Who are we really? I mean we’re human but what makes us different from other animals, because we are animals? What makes us who we are? We are all different from each other yet intrinsically connected to each other. Why do we frown on some behaviours that others do and get frowned upon by others for our behaviours?  Some people who know me think I’m slightly potty but a nice kind of potty.  Luckily I’m potty I say and not dull as dish water! If only some people knew my thoughts and how aggressive or vicious, how little I feel or how low they can become, all consuming and out of control, or how much passion, love, compassion, care and emotion I can feel at times too.

I love trying to become the higher me and working through my darkest moments. I honestly feel that the most enlightened beings have come through the darkest despair and that’s part of becoming enlightened. It reminds me of the Buddhist master Milarepa and his own battles from dark to light. I love my moments of absolute clarity. I just wish that those around me understand it too.  I’ve often thought I’d be ideal living as a hermit, but I have a family who I love dearly too. I’m  glad I know myself, good and bad, as it helps me to understand myself deeply and to have compassion for others too.

I’m going away for a few days which will be nice. I’m just about set to leave. I think I’ll skip a little before I go, I might take my rope with me too. 

I’ve been very tired the last 2 days. Is it because I went to sleep an hour later on Wednesday…?…hmm…

I’m feeling quite level lately. It feels quite good but quite boring. 

I got up at my usual time this morning and have been through my usual routine. Whilst doing qigong I felt some good flows of energy moving around inside me. It was good to relax my mind too. 

I’m sitting here pretty relaxed and have realised that I’m calm, I’m feeling good and my mind can still work fast if I need it too. I love how my mind can work fast! It amazes me how slow some others minds seem to work but I love the differences in all of us in this world. The world amazes me, it blows my mind sometimes. How some things can be so beautiful and yet so cruel too. I have often wondered what it would be like to be someone else, I’ve vague memories of possible past lives. I think I can remember my birth too.

Life really is amazing! Live it fully I say. I’m still figuring myself out, but I guess we all are really and it’s an ongoing process. I’m happy that I’m not afraid to ask myself who I am and what I want or what I am.

To thine own self be true. Know thyself. Heal thyself.

I’ve been feeling a little anxious at work about work the last two days. The anxiousness isn’t about the job I’m working on, it’s about a job I’m part way through and it’s completely unfounded. It’s interesting to witness it happen and I’m using CBT methods to analyse my thinking. I’ve reassured myself that it’s irrational and about how pleased the customer has been so far.  It helps to look at it from an outside perspective too and I’m trying to think from someone else’s perspective. I’m thinking how someone else would reassure me that it’s nothing to worry about and how they might think about it. So far so good, but it has raised some anxiousness. At least I’m keeping a reasonable perspective of it.

So far a normal day. I’ve decided to make an effort to try to troll my moods and try to stay somewhere in the middle even though I love the highs. Maybe if I can be aware of the triggers for the drop off the highs won’t be a problem. I do enjoy them. 

Today I’m plastering ceilings, which is hard work but very satisfying. One of them has gone off quickly which can cause more hardwork, but I’ve attacked it little by little, area by area and haven’t got pissed off or angry with it which is good! I better crack on and get finished.

After getting home from work s feeling stressed yesterday I did quite a bit of exercise. The effects of exercise eased the stress quite a bit. I went into my office and listened to some music loudly too, then went back outside and exercised some more. I did lots of skipping and some strength training.

The effects of exercising when stressed have really shown me a way forwards. I didn’t get hot or warm when I got to bed and I slept soundly and only woke up briefly before getting up at 5:40am. I didn’t wake up lots with stress or heat. I’m still a little anxious but I can deal with that. I’m also trying some CBT techniques to work out my thought patterns. 

Exercise makes me feel good, but I fear becoming addicted! I guess feeling good is addictive. Anyway it’s good to be healthy in mind and body. It’s good to try to be rational in ones thinking too and if exercise helps control stress then I’ll keep going with it. I’ll keep up with Qigong and meditation too as they help me to slow my thinking down a bit, although fast thinking has its uses! 

Starting to feel a little stressed and this time the trigger has been the lad who works for me chipping a £3,000 fireplace. I’m not sure it notices or not but it’s stressing me out. Oh dear. I`m not sure what to say about it at all. I guess everyone makes mistakes.

At least I know what can trigger me off I guess. I`ve just tried to skip myself into a better mood but couldn`t get a good rhythm going. I`ll try again in a moment.

I feel like banging my head against a brick wall to knock some sense into myself! Why am I beating myself up over this? Why?

I’ve realised how much more aware I am of watching my thoughts and sometimes I can change a mood if I notice it tailing off. I can’t always do this, but the more I’m aware of my thoughts and feelings the more I am becoming aware of my thought patterns and any triggers. I’m not sure there are always triggers that I can notice yet, but I’m working on it. Constant work. When I’ve nosedived quickly, uncontrollably, I’ve had slight hallucinations. Nothing bad but slight visual distortions. 

life seems a constant work in progress for me and just when I think I’ve reached a comfortable level it tails off again and I have more work to do. At least now I feel I’m progressing. I’m not sure it will be like that for long but maybe it will. Maybe I’m through the worst? Life certainly throws things at me and depending on how I feel it affects on my reaction if I react at all. At least for now I’m doing ok.

It’s been a pretty normal day today. I’ve had some good energy flowing through, which has been great. I exercised for around 20 minutes tonight. I did skipping and some free form strength training with objects in my garden. That made me feel pretty awesome at the time. I figure exercise, meditation, Qigong and diet are my keys to feeling reasonably settled. It’s good to have a day with no tail offs or crashes.