I’ve been thinking about life and how things change as we get older, how thoughts and wishes change too. When I was younger I wanted millions and millions of pounds so I could do whatever I wanted. As I’ve got older I’d be happy to just not have a mortgage or to be able to only work when I want to. All of the things I’d like to do in life are getting simpler too.  Having a stable mind would be enough right now. I almost fear to dream a little at the minute. I’m not sure why though. Maybe because the world beats me down at every turn lately. It’s funny because I fight back hard and just as it looks like I’m getting my head above water shit happens and I start to sink again. I honestly think if I wasn’t quite as strong or resilient as I am I’d of checked out a while ago, but that’s not for me.  No. I’m going to keep fighting and pushing, screaming and shouting. 

Ok so today started a little better but is still shit so far. I’m really unmotivated at work. I’ve had an hours sleep on the sofa here as I did yesterday. I’m lethargic. That’s unusual for me. Usually I have energy. Even when depressed I’m usually ok ish. Although I’ve had days where I’ve stayed at home in bed, even when high. Well winter can fuck off now. I’ve seen enough of it. I want to move to southern Spain or somewhere warm. I don’t want to feel cold anymore because right now I’m freezing. I’m working indoors with the heating on, 2 jumpers and a hat too. Winter really can fuck right off.  

Ok so here’s another thought I’ve been having. I’ve been thinking about death. One day I will die. What will it be like? I mean really what is death? What does dying feel like? Is there something after this life? Or is it boom lights out and  everything else just carries on. I’m 40 now so I’m getting older. Death is chasing me already. In fact I’ve escaped it a few times in my life already. Maybe soon it’ll catch me up and take me for a ride or journey. I’ve figure father at the minute my life isn’t my own. Something else has a little control over it. Maybe it’s the kick back from the 3 months of ritual leading up to Christmas Time. I had the knowledge and conversation so maybe now I have to cross the abyss yet again. To enter the void beyond. Hmmmm

Not a good day today. In a hole. Deep hole. Sleep is needed I think. Not good. 

I’m in London and it’s Saturday already blimey.  The days pass quickly. The weeks and months too. Tomorrow is March. The year is waxing fast. As is the moon. I’m feeling good and that’s good. 

It’s Friday. I’m feeling lots better than yesterday. I’m wary that I’m going up instead of down now but I’ll level it off later. I may have a cup of coffee

I woke early this morning but managed to doze again until I got up. I’m slightly anxious yet again and I’ve noticed my ears are ringing and I’m warmer than usual. I’m slightly tense too. Oh dear. Usually it means a change for my mood. Often it means going high. I hope I just level off. I now realise that I’m slightly anxious about the weekend ahead. I’m taking my children with me to my stepdaughters in London. I’m not sure why I’m getting anxious but I guess there’s been changes in my routine slightly and the stress last weekend. I feel like I’m not a full human being anymore. How can one incident mess most of a week up for me? Years ago I’d of gotten over it in minutes or maybe a few hours. Why can’t I shrug things off anymore? They continue to affect me. I’m now starting to have serious fears as to how I run my business and how long I can continue with the stress’ that running it entail. I thought I was getting much much better. I’m really not so sure now. I’d hoped my wife would be working with me today but she wants to go in to her other job. That’s ok I understand. It’s funny but I realised that I have enjoyed her helping me and I’ve realised that I even put on a front when she was working with me. A confident front. I’d say she helped me be more confident.  Often I feel like I’m broken and don’t know where all my pieces are.  

We need to organise getting this car that’s been given to us sorted out and mot’d. I think my wife is annoyed that I’ve not managed to do it. I’ve struggled to organise it that’s for sure. The thing is that because I’ve been in a good place for the last few months I’ve been able to cope to a good degree and that means I’ve taken on all my old responsibilities. It feels like it’s all crashing down again now though and I can’t handle things. I’m hiding from them. I have made several attempts to get the car sorted but I think I need to give up and let my wife organise it. It’s a small thing but it’s hard to admit it’s all part of a bigger picture and that I’m not coping.  I think I need some mental time out and that’s hard to admit. I’m even thinking of not going to work today.  I doubt that will happen though. I’ll go in and plod on like I always do. Good old reliable Darren doing what he always does. If a UFO landed in my garden right now I’d be very tempted to go and take a ride. Maybe it’s also in part because friday last week was the anniversary of my mums death that things are building up and have built up. 

My stepdaughter is moving house soon and I might offer to help decorate. Work is busy but I know I’d get satisfaction from helping her and her partner out if they need it. I know they need help to move too.  

I’m back on a forum that I’ve not been on for about four months now. I’m not sure why I’ve gone back on. Maybe it’s the state of mind I find myself in. 

Life hey. How absurd. I need to go get locked away somewhere for a break haha. 

It’s evening now and I’m back to feeling ok. Today has been a day and a year in a day. It is ending well though so that’s good. It’s been shitty though mostly. I’m relaxed or certainly more relaxed than I was earlier. Phew. 

Today isn’t a good day. I’m not feeling well mentaly. I’ve not got my van today but if I did have it I’d of gone home to bed. I’ve layed down on the sofa here instead and slept for about 45 minutes. I might sleep again soon. In my mind I should have this job finished by now and I’m behind on other plans I’ve made. I feel like everything is slipping away. I feel weak.   The situation at the weekend has weakened me too. I didn’t even defend my son. I should of. I must not ever let it happen again. I’d die for my family. I only fear the trouble that will be caused of I do defend them. Better to defend than be a coward.

   My head isn’t in a good place and it’s really fucking me off because I should be able to control my moods and my thoughts.   It’s a basic thing. I should be able to do it.

  I’m tired of my life being an act. I can’t keep it going much longer. I’m not that good an actor. Maybe the world is fake too so I’ll get by.  I always seem to. What a fucking hole to be in. A shitty hole. 

I’ve realised how I torture myself mentally. I do it lots. I think I start to do it more when high or mixed so that I realise my mental state. Maybe that’s not why but I do it nonetheless I do it. The pain and torture all gets too much too. I drag up past pain and hurts. I analyse again and again and again. It feeds my anxiety too, but when I realise I’m doing it and stop then that’s when I feel like I awaken. I actualy become different. The cloud lifts or the fog clears. I know that it could be similar for depression. Maybe it’s actually the same. Fully the same. I’d say often I’m mixed lately. Well anyway I’m feeling like I’m coming out of it somehow and my drive is coming back.  

I’m quite concious of how I use social media too and how it indicates my mental state too. I become a facebook addict when in a bad place of headed for a slip. I use Twitter when I’m recovering. Facebook is deactivated at the minute and I’m occasionaly on Twitter. I also noticed how much they take over because briefly last night I tried to not be online but actualy struggled to stay off.  

I’ve realised the pain I cause myself and how it upsets others too. It has to stop or ease. It can’t go on. 

Are we all out for ourselves at heart really? What is the greater good?  I’m back to questioning life again. I always come back to it. What really drives us as humans? I think mostly it’s greed. Even if we don’t think it is. I’m working away so that one day I can retire and so that I have things to leave my kids. Surely that’s greed. It’s always justified by doing the right thing for my family but at its heart its just greed really. Often it’s ego too. I’m pretty driven by ego. We all are. It’s too crazy and it’s too much. Profits too. Always driven by profits. How utterly foolish is that. This world needs a huge kick up the pants. We should be mapping out inner and outer universes but I stead we are driven by greed and profits.  It’s sad. Oh well I guess it’s part of being on this ride. Well until it’s time to jump off. My heart isn’t fed properly by all of this. Not by a long shot. It’s not even a snack.  

Well today is Tuesday once again. Another day of work. I need to regroup my focus because I have plans but the sad thing is that the plans I have are driven by money. What I mean is that I need money to make them work. I need to keep my focus. I’m still yet to draw out my plans properly into bite size pieces. That’s something I must get on with.