What is life? What is my life and where will it go? I’ve been up and down so much the past few days. Nothing is real anymore. I’m not even sure how to define real. People say this world is real. They say this is what it is. This is reality. But reality is formed by so much with each of us, with our own personal upbringings, our parents beliefs or views do influence us no matter what we think. We have to realise ho much it influences us before we can move forwards in life. I’m an orffan at age 40. Not too young luckily. Not a child in infancy but it’s still affected me drastically and will only affect me even more. I thought it bad when my mum died when I was 33 because I had so many unanswered questions. Well I’ve now lost another chance of asking a parent some questions too. I have to grow up now. I have to really figure out who I am or I’m lost forever. I am now the head of my family fully. I have to do what’s truely right for my family and can’t ask a parent for advice still. Be it all on my head now. What and who am I though? That’s a head fuck. It’s questions like that that most never ask themselves. They just plod along through life repeating their lives and their parents lives. I’m different to most. I do question myself fully and often. The biggest fear with it though is the madness it can bring and has brought to me in the past. I don’t have all the answers and I’m happy to admit that too. I’ll offer advice or help when asked too. I’m not too proud to admit I’m wrong anymore or that I’m infallible. I’m human. I once thought I was more. Maybe I still am more and this is all part of that realisation. One huge realisation I’ve had this week is how I still crave things in life, crave change. I know my wife craves it too but she has fears. She is probably fearful that I’m off on another mad jaunt, another mad breakdown. The funny thing about a breakdown is that after its happened you are different but the same. It changes you. It can, if you deal with it well, make you see things clearer and help you become a stronger better person. Strength isn’t always about being u breakable either. I now see strength as admitting that I am breakable and am willing to push to and past those limits.
This last week I’ve feared so much and yet broke through so many barriers too. I wish I didn’t have to go through all that I am going through but deep down I know however old my dad lived too he would always die. I’ve had the darkness creep upon me during the dy with its big black cloak of pain and misery and yet I’ve found comfort too in it. I’m no longer afraid of emotion, at least not for now. I do however still fear a huge breakdown in the future too like I had a few years after my mum died. If it happens it happens and maybe I’ll be more aware that it’s starting. Maybe I won’t but whatever happens will happen.
I have realised that I do crave a life of being off grid. That life doesn’t have to mean being a hermit. As much as I’d like that right now it doesn’t have to be that way. I still want sanctuary. I still want to have a retreat that others can come and stay at and maybe both will combine. I see a bigger picture now. A much bigger picture. I also see it’s all about making those small steps to get there. I don’t need to run at it. I can walk gently and meet it in the middle. I don’t need to hunt it down and drag it back screaming and kicking by the hair and balls. No. It will come. And I will walk to meet it.
