Life is so very crazy. Sometimes I think I’ve got myself worked out fully and another time I’m completely lost. Yesterday morning my wife apologised to me for not realising that when I’m not coping I’m REALLY not coping. I hide things too easily from everyone. I hide myself so deeply that nobody sees me, not even me, I don’t see myself. Am I really suffering from a mental illness? Is it an illness or is it just purer clarity than most ever get in their lives? Is it because my path is leading towards enlightenment that things are harder at times? I’ve read that enlightenment is only ever just around the corner of no thing or no thinking. I’ve reached no thinking a few times and for quite some minutes each time too. Maybe I hold on to too much and that’s why I can’t let go fully yet , because of not letting go I can’t be enlightened yet. Maybe I’m nearly there. I’m tired. Tired of hiding myself. Tired of trying to please others. Tired of being a being who is trying to be. Tired of action and inaction. Tired of lots of things but too scared to let go. I often wonder if I’m right or wrong with my thinking and my thoughts, of I’m loosing or gaining my mind.  Often I feel both. Maybe I need to let go and loose my mind to gain myself fully. What am I scared of? And what has made me scared? Why?  What is there to be scared of? Pain? Suffering ? Or maybe freedom? I don’t know. What is the future and where is the future? The past isn’t here.  I think I am learning some lessons of the past still, even now I am still remembering things. Has my past been how I remember it?  I’ve remembered something from when I was maybe 6 or 7 and have realised my thinking was different back then too. Is it just my makeup or is it conditioning? I really don’t know. Often I wish I could be someone else just to see how they think or feel because often I don’t feel anything much.  Is that how others feel or is it just me? Sometimes I feel too much. I don’t know. I’m tired. Maybe I’ll sleep soon. Where and when am I? Who am I?  What do I need to do in this life?  Does it all matter?  Autumn is creeping up on me. Just be I guess. No thinking and no thoughts. 

It’s been a very long day. I’ve been out for 12 1/2 hours today. I’m feeling a bit manic, but at least I’m aware of it. I’m avoiding social media too and I’ve deleted my Facebook account.  I’ve been trying to focus on myself only and on my enlightenment.  

I’m reading ‘The Golden Thread of Time’  which, so far, is a really good book. It’s really interesting how the Celtic cross very possibly was used to measure out for buildings, survey mountains etc and also to navigate the planet.  Well worth a read in my opinion. 

So where am I at? Well I guessing still me and still chipping away at trying to understand myself and my mind. It’s been hard to be really present lately but I’m getting there again so alls good I guess. Much like life. Life is good. Life is beautiful. The more we focus on something the more we bring that into our lives and into ourselves. 

I’ve not been writing in the mornings because I’m leaving the house pretty early.  Work is mad at the moment but it’s getting pretty good now. 

today I’m really tired, my back aches and my neck hurts too but I’m really good. I’m starting to get on top of where I should be at. I’m still a long way behind and customers are starting to be a bit more patient. I’m still doing at least 11 hours each day and sometimes more. I guess in the end it will be worth it. 

The children are full of energy as it’s the school summer holidays. I’m determined to at least have a long weekend away before their holidays are over. I need it and I want to spend time with them too. 

life is really hectic but really good. I’m still becoming enlightened. 

I’m majorly stressed about money again. I know it will all come right though. 

I’ve been away in London over the weekend. I’ve realised that I need to focus on myself lots more again. I’ve drifted. I need to open up my higher self again. To become who I am. 

London was good fun. I enjoyed it.  I smiled at strangers which is always good fun. Most people are good and smile back.  It was quite strange going away alone. 

I’m feeling very tired today. Probably because of the weekend. I need to recoup some energy. 

I had a brief moment of wishing for death earlier. It passed though. 

it’s Saturday morning. I slept maybe 9 hours. Not much to say today so far. 

it’s Friday already. Thank god or gods. I’m glad this week is almost over. I’m shattered. I think I’ve nearly lost my sanity again or the little that’s left. Sometimes I feel I should say even more on here but then I do say a fair bit. Is it wrong when pusses off about something or someone to wish they’d drop dead, literally. Sometimes I wish some people would. Other times I fantasise about hurting people or beating them up. Usually it passes pretty quickly though. Not always though. Maybe they do need beating and that my thoughts are fair enough. Maybe they ought to get told how they irritate me and I should tell them where they’re lacking or where they’re wrong.  I know I’m not perfect but I’m not human. I’m inhabiting a human body for now but after bodily death I will return home to Sirius. I’ve visited whilst in this life but obviously not in this body. I have free reign to go there whenever now I know the way back there. 

Life is pretty cool. I’m superb. I’m awesome. 

I’ve been wondering lately how much someone who doesn’t have  a ‘mental illness’ really understands how it feels. I’ve chatted recently with someone who says they do understand but I’m not so sure. How much do I understand about a normal mind and how it works?  

I think I’ve avoided writing too much lately because of stress. I’ve got some stress at work and I have to be very careful how I deal with a situation. I certainly don’t want repercussions although maybe I’m overly paranoid about it.  I might look to get some outside advice from a retired solicitor that I know. I’ve taken advice from ACAS.  Either way the situation needs to be dealt with swiftly.  I can’t allow more stress to build up. 

Today will be yet another long busy day. I’m hoping to get away tomorrow to London. I need to unwind a little tonight though. I’m feeling normal ish. Let’s get today done and take it from there. 

title says it all.