these last few days have been very draining. I’ve not been inside myself fully. I’ve been physically, mentally and psychically drained by things. I need to balance everything out. I’m not sure how to yet. A few years ago I would of done it easy enough. It seems harder these days. I seem to be under more pressure the older I get too. I seriously hope I can find the balance point again very soon. Others on the outside have no idea of my inner state a lot of the time. I could say more but won’t. Or maybe I should. I don’t know. I don’t know much anymore. I spoke with a friend and she thinks I’ve been high for a while. Maybe she’s right. I’m not sure. I do know that over the last three weeks I’ve gotten behind at work and have been doing 11-12 hour days just to keep up. I think I punish myself, maybe too much. I certainly push myself. Why do I always fear to upset others yet I’m happy to be torn to shreds myself? When will I open up fully to the outside? Can I even open up. I’m trying to do my vat but can’t get my computer working properly. I leave everything to long. I get proactive for a while then I overkill myself and rail off. What’s the solution? Honestly what is the solution. Others seem to get by ok.
I need to find a way out of all of this. It gets me down too much. I need to do it. To get straightened right out. Do others have this turmoil too ? I really don’t know. How can I understand another’s thinking? How can they understand mine? I over work and get tired or ill and then feel guilty about it or am made to feel guilty. What’s the answer? Really what is the answer. I’m pushed too much by outsiders. Maybe I need to learn to say fuck off or NO. I need to be allowed to be me not a projection of others version of me. Right now I could just drive off and never come back. Fuck it. Fuck it all. Ahh that’s a little better. FUCK IT.
Why do others always seem to know what’s best for us? Maybe they do maybe they truly have our best interest at heart. I don’t know. Or do I? Ah fuck it.
