It’s Tuesday evening. I’m not sure if I posted yesterday or not. Anyway I spent most of yesterday in bed or on the sofa. I had a few glasses of wine last night. I had a bottle the night before. Things are getting a little easier now. I’m still up and down a lot. the pain is easing though. Last night at the dinner table we laughed about a few funny stories to do with my dad. He was funny at times. Most people have very fond memories of him too. It’s funny how thoughts can hurt so much. How they can twist in our minds and tear into us. I’ve done that so much the lest few days. Today however I feel a bit better. I know I did what I could for my dad in his last few days. I think at times I could of done more but people always think that. He died with two nurses at his side. I wish I could of been there but they had told him I was on my way. Maybe he didn’t want me there so slipped away before I got there.
One thing that’s sprung up in my mind once again is about what happens after death. Is there life after death? Over the last countless years I’ve read and studied these things. Ive read about the Bardo states from Tibetan Buddhism and they do resonate with me. Death is maybe just another step along the journey of consciousness. When I got to the hospital I went in to see him as he lay there. I went up and quietly said to him that he is free now and will have no more pain. Then I kissed his forehead gently. I know he had already died but I’m aware from what I’ve read that the soul can be attached to the body for a few days after death and I wanted his soul to realise it could go and be free. To leave and go where needed.
I have just been out in my van for the first time since early Sunday morning. I’ve been at home since then. I went over to his house to get some paperwork that’s needed and to turn some things off. I feared it would be really painful but in a way it was good to go and do it. I wasn’t there too long, just long enough to do what was needed. One of his friends popped in to see me too which I had feared but was actually nice. Life goes on and it’s amazing how we find strength when needed to do these things. Life is precious, all life.
