Up early again this morning. I’m feeling pretty ok. Things aren’t nearly as glum as I had thought yesterday. That’s the down side of paranoia. I’m not sure where I was at yesterday, but I’m not there today. I tied myself in knots. Everything is a circle, especially thinking and more so when it’s bad thinking. I jump in and go around and around going deeper and deeper. As much as I plan to notice triggers I can’t always and there are times when I get too deep too fast. Solitude is what’s needed. 

I’m never sure when instinct is there or paranoia. I guess instinct wouldn’t tie me in knots or dig a hole for me. Paranoia most certainly would and does. Those are the things I need to look out for I guess. 

I love being me most of the time. Sometimes I’d love to be someone else though.

Mentally I’m in turmoil. My brain is doing overtime. Everything is too much or too noisy and my ears are ringing. 

I’m up already and have been since 5:30, it’s now 6:10.  I’ve realised that I feel punished in my life in too many ways. It’s hard to explain or understand too because I don’t like people who act like victims. I prefer to try to face issues in life. However I do constantly feel punished. I’m not sure I know how to handle it or control those feelings, especially when I feel certain that others knowingly do it to me. I feel that I’m pushed and that others want a reaction from me. I know I’m feeling a little paranoid too, but I also feel like I know what the future holds and will bring. I’m not normally a fatalist either, but I feel that there’s a situation that’s coming by another’s subconscious choice. 

Paranoia. Is it paranoia or is it knowing? I’m not sure. I certainly try to deal with my issues and its a daily struggle. It leaves me feeling like others don’t deal with theirs and just plod along. Why do people plod along? Trudging along at half pace? Why not go headlong into things and just deal with what comes? 

I don’t like passive aggressive behaviour from others either. It leaves me wondering what’s going on. I’m sure that people use passive aggression because that’s how it leaves others and its a form of control. It leaves me feeling pushed aside and disrespected and not knowing where I stand and paranoid too, so I guess it is a way others punish those around them. 

I guess I’m tired of it all. All of the coldness. Tired of being pushed and pulled. Tired of walking on eggshells. Tired of constantly feeling like I have to suppress myself and suppress my sexuality. Tired of all of it. Tired of constantly feeling things are down to me. Fuck it all is what I say. Fuck it.

Its 6:40 now and I’ve struggled to do Qigong because my mind is racing with anger and frustration.

I’m tired of being pushed aside and living sexually frustrated. I’m at boiling point and don’t think I can cope anymore. What does it mean when there’s no sex in a relationship? Does it mean the other partner won’t deal with issues or does it mean that they care very little about you? Does it mean they want out because it feels like it. It feels like they don’t want you and don’t want you leaving either. What does it mean when you both attend therapy sessions to deal with it but the other partner backs out of it and stops with the suggestion? Fuck it all, is it worth living in pain constantly? 

7:09 am and already starting to feel better. I’ve done qigong and might skip shortly. Feeling a bit lifted now.

It’s 6:16 am and I’ve been up an hour already. I’m feeling a little anxious about the week ahead and the day ahead. I guess it’s a usual Monday morning feeling for me most of the time. I’m not quite sure why I feel anxious but I am. Maybe there are a few reasons.

Its looking like it will be a good day ahead and nice weather. I’ve meditated for quite a while already this morning, at least 30 minutes. I’ve yet to do qigong. Back to routine for me and hopefully not too much anxiousness. 

I’ve just had to walk off and leave my wife and children as I’ve gotten really angry with my son. He constantly pushes the boundaries. He’s rude and talks back constantly. He has just been really horrible to his younger sister. He’s broken 2 sticks that she picked up on a walk we were on. He splashed mud in her eyes too. He constantly bullies her. I know siblings can be like that, but I told him off and swore at him and walked off because I was too angry to be sensible. I noticed I clenched both fists whilst talking to him. He doesn’t need me being angry or aggressive because that won’t help matters at all, so I’ve walked off out the way. I’m not sure if its because I’ve broken my routine that I’ve got so angry or if its because we are all together with no space or if its because he constantly winds his sister up and hurts her maybe it’s all things combined, but regardless of that I was close to loosing my temper badly So I’ve left them for a while. 

It’s given me a good chance to try to think about my own reactions and any triggers that in hindsight I can look out for again. My wife and I had kept close to our daughter to stop him hitting her with a stick etc. Maybe next time it starts like that I will have to take one of them off with me and my wife can take the other one to give them some time apart.  Anyway I’ve walked off into the woods to calm down before going back. If I’m calmer I can help deal with it in a responsible manner. I’m just upset that I’ve had to leave my wife alone to deal with it because that’s unfair on her.  My thoughts as I walked off were very low and very angry aggressive thoughts.  It’s never easy being me. Just as I find I’m doing ok it crashes down. Maybe I should become a hermit or a monk!

I’m feeling ok today. I got up at 7:15 which is a lay in for me. I’m missing my herbal teas ordinary tea is dull and I’ve been drinking fruit juices and water whilst away. I’m really looking forwards to normal routine again. I don’t know why I didn’t bring herbal tea with me. 

We are wondering what to do today. We walked a good distance yesterday. My children and I actually ran at least a mile of it. It felt really good, maybe I’ll start running again when we get home as well as skipping and strength training. I really want to get my weights back and start working out. I love being strong. I’ve missed working out a these few years. My wife doesn’t like muscular men and that’s why I’ve not, but I love being big and strong!

Like I’ve said, I’m feeling pretty ok at the moment, but I’m working very hard on it and working hard to control it too. My only fear is I’m working too hard and if it starts going wrong it’ll go wrong fast.

I’m very aware that I’m away from my normal routine. I’m feeling ok but it’s strange not having the normal routine. I guess I’ve felt a little wilder and a little less in control of my feelings and thoughts. I’m much more tired and I’ve only been away since yesterday. The break has done me and us good though. I’ve asked my wife if she’s enjoying being away and she says she is, but I’m never sure if she is just saying that to please me or if she genuinely is enjoying herself too. I struggle to work out her feelings most of the time anyway. I find her very hard to read. Maybe she finds me even harder to read though!

my head aches a little. I have noticed that I’ve not been very present today in myself. My thoughts have ran away with me and I guess I’ve been fantasising about stuff too. I’m certainly tired. I hope I sleep restfully tonight. I slept well last night but tied myself up in knots a bit by not being in my routine. I never realised how much I like routine. I never thought routine was needed so much either! 

I’m feeling pretty boring with all the routine. I felt like ordering a meal with meat tonight and alcohol. I’m vegetarian and don’t drink so I don’t know why I felt like that, maybe it was because my routine is broken a bit and I feel slightly out of control too.

I’ve been awake since before 6:30 and it’s now 7:43, because we are in a hotel it’s hard to keep my children occupied. I think it’s time to get dressed and face the day ahead! I’m feeling pretty good. I’m looking forwards to some walking.

I’ve been giving some more thought to paranoia and anxiety and am trying to figure out some of the triggers. I noticed yesterday that when I felt some anger rising I clenched my fist. Now I need to figure out some of the triggers that happen when the paranoia creep in. I think I maybe know some of them.

Both times that I have had severe paranoid episodes I was out for the evening. The first time it happened I thought it was down to drinking, but I had to  dismiss this when it happened again and I’d not been drinking because I was driving. I think the possible triggers were being among strangers who were drunk, my wife was also drinking, not enjoying where I was or feeling comfortable, feeling uptight and not being able to hear the conversation or not being part of it which was in part from feeling unconfident and this led me to feel ‘out there’ instead of part of what was going on. My wife who was drunk didn’t understand my feelings partly because she was drunk but partly because she thought I was just being awkward and trying to stop her enjoying herself. I also felt that she wasn’t bothered about how I might be feeling, I feel like that often. I often feel that shes passive aggressive.This led to my mind doing quadruple time and I then started to get extremely paranoid and angry to the point of aggression rising inside me and feelings of wanting to start a fight to release the aggression. I’m not usually the kind of person who feels like that or who starts fights, although I wouldn’t shy away from protecting those closest to me.

So I need to figure out some triggers that lead to these situations arising. I’ve decided that if it starts to happen again I need to try really hard to notice changes in my body temperature or how I feel or if I clench my fist or any other change in physical mannerisms. It won’t be easy as usually I’m already feeling paranoid before I notice, but I hope that by being openminded and aware I can look out for triggers!