I’m just realising that a fear of mine could be happening but I’m so unsure as things are muddled at the minute. Some friends called around this evening and it was lovely to see them but it’s raised a fear for me. That fear is that I’m becoming delusional. I’ve noticed a few things. Several people keep telling me it’s ok to grieve and not to hold it in but I’m feeling quite ok. Almost good actually. Maybe my coping mechanism is sending me a bit high. Kind of on shut down on a grief level. I’m so unsure. I’ve realised I’ve posted on Facebook but I’m not realising all that I am posting or saying. It’s a bit of a huge merry go round. So strange. I feel like I should allow myself to let go but I cant. I’m becoming slightly tightly wound. I don’t know. I’m unsure about it. I’m writing this so I can keep it logged. Fuck knows. I’m a bit lost. Maybe more than a bit. I’m constantly tired too which is a head fuck. So unsure of things. I guess I’m wearing the mask again. I guess I feel like I’m just acting out my life.
