts started racing too. I remembered that the customer had some coffee there so I made myself a cup of it. Luckily it kicked in after about half an hour to an hour. I’ve found that coffee balances me if I’m getting a little high. I’d not recommend it to others, but it works for me. It’s funny how a stimulant can bring my mind back from the brink. Maybe it’s because it causes me to focus fully. I’m not sure but it really helped. Luckily.  

I’m hoping today will run smoothly and things will be settled. I’ve got a guy helping me today so that should help me get on further faster. Lots to do.