I can’t remember if I wrote yesterday or not. I don’t think I did. So I’ll write about yesterday. I was called by the hospital at 2:30am yesterday to tell me my dad had deteriorated and to update me. I was called again at 4:30am and told things were getting a bit worse and to get there asap…cue rushing up there after very quickly eating and expecting the worst. I was there until about 9:15am then came home to get some food and sleep. I went back up there again late afternoon and stayed until almost 7pm and left dad with some friends of his who called to visit him. I expected a call in the night and was very well prepared for it…clothes ready to put straight on and the van ready to get in and go. I even had the van facing the direction I would need to leave in. I didn’t get the call and in a way I was relieved but also worried too. I phoned the hospital twice this morning and have been to visit him. I’m home again now and I fear getting the call tonight to get there asap but I do think I might have to. My head is spinning. Everyone around me are being fantastic and my aunt has offered to help in any way she can including coming up there any time of the day or night. I’m mentally broken at times but strong at others. Mostly I’m bordering on either far too much optimism or tears and sadness at it all. I feel angry with myself for falling out with him for so long. I’m just so glad that I went to visit him last Sunday and that we could move on from there. I could see the fear in his eyes back then over being unwell. Life can be so cruel at times. And often I feel it’s cruel to me. I’m trying to relax but I really can’t and I’m like a tightly coiled spring. A few things have pissed me off and made me angry but I guess that’s to be expected. Mostly I feeel like I’m on auto pilot. I think I’ve been a bit delusional at times this past week. It’s so hard to be strong but I don’t have a choice.
