It’s a rainy, wet Sunday here today. I’m pretty relaxed though, which is good. I had a moment earlier though where I felt myself tensing up. We have family here and we were all talking about things and I started feeling pretty tense. My shoulders and neck were very tense and I felt myself absorbing into a cluttered mind state. It took a little bit of time to be able to unwind and become more present. At least I’m becoming much more aware of when I’m not present and can bring myself back around. I’ve noticed if I’m meditating and I close my eyes and my mind wanders my higher self steps in and tells me to open my eyes or brings me around again. I usually meditate with my eyes open using a Tibetan technique. I live the state of no mind. 

I think today I’ll need to be aware of myself much more so that I don’t slip into lower consciousness. I’ll have to keep a check on myself as I’m tired and don’t want to be rude or irritable.  It’s easy to slip, especially when tired. Anyway I guess practice makes perfect. 

8 1/2 hours work on a Saturday is far too much. Why do I do it?  I guess it’s because I’m way behind at work and I’m trying to keep customers happy. It’s seriously tiring me out though! I’m shattered. I have it in mind to get a day or so off next week if it’s too wet to do anything though. I doubt that will happen though. If it rains there will be something to do I’m sure!

Today I’ve felt like giving up mostly. Although I never do. I keep going. I don’t think I know another way other than to blindly keep going. Well that’s unless I die or kill myself. Then it would end. It would stop. I don’t think I’ll do that though. If I did I wouldn’t write about it either. Well I guess I wouldn’t be able to! 

I’m hoping to meet a few guys who might be able to offer some good financial advice to me. I’m tired of constantly chasing money and getting nowhere. Well I used to be getting somewhere a few years back. I’m going to get back to that level again. I’ve already started. 

Do I punish myself? I think I do. I do it far too much. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be comfortable in life.  I want to build my retreat so I need some capital. 

The weeks seem to fly by but it’s all good. 

I’ve been yoyoing a fair bit the last few days several times per day. It’s not been great but I’ve kept it to myself a fair bit. Sometimes it’s best not to go on about things too much. On my way back from working in Norwich today I nearly pulled over to get out of the van and just lay down at the side of the road. I just felt like laying down and letting everything just pass me by. I didn’t though because I had to go and fence an area off at another job to make it safe. I was frustrated on both counts. Frustrated at wanting to just lay down and give up for a while and also frustrated at being so loyal to my customers and not just being able to just pull over and lay down. 

I guess life is what it is and I always do what needs to be done. Maybe one day I will just give up and go and be a hermit. Maybe I need to be a hermit. People really do craze me. They drive me insane and around the bend. Oh well at least I’m feeling my own version of normal now.  Well at least until the next time. 

Today has been really productive. Ive done the work of at least 2 people today and maybe a day and a quarter too. It’s good to get that much done, but if I’m honest it’s really taken its toll on me physically and mentally. Most of today I’ve felt like I am on the edge of the precipice waiting to just fall backwards into it whilst laying back and relaxing into it. I’m pretty sure I’ve been on a high for at least 5-6 weeks now. I fear the drop off. I fear it mentally and physically. I’ve had a cough, which is only just lingering, for about 6 weeks too. I’m still producing phlegm sometimes when I cough. I’ll live though, I always do. It’s been ages since I last died although over the last few weeks I’ve wished for it several times. Anyway I’m not going anywhere yet. I’ve lots to accomplish. 

I need to figure out what I do next business wise and life too. If I didn’t have to work I most certainly wouldn’t. There’s so much more to life than work. I’ve also noticed today my gums are sore. I think I’m getting run down. I’m pretty concerned about my wife and her health too. She went to the doctors yesterday and he sent her straight to hospital for a blood test. She’s feeling worn out and in pain. 

I’m still trying to be as present as I can but today I failed miserably until just now. Maybe I should become a spiritual guru with lots of followers and a big mansion type retreat all paid for by my followers of course, then I can be really present! Maybe not though. Onwards and upwards. 

I’m really tired with a big workload still to get through but I’m starting to see the woods for the trees now.  

Last night I struggled to get to sleep straight away as I was a bit stressed and my body temperature went up a bit. This usually happens when I’m stressed.  

Today I know what needs to get done but I’ve a few options as to what to do. I guess I’ll just get stuck in and crack on as usual. 

Days seem to be merging into each other at the moment. It’s a case of get up, wake up properly, eat breakfast and go to work, finish up to 12 hours later and then try to unwind a little, eat, bathe then go to bed …repeat.  I’m sure it’ll get better pretty soon though so I’m not as worried about it all as I was 5 weeks or so ago. At least I’m still smiling most of the time now! 

I’ve almost caught up on my paperwork too except from pricing. 

I’m so busy at the minute I’m not sure I’ve had time to think about how I feel except from tired..  I have been pretty present though since deleting my Facebook account. I’m much happier for it too. Being present and being happy are 2 pretty important things in life so it’s all good. 

I had one of those conversations today. Where I’m working one of the plumbers watched me run over a ply hopper which is set at 45 degrees and then asked if I’m Buddhist because of my haircut and nimbleness. He was not overly surprised to hear that I pretty much am. The conversation the started about esoteric’s , magic, paganism, Qigong , Taoism, homeopathy, acupuncture etc etc which was really fantastic. His work colleague, who I thought must think we’re nuts, then started to tell us about some healing he had had! Good afternoons chat indeed. Not your usual building site banter!

Today is the first day I’m actually back working alone officially.  It’s a relief in lots of ways and I can finally work out exactly what I’m doing again, properly. No more babysitting. No more bad mistakes. No more things getting broken through poor judgement or carelessness. No more of me having to rush my arse off trying to do the work of another as well. Just relief.  I still have lots of work to catch up on though which will be a headache. I also think I might loose a little work too but I guess everything will be what it is. 

I’m feeling pretty relaxed and pretty positive about the week ahead now. I’ve been quite present today and being present helps me lots. I might go outside and skip in a little while but possibly not because I don’t want to speed myself up too much this late in the day. The thought about skipping has made me realise I’m nearly ready to start working out again soon. Maybe tomorrow or Tuesday I will start again seeing as I’m pretty much back to full health now. Also I think the exercise will do me good too. Exercise is always good. Now I’m back to working alone I’ve realised I can just get on with things and not have to constantly try to get someone else working hard. I can challenge myself completely again. If I’m slow it’s because I’m slow not because I’m getting slowed down. All is good again. 

Last night I slept for almost 10 hours but I’m still tired and worn out today, but I’m feeling ok. I’m watching my thoughts but slip up constantly. It’s not easy trying to watch ones thoughts. It is easy to slip up and let things slip.  Also doing 11-13 hour days is seriously catching up with me and I need to back it down lots. I’m recovering lots too. 

I had to make a few business decisions earlier in the week too. I think things will start to work out for the better now and I’ve been getting some feedback from several customers too which has been positive. I’ve still got a huge workload on but I can start to see it coming under my control a lot more now which is a huge relief. I’d certainly been left in the lurch recently and been put under lots of undue pressure. It’s amazing how you think you know someone when you work with them but really you don’t. I guess we are all different and that’s part of the beauty of life. 

Today I’m just trying to remain calm and carry on. It’s not so easy at times but I’ll be ok. My wife has gone in to work today because it’s the school holidays and it’s hard to get child care. I feel bad that she’s working on a Sunday but the children and I might make a picnic and go out and do some stuff. We might even pop in for a cup of tea with her. Bless her.  She works just as hard as I do, but I don’t always see it. I guess it’s so easy to get caught up in what one sees as oneself. 

I still seek enlightenment but I think the way forwards is to give up on seeking it so much and to ‘just be’ and to be as present as I can be and also to be the best person I can be. It’s really easy to get caught up in trying to be a good person and to seek to better oneself but actually end up being selfish in those pursuits. One thing I have done in the last week is to delete my Facebook and I have barely been on twitter either. It’s amazing how much time so called ‘social media’ has taken up. This last week I’ve meditated lots, worked huge amounts and managed to read a fair amount too. I think I’m better off steering clear of social media as it’s antisocial. 

My youngest step daughter hasn’t been feeling herself fully lately which I was quite upset to hear but had I had thought that though. I know she will be ok because she’s very strong. 

I guess life can catch up with us all at times. 

Life is so very crazy. Sometimes I think I’ve got myself worked out fully and another time I’m completely lost. Yesterday morning my wife apologised to me for not realising that when I’m not coping I’m REALLY not coping. I hide things too easily from everyone. I hide myself so deeply that nobody sees me, not even me, I don’t see myself. Am I really suffering from a mental illness? Is it an illness or is it just purer clarity than most ever get in their lives? Is it because my path is leading towards enlightenment that things are harder at times? I’ve read that enlightenment is only ever just around the corner of no thing or no thinking. I’ve reached no thinking a few times and for quite some minutes each time too. Maybe I hold on to too much and that’s why I can’t let go fully yet , because of not letting go I can’t be enlightened yet. Maybe I’m nearly there. I’m tired. Tired of hiding myself. Tired of trying to please others. Tired of being a being who is trying to be. Tired of action and inaction. Tired of lots of things but too scared to let go. I often wonder if I’m right or wrong with my thinking and my thoughts, of I’m loosing or gaining my mind.  Often I feel both. Maybe I need to let go and loose my mind to gain myself fully. What am I scared of? And what has made me scared? Why?  What is there to be scared of? Pain? Suffering ? Or maybe freedom? I don’t know. What is the future and where is the future? The past isn’t here.  I think I am learning some lessons of the past still, even now I am still remembering things. Has my past been how I remember it?  I’ve remembered something from when I was maybe 6 or 7 and have realised my thinking was different back then too. Is it just my makeup or is it conditioning? I really don’t know. Often I wish I could be someone else just to see how they think or feel because often I don’t feel anything much.  Is that how others feel or is it just me? Sometimes I feel too much. I don’t know. I’m tired. Maybe I’ll sleep soon. Where and when am I? Who am I?  What do I need to do in this life?  Does it all matter?  Autumn is creeping up on me. Just be I guess. No thinking and no thoughts.