I’m in physical pain. I’ve done something to my shoulder, my left shoulder, and I dontknow what. It’s hurt all night and I’ve not slept so well. It hurts. When I did sleep my dreams have been freaky, very freaky. The last dream I had before getting up was about my dad. I was at his house and I think I was living there. I felt a cold draft and I had a fire burning because I could see smoke, so I went into his room and he lay there in bed unwell. I was trying to make him better. I couldn’t help him. It was winter outside and he had a small window open. Anyway it was freaky. He didn’t even want water. He had given up.
I’ve lots to do today and need to be fully fit but I’m feeling tired now and my shoulder is a fucker. I always avoid pain killers but today I might take some. My stomach is grumbling away too and has been all night. I’ve had too many late nights and been too much of a mess psychologically recently. I’m not even sure where my head is at. I knew my dads death would affect me but I’m mentally all over the place and the mask is firmly on. I tried to let it slip Sunday night by drinking but it didn’t work. If anything it’s made matters worse. Far worse. Indeed to avoid drinking might be a good idea. It might well stop me being a twat and thinking stupid shitty thoughts. It might not though. My head is going to be the death of me. I hones,t thought I could control my thought patterns, that I could learn to see the triggers, but I don’t think I can. I don’t want to take medicication either. I’ve still not gone back to the doctors. Maybe I should but I know they’ll fob me off. I also fear what else they might do. They could lock me up.
