I slept well last night. I feel a little refreshed. We had the appointment with the child psychologist yesterday and I slept on the way up there and on the way back. Luckily I wasn’t driving! Things went well and the appointment should of been 1-1 1/2 hours long. It’s was nearly 2 1/2 hours long in the end. Once home I ate a quick lunch and dashed off to do some work, which I really didn’t feel like doing. Then after work I called in on my dad but he was sleeping so I left him. I spoke with his neighbours and they thought he seemed little worse. I went back an hour and a half later and he was awake. I spent about 2 hours there and he perched up a little. I also managed to get him to drink some meal replacement stuff. It’s not as good as a meal but it’s better than nothing. I’m feeling more positive although very well aware that he is very very seriously ill. I feel like we kind of reached some kind of understanding, kind of allowed past issues to be put to the away for now. He’s struggling and very afraid. He has got it into his head that he has cancer, which he does, and it seems like he’s given up already. I tried to talk with him openly and explained twice what the doctor had said to me. There is a very very tiny chance that they might look to operate, they very probably won’t but there is a slim chance they might.
Anyway I’m slightly fearful of going high or being too overly optimistic because if and when things go wrong and downhill I know afterwards I will crash. I fear that crash. I also fear breaking down because last time I lost the plot and I don’t know how u didn’t end up hospitalised. I guess I just believed all what my mind was telling me. I’m not even sure what I feel at the minute. It’s like my super powers have taken over and I’m just functioning as myself just enough to get by. At times I’m feeling like a stuck record repeating the same things to countless people. Oh well. I will cope. I have to. I have no other choice. It feels like these things are some kind of test that I have to go through. That they are testing me to see if I pass or how strong I am before I break again. I certainly felt broken on Sunday and Monday. I’m just pleased that I slept ok last night! It’s amazing what a brain or mind can cope with when it has to. I’m hardly posting anything on Facebook at the minute. I’m avoiding it. I am reading others posts and thinking ‘oh for fuck sake! You think you’ve got problems?’ It’s cruel thinking like that because I know how others feel but it’s like my inner strength kicked in super high again and I’m becoming immortal or invincible…and I really fear those feelings. I’m not sure if I’m level, high, mixed or if I’m delusional. Probably a bit of all of them along with depressed at times. The last few days from Sunday until last night I’ve certainly felt depressed and barely inside myself. I’ve felt like a walking shell. What is a fear is that after seeing dad perk up a bit and myself getting a good nights sleep I’m feeling so super human. Am I actually becoming super human. I’ve felt it before. My focus is becoming super focus. My senses seem to be acutely tuned. I can only go with it. I can’t di anything else but go with it. Maybe it is true. Maybe I do have some powers. I’ve healed people in the past of things. I’ve taken pain from dying people. Maybe that’s what I need to do now. I need to be super strong. If I break later then so be it. Wha choice do I have? I can not be weak. I have so many people that I have to be strong for, so many people that rely on me. I have to be strong. I have to be stronger than everyone else.
