I’m up and about and got up at about 8 this morning, it’s now 8:54. My nose is a little blocked. Could be hay fever. Yesterday I felt quite normal or at least what I call normal, no racing thoughts, no highs Or lows as such. I was however awake until after 1 am. Whenever this happens I usually pass it off and think it’s just because I’ve slept so much lately but the reality is its usually when I’m going high that it happens! Fuck knows what’s coming. Today I feel reasonably normal if a little tired. I’ve got a house to clear. I’ve got some work to do and right now I can’t be arsed with too much of it to be honest. I need a big kick up the arse. A massive one.
Everyone keeps telling me to grieve in my own way but they also think I should be upset mostly or fuck knows what. They all seem concerned that it’s not hitting me hard. I’m a bit concerned too but it’s good to be on top of my shit surely? Maybe I should go off and scream and shout about how unfair it all is or cry for days until my eyes are red. I don’t know. Maybe I’m building it up inside until I just pop or break. That’s how it normally happens. I have noticed I’ve been a bit paranoid the last few days. Kind of second guessing everything and everyone just to keep on top of things. It’s all dancing pegs and marching Roman soldiers. My ears are ringing and the last few nights I’ve been getting really hot. All signs that my mood is changing. Fuck. It’s just dawned on me. Fuck.
